6 Harsh Lessons I Learned From My Affair With A Married Man

Serious self reflection can be the balm for the shame and blame from others.

Last updated on Sep 16, 2023

Woman grasping the sides of the mirror, looking at herself Misha Voguel | Canva

Having an affair with a married man may not be ideal but it can also be a learning experience.

Attractions between the people already involved in relationships and people who are not a part of the existing relationship are there to show us something.

Simplistic moral answers might be reflective of the insight we need, but they aren't the answers themselves.

If we concentrate only on strict moral rules and on how bad we are for wanting to be with a "forbidden" person instead of looking for our own answers, we might miss something important.


What we should concentrate on is the spirit of the moral rules we or others are reacting to, not their literal syntax or the threat of spiritual punishment.

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Here are 6 harsh lessons I learned from my affair with a married man.

1. I am not here to attach myself to another person.

I am not living through and wrapping myself around their problems, or trying to "save" somebody ill. I am not here to be them. I'm here to be me.


I am not here to use this escape route to avoid my self-development. I am not here to use saving someone as a shortcut to self-worth or happiness.

I am not here to trade saving someone for anything I'm supposed to provide for myself, especially the things I'm afraid I'm not good enough to achieve.

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2. Each person is responsible for healing themselves.

I can't reach into my married ex-boyfriend's head or my mother's head, no matter how much their pain moves me, how sorry I feel for them, how much I wish their lives could be different. No matter what I read, what I know, what worked for me, or how much I think they should do whatever worked for me.


Their salvation is their own learning. It takes place in their heads. Therefore, they are the ones who have to reach it. I am not God and I can't make anyone else do anything.

3. I am here for self-development.

All I'm supposed to do on this planet is to become self-supporting, self-sufficient, and self-responsible. That means money, health, happiness, and meaning in my life come from me — all me and only me.

I'm supposed to develop my own talents and my own self-belief and self-worth, nobody else's.

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4. I am here to evolve and take the best care of myself.

I am here to become perfectly OK in myself. I am here to believe in myself and to learn to joyfully do what I do best.


Life will be whatever it is and that's good enough. Period. Whether I have anyone to share my life with or not.

5. I do not need anybody else's anything.


6. I am okay being alone.

After a certain age, many women are alone. If I never find anyone else to be with, it's my job to be okay with that.

RELATED: 5 Reasons Cheating On Your Spouse Is A Truly Terrible Idea

What have I learned about having an affair?

Every affair situation is different. All three people bear responsibility. An affair is always symbolic of what needs to be developed in our lives. When we look for the unsatisfied needs, we're on the right track.

Psychology and astrology can be helpful shortcuts to some answers we need, and​ they can be worth a look if you're struggling.


Affairs are often rooted in our childhood, as most adult relationship problems are similarly connected to our early development.

Therefore, if you are struggling with affair-related issues, go back to your childhood to see what might be the root of the issues. Professional assistance can help you to do this.

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P.D. Reader is a level one student in the NCGR School of Astrology, but her work focuses on spirituality, lifestyle, and relationship topics. She runs Unfaithful: Perspectives on the Third-Party Relationship Medium.