11 Things People-Pleasers Secretly Resent But Still Keep Doing Out Of Guilt
They'll do anything to keep the peace and get approval from others, usually at their own expense.
AliceCam | Shutterstock People-pleasers make it their purpose to make everyone but themselves happy. When everyone else is content, so are they, even if it means they are constantly exhausted and burnt out. There are certain things people-pleasers secretly resent but still keep doing out of guilt, often losing their identity despite their habits stemming from a genuine place of kindness.
Still, they can't seem to break their people-pleasing behaviors, as they often originate from deep-rooted emotional patterns they developed early in life. When someone believes that their value is tied to what they do for others and not who they are at their core, they become overly focused on approval from others, no matter how much they neglect their own boundaries.
Here are 11 things people-pleasers secretly resent but still keep doing out of guilt
1. Always saying 'yes' to plans even when they're tired
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Most people-pleasers will chronically commit to plans, even when they are already stretched thin, to avoid letting anyone down. In reality, if they need to turn down plans every now and then, their friends and family will likely understand. However, many people-pleasers live in a fantasy world where everyone is mad at them for saying "no," a word that is practically non-existent in their vocabulary.
"People-pleasers rely on others' approval to feel good about themselves. They can't say no for fear of feeling guilty or worrying that others will think they're selfish and inconsiderate," clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen explained. "And so, in order to feel worthy and accepted, they say yes. And yes. And yes."
What people-pleasers fail to realize is that constantly saying yes to plans without giving themselves time to rest will only lead to them to crash and burn from exhaustion.
2. Taking on extra work when no one else wants to
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People-pleasers strive to go above and beyond in the workplace, even if it means they rarely leave the office and set aside time for themselves. When their colleagues decide to take off early and ask them if they can pick up the slack, they gladly take on the extra projects and power through the crippling exhaustion and desire for a break.
People-pleasers want to feel accepted by those around them, including the people they work with. In order to gain their approval, they will always say yes to taking on the extra work no one else wants to do, even if all they want to do is go home and never have to look at a work task again.
3. Apologizing for things that aren't their fault
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Apologizing for things beyond their control is one of the unfortunate things people-pleasers secretly resent but still keep doing out of guilt. They are hyper aware of everyone else's emotions, and may feel a sense of responsibility for ensuring that everyone feels comfortable.
"With people-pleasing, over-apologizing is motivated by trying to manage the other person's emotions and make them feel better," therapist Jocelyn Hamsher revealed. "Even if you weren't the one to cause harm because you're uncomfortable when other people aren't happy."
Even when a person's emotions are completely out of their control, they still feel the need to take accountability for the sake of everyone else's comfort.
4. Agreeing with opinions they don't agree with
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People-pleasers constantly feel the need to maintain the peace, even if it means agreeing with other people's opinions they don't believe in. If one of their friends expresses their absolute disgust for pineapple on pizza, they'll say, "Oh, I know, I hate it too!" even if pineapple on pizza just happens to be their favorite combination in the world.
People-pleasers convince themselves that they may be offending people just by having different opinions from them, leading to rejection or conflict. Their mindset prevents them from valuing their own opinions and feelings, which are just as valid as everyone else's.
As mental health expert and physician Susan Biali Haas explained, "It's likely that at some point, probably early on, you learned that your feelings or opinions didn't matter. If you expressed your feelings, you experienced pushback or other negative consequences. Acknowledging and expressing your feelings did not get your needs met. So you adapted. You ignored your feelings and expressed whatever people wanted you to, instead."
However, devaluing your opinions only strips you of your identity and sense of self-worth, and people-pleasers may grow to resent what they have done to themselves over time.
5. Letting others talk over them
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Even if people-pleasers have something earth-shattering to say, they'll seal their lips and sit back down if someone else interrupts or talks over them. Since they are always prioritizing others over themselves, they will allow people to have the floor, even in moments where it is their time to shine.
They view even the slightest yet justified behavior, such as contributing to a conversation, as being confrontational and potentially making others uncomfortable. Even though they are just as worthy of speaking and would never interrupt others themselves, people-pleasers will let others steamroll over them in conversations if it will make them feel more accepted.
6. Doing favors for people who never do anything for them
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People-pleasers are all about giving and not taking, even if people don't have the same regard for them. They may go through the wringer doing favors for someone without asking for anything in return. Still, this doesn't mean some part of them doesn't at least expect it.
