11 Behaviors That Reveal A Man Was Raised By Narcissists, According To Psychology
His behavior might be a product of how he was nurtured, but once he knows better, he should do better.
MAYA LAB / Shutterstock When a man exhibits toxic behavior, it's easy to chalk it up to his own narcissistic traits. You might assume he just became this dysfunctional person intent on making your life difficult by choice, but sometimes his conduct is learned behavior. Certain behaviors are clues that a man was raised by narcissistic parents who taught him early on that a healthy mind is hard to come by.
Understanding the root causes of undesirable actions is not to excuse them, but to better understand them. Identifying is not meant to pathologize a person because of the behavior or emotions they display, but to get a better idea of how their upbringing impacted the way they show up in the world. Not everyone raised by narcissistic parents will have these traits, but if someone does have them all, there's a strong possibility that they were.
Here are 11 behaviors that reveal a man was raised by narcissists, according to psychology
1. Difficulty expressing emotions
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The irony of a narcissist ignoring your emotions is that they do so as a coping mechanism to help them control their own emotions. Men raised by narcissistic parents often had to suppress their feelings for fear of upsetting their caregivers. They learned early on that they were to be seen and not heard, and the mindset stuck with them into adulthood.
These men were likely taught that expressing themselves was a burden or a nuisance, so they bottled things up. They stuffed their emotions deep inside them. This makes them more difficult to understand and requires people who engage them to read between the lines, oftentimes unsuccessfully.
2. Low self-esteem, masked with perfectionism
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Narcissists don't know what it is to love unconditionally. They expect perfection, and anything less is met with rejection and disapproval. Parents who are narcissistic raise children who believe that love must be earned, not given. They know that any error in judgment or shortcoming will be met with disdain and a lack of acceptance.
These kids grow into men who try their best to be perfect in the eyes of others. When they fall short, their self-esteem and self-worth suffer. They believe that they must be flawless to be worthy of love and adoration, which is why they take it so personally when you provide constructive criticism instead of falling at their feet.
3. A constant need for validation
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If you have ever been involved with a man who needs to be validated around the clock, you know what a losing battle it is. No matter how much you uplift them, they will need more, and most of the time, will find more outside of you, and it still won't be enough. There is no victory to be had, just pouring into a cup with a gaping hole in the bottom of it.
This need for validation could be a result of not getting it from the people who were supposed to make them feel like they mattered. Their narcissistic parents were inconsistent or manipulative with praise, leaving them clamoring for any external validation they could get. When they didn't find it at home, they started to rely on peers, partners, and social media to make them feel important.
4. Trouble with boundaries
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Being raised by a narcissistic parent can leave a man on either end of the spectrum. They can either have very rigid boundaries that take all of the fun out of life, or they can have none at all, taking unnecessary risks and throwing caution to the wind. Both are extreme, damaging, and more common than you would think.
This behavior is a direct result of having their boundaries constantly violated as children. They might have decided that when they grew up, they would never allow anyone to overstep again. Or, they could have decided that people don't respect them anyway, so there is no point in trying to get them to adhere to any rules of engagement.
5. Caregiver tendencies
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A key characteristic of narcissism is emotional immaturity. When a parent is narcissistic, it can force a child into the role of being a caregiver. They feel the need to protect their mother or father, thereby reversing the roles. They feel overly responsible for how things turn out and take on things that should never be a child's responsibility.
This tendency to take care of others can carry over into adulthood, especially when it comes to their parents. They don't have confidence in the ability of the people who raised them to navigate their own lives, so they are perpetually relegated to taking care of their needs.
6. Fear of conflict
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Growing up in a household led by a narcissist means any dissent was met with swift punishment. A fear of speaking up or disagreeing was embedded into you early, so you kept quiet. This adverse reaction to potential conflict silenced you, and to this day, you find it hard to do anything that might result in confrontation.
People brought up under narcissistic rule will go above and beyond to placate other people so that contention never arises. Even at times when conflict should happen, they let sleeping dogs lie, preferring to deal with that fallout over the wrath of their caregiver.
7. Chronic guilt or shame
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The men who come from the homes of narcissistic caregivers carry a deep sense of shame and guilt. It's not related to anything they've done wrong, but is a byproduct of being blamed for any and everything and never being enough to please their parents.
They often develop low self-worth because of the constant criticism, manipulation, and lack of validation they receive. That leads to many of the mental health challenges they face, including self-devaluation, believing they are "less than", and difficulty forming healthy relationships.
8. Difficulty trusting others
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Because these men did not have a safe space for themselves in adolescence, they have subconsciously decided that people just cannot be trusted. They saw firsthand how their parents could switch between hot and cold, break promises with no regard, and manipulate them to get their way.
They've become suspicious of everyone and feel naive when they let someone in, and their trust is violated. The narcissistic home environment they became accustomed to taught them to assume bad intent and that people are guilty until proven innocent.
9. An inability to identify their own needs
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One of the side effects of having your needs ignored, dismissed, or shamed is that you start to direct that same behavior toward yourself. As time goes on, you understand in your undeveloped mind that what you need is not a priority. So you place your desires and feelings on the back burner and go without.
Because your parents failed to advocate for you, you never learned how to do it for yourself. It is the norm to pay close attention to what makes everyone else happy while totally disregarding your own happiness.
10. People-pleasing behavior
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We already know that being the child of a narcissist means you will embark on a never-ending quest for acceptance. You will people-please to avoid rejection, judgment, or punishment, even when it costs you your own well-being.
You want to be loved and embraced, but you don't believe it can happen without you going to the ends of the earth for anyone who will ask. So, as a grown man, you continue to focus on what will make you feel as if you are a part of something and avoid the isolation you suffered as a boy.
11. An attraction to toxic relationships
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Coming from a family with a narcissist at the helm will have you believing that toxicity and dysfunction are the norm. When things were calm, you waited for the other shoe to drop or grew bored with the monotony of it all. It was only a matter of time before chaos broke out.
Sadly, your familiarity with upheaval feels like love now. Men with narcissistic upbringings unconsciously gravitate to partners who are controlling, critical, and emotionally unstable. Rather than being turned off by dysfunction, they run toward it to hang on to what they know.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
