The Key Difference In How Men And Women Process Breakups, According To Research
Men always seem to come back. Women, not so much.
VVS | pexels Let me tell you about one of the worst breakups I've ever had. I had begged, pleaded, and cried, asking for my ex to come back. He had broken up with me because “he didn’t feel like” being with me. He was too young to settle down, in his eyes. Time passed. I realize I was over him, eventually. About a year after he left, his friends started crashing one of my birthday parties to try to convince me to get back with him.
Unfortunately for him, that would never happen. Even if I were single, I would not be willing to date him again. When I realized I was done with him, I was done. Him? Not so much. I’m far from the only woman who has experienced this phenomenon, too. This is a story that I’ve seen play out dozens of times with dozens of women. A friend of mine noticed this, too.
Men will often leave, get seller’s remorse, then realize they had it much better with their significant other in the picture.
They often will either come back or scramble to get someone else to fill that gap.
When women finally get to the point that they are done, they are done as in End-Of-The-Line, Stop-Do n’t-Pass-Go, Kaputzki, Over, Well-Done, Charbroiled, and Pining-For-The-Fjords.
fizkes / Shutterstock
Their interest in reigniting a relationship is deader than a Monty Python parrot.
You can generally convince a man to get back together with most women. The same cannot be said of the task of convincing most women to get back with their exes.
Why is that the case? It’s simple. The dynamics of breakups are different between women and men, at least most of the time. Speaking from experience, men tend to be more impulsive about breakups and are more likely to break a relationship for a frivolous cause.
Men lament the benefits they lost.
It’s also common knowledge that men tend to regret breakups more than women. One of the main reasons for that regret is that men tend to benefit more from romantic relationships than women do. Men often have their entire support system through romantic relationships. Women, on the other hand, tend to work on having a larger network of friends and family.
It’s no secret that women also still do the majority of housework in heterosexual relationships, even when both parties work. Being single means guys have to do their own meal prep again.
Men also have been increasingly enjoying the benefits of having a second income through their romantic partners. They’re no longer the main breadwinner in the majority of households. When guys realize they lost their emotional support network, their maid, their bedmate, and (potentially) their extra income, they tend to panic. All of a sudden, they start missing the ex.
Women embrace the solitude.
Women, on the other hand, are generally fine flying “solo dolo.” Studies continue to show that single women tend to be happier and healthier than their partnered counterparts. If a woman is happier without a man in her life, it’s going to be very hard to convince her to go back to the guy she broke up with. At times, breaking up actually can show a girl how much better off she is without her boyfriend.
When it comes to convincing an ex to get back to you, you have to think about what benefits they got from dating you. That’s why I keep telling guys that their toughest competition isn’t a hot guy or a toy.
It’s solitude and a woman’s peace. Sadly, a high number of men can’t compete with that peace.
fizkes / Shutterstock
The numbers game
There’s another main issue I think tends to feed into this issue. Men have a harder time finding a girlfriend or even getting laid, statistically speaking. They have to put in a lot more effort.
No one wants to start over again. Restarting from square one is a hassle. It can take years to find a steady girlfriend, even if you’re a cool guy. Perhaps realizing how much work it is to find another partnership makes some guys balk.
Seller’s remorse
Statistically speaking, the numbers suggest that most men just regret breakups overall. One survey revealed that over 75 percent of men who dumped their exes felt regret for doing it within 60 days of the breakup.
The biggest move that makes male exes realize their mistake? It’s going no-contact. The same survey noted that 68 percent of men said that the space they had from going no contact made them recognize the value their exes brought to the table.
The walkaway wife
Finally, there’s also the reason behind Walkaway Wives. Women are the majority of dumpers in relationships, and that has a lot to do with the way many men work. Men are often content to stay in relationships they’re not happy with. They generally will not leave. If they’re unhappy, they may not even show it that much.
Women are more vocal when it comes to the way they react to relationship issues. Women will often try everything in the book to try to improve a relationship’s issues — talk, request therapy, plead, cry, beg… If a woman has tried everything to improve a particular issue without any sign of improvement, she’ll stop nagging and arguing. This isn’t because she is happy. Rather, it’s because she’s written the guy off and is working to leave.
When a woman gets to the point that she has written a guy off, she’s done. Even if he changes, she won’t want him back. That’s the basic gist of a Walkaway Wife: she recognizes that the guy is not worth it and leaves.
What can guys take away from this
If a woman has decided to dump you, it’s best to understand that it’s 100 percent over. She very likely won’t come back. Your time is best spent finding a new partner and working to ensure you don’t make the same mistakes with the next lady you meet. However, there’s a silver lining to this, too. If a woman actually asks you to come back to her, chances are she’s for real, and it suggests that you are likely a very good partner. After all, if she’s running back to you, that means you offer her more perks than life as a single girl. And that? Well, that means you’re the rare type of guy many girls would bicker over.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
