10 Things That Drain 90% Of Our Happiness & Peace Of Mind Every Single Day
It's time to protect your peace and let go of what brings you down.
Lesia Kapinosova | Shutterstock We tend to be unaware of the daily habits that drain us of our happiness and peace. These habits are often caused by interactions with others in which we hold them to a different standard. When they don’t meet our expectations, we start blaming ourselves internally, which leaves us feeling anxious and emotionally exhausted.
That is because we tend to do it to ourselves, from believing that we can control everything that happens to us to putting unrealistic expectations on others. Being aware of your behavior is the first step toward changing this. You can reclaim 90% of your happiness and peace of mind by challenging these mental habits.
Here are 10 things that are responsible for draining 90% of our happiness and peace of mind every single day:
1. Expecting people to agree with you
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No matter how logical or right you believe you are, people come to a conversation with different values and experiences. Expecting others to agree with you sets you up for inevitable friction and disappointment. This is because you set an unrealistic standard for others rather than yourself. When your peace depends on others affirming your views, it makes you seem like you need them to externally validate you.
People often make assumptions about other people's views and are surprised when they don't agree with them on something. A study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that people with unrealistic optimism who excessively believe in positive outcomes experienced higher levels of psychological distress and lower life satisfaction compared to those with realistic expectations. Overestimating how much others should agree with you will lead you to disappointment and unhappiness.
2. Trying to control things you can't
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The world is unpredictable, so when we try to control a situation that is out of our hands, we get upset when we don't get the outcome we wanted. The root of control is fear. We fear that if we don't do things a certain way, we won't get the perceived reward we thought we would get. Look back at your life and remember when you were uncertain of a situation, only for it to work out in the end. It may not have been how you expected, but it did.
Control, in any form, can damage relationships over time. Research shows that over-controlling parents can cause their children to develop internal disorders like depression and anxiety. This can also be followed by external disorders such as aggression and conduct problems. You never know what will happen, but learning to let go can significantly lower your mental stress. You may not be at peace or even happy about the outcome, but sometimes it's best to let the chips fall where they may.
3. Waiting for an apology that may never come
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When we feel we have been wronged, we desperately want others to feel some remorse for their actions, as it validates our experience. It's a little form of justice that we get from feeling powerless or resenting them in those moments. The problem with this is that until you get the closure that you desire, you will continue to place your energy into ruminating about the pain and refuse to move on.
Instead, you spend your days stewing in the anger and wrong they caused you. According to the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, people who keep thinking about interpersonal offenses are more likely to experience prolonged anger and may engage in revenge behaviors. All of this wastes the precious time and energy you have. Think of how at peace you would be if you just let it go and forgave them.
4. Living the same day over and over
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Our brains thrive on novelty. When we experience something new, our brains release a hit of dopamine, also known as a feel-good neurotransmitter. However, when you constantly repeat the same routine over and over again, this dulls the system. Repetitive and unstimulating routines can lead to boredom, decreased motivation, and cognitive burnout. Not being able to do something different makes you feel trapped and powerless.
Whether it's at work or in school, doing the same thing repeatedly every single day can make you go insane. If it is bad for adults to do repetitive things all day, then one can only imagine how this affects children. A study by Current Sleep Medicine Reports revealed that rigid school schedules like early start times can interfere with adolescents' sleep, which can lead to decreased cognitive function. We need a sense of control to be happy and at peace.
5. Expecting people to treat you how you treat them
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We all want fairness in a relationship. If someone is kind and respectful, they will expect the same from you. However, this isn't always the case. Many people go through life with a 'not owing anyone anything' mentality. It's in our social conditioning to believe that good behavior will lead to good outcomes. This expectation can drain our self-esteem because we take it personally when we are nice to someone and they rebut it with meanness.
People are not irrational when expecting others to treat them well if they act well. A study published by Frontiers found that people are more likely to engage in paying kindness forward when they perceive others to have acted with good intentions. As long as you are genuine with your kindness and do not expect anything in return, you will protect your own peace.
6. Believing everyone should behave like you would
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Thinking everyone behaves a certain way can lead you to seek evidence that reinforces your beliefs about someone, even if those beliefs are inaccurate. This constant battle can lead you to lose meaningful relationships. For instance, if you believe all mother-in-laws will treat their daughter-in-laws poorly, then you will believe yours will too. Research published in Social Work shows that tensions in these relationships often stem from role ambiguity and unspoken expectations fueled by assumptions.
This confirmation bias can close doors on potential connections with others. When you judge someone based on your preconceptions, you drain your mind of all of the positive things that they could bring and focus instead on the negative. The more you misinterpret their actions, the more confused you become because they are not behaving the way you thought they would.
7. Hoping people will respect you the same way you respect them
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We were always told to treat others the way we would want to be treated, but we were also taught that respect is earned, not given. You can always show respect regardless of whether someone deserves it or not. The key is to set boundaries strong enough so that they give you the same amount of respect that you give them. If you don't, you will allow others to drain you of your happiness and peace.
You'll question why you're not good enough for others to respect you. According to the Journal of Health Psychology, people who gave more support than they received experienced poorer mental health and feelings of decreased self-worth. So, while offering help is important, constantly giving without receiving can take a toll. That's why it's important that if we pour into someone else's cup, we ensure they do the same to us.
8. Expecting people to understand how you feel
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We have a false sense of reality, thinking everyone can read social cues and body language when it's easier to communicate what is wrong. Expecting everyone to know what you are thinking is unfair to them. Nobody likes making assumptions or being judged by those assumptions. Doing this drains us because while we're busy sulking, they struggle with their own issues. We often don't see this because we are too preoccupied with what we feel now.
Communicating honestly and clearly is the only way to prevent this from depleting your energy. Say what you feel and ask for what you want. You're not a problem that needs to be fixed; you're just a person navigating a complicated world. Just because you have peace doesn’t mean life is going to be easy; it just means that you won’t run when it gets hard.
9. Believing someone will eventually change
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In any relationship, we often project our feelings onto other people, and when they fail to meet our expectations, we disappoint them. Fantasizing about someone's potential over your own will drain you. You don't need the external validation of helping to change others when you could work on yourself instead. Besides, waiting for someone to change puts your life and happiness in their hands.
As Ahron Friedberg, M.D., explains, actual change comes from within and cannot be forced. Attempting to change someone to fit your desires often leads to frustration and resentment. It can also, at times, feel manipulative on your behalf. Friedberg also notes that it's crucial to recognize and accept others for who they are. It's a waste of time and energy to try to change someone. The more you try, the more they will distance themselves from you even more.
10. Trying to make everyone like you
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Rejection feels painful to us because we are wired to seek social belonging. So, when someone doesn't like us, we take it horribly. As Sean Grover, L.C.S.W., explains, people who excessively seek approval compromise their authentic selves to gain acceptance. This inauthenticity can make interactions feel strained or manipulative, making others distrust you. People-pleasing behavior will drain your happiness because you are giving all of your power to those who would never accept you in the first place.
When your self-worth is tied to other people, you will do anything to seek their approval. To stop this, all you need to do is focus on yourself and practice being more authentic in your interactions with others. That way, you don't drain what little happiness you have left and can finally find some peace of mind.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with over a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.