Returning favors is a social principle known as reciprocity, where one returns the kindness someone may have extended to them to let them know how appreciated they are. People-pleasers have become masters of reciprocity, often going above and beyond for those who do even the most simple favors for them (when they even allow them to).
However, one of the things people-pleasers secretly resent but still keep doing out of guilt is constantly doing favors for someone who cannot even muster a "thank you." Still, they don't let it stop them from continuing to offer up their generosity. They constantly show up for the sake of making other peoples' lives easier, even if it means theirs only get harder.
7. Always being the 'therapist' friend
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Being the therapist friend of your group means that you are always the one who listens and supports everyone else without ever getting the chance to vent about your own issues.
People-pleasers often fill the role of the therapist friend since their purpose is to make others feel seen and heard. They'll spend hours on the phone coaching someone through a breakup while offering advice to another about their career crisis.
While being the therapist friend makes people-pleasers genuine and someone their friends can trust, they can easily become emotionally drained by the constant listening and supporting without anyone lifting them up in return. They often fail to realize that they can be a likable and trustworthy friend without being the one to jump in and offer a shoulder to cry on whenever someone asks them to.
"Session after session I have clients who boast about being the 'therapist friend' among their peer group. The one who is known as the sage advice-giver, vessel of all things trauma and overall emotional dumping ground. They love being the secret-keeper, the trusted ally, the paternal figure," licensed counselor Monet David shared. "And it's slowly killing them. Okay, maybe not like, actually, killing them, but it is causing a lot of psychological harm."
It is impossible to be the friend who constantly gives advice and offers support to others when you feel like you're running on empty. Being the therapist friend means you suppress your own emotions to allow space for others.
Still, people-pleasers will make it their mission to help their friends through personal crises in any way they can, even if they never receive the same energy back.
8. Avoiding conflict to keep the peace
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People-pleasers are all about keeping the peace, no matter the cost. Even if someone says something belittling or insulting to them, they swallow their pain and smile to avoid stirring up any potential confrontations. However, expressing our emotions is a natural right we have as humans, and suppressing them for the sake of others will only end up backfiring on us.
"With suppression, you're trying to negate the emotion's existence which, it turns out, isn't exactly possible, nor good for you," psychotherapist Katherine Cullen said. "Supressing emotions increases our stress levels... This increase in stress helps explain why regular emotion suppressors tend to bring higher risks of heart disease and hypertension."
When people-pleasers continue to sit back and let people walk all over them, they may think they are just maintaining the overall peace. However, they are hindering their own inner peace.
9. Responding immediately to every text
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People-pleasers will always make themselves readily available in the event that someone needs them. This means going to bed with their ringer on full blast and chronically checking their phones for any texts from people who need to reach them right at that very moment.
However, by doing this they are neglecting real-life commitments that may need their attention at that point in time. They may be in an important work meeting or spending time with their kids when they receive texts. This doesn't mean they should drop everything to respond right away, though.
Abandoning ongoing tasks just to reply to a text they can circle back to later on may not be feasible or even appropriate. No one can expect anyone, even people-pleasers, to be on call 24/7.
10. Letting others make decisions for them
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People-pleasers want to accommodate others, and will leave all of the decision-making up to them so they can make choices that are most comfortable for them. They associate their identity with being agreeable and easygoing, which makes voicing their own decisions a risky and unfamiliar move.
By letting those around them always call the shots, people-pleasers rob themselves from having any autonomy, which can erode their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. They may doubt their own judgements and constantly rely on others to make decisions and feel validated.
"When you are trained to be a people-pleaser, you lose touch with your own wants, needs, and desires. You lose touch with how you feel. You might even feel that you were never in touch with your own feelings," social worker Barbara Heffernan wrote.
It's not that people-pleasers necessarily lack their own opinions. They just believe that their opinions will cost them acceptance and approval from others.
11. Overexplaining or justifying their decisions
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Whether it be something as small as their favorite ice cream flavor or their choice to move across the country to pursue their dream job, people-pleasers often feel the need to overexplain and justify their decisions to those around them. They may fear that if they don't explain their decisions thoroughly enough, others may judge or criticize them.
They are all about gaining approval, which is why one of things people-pleasers secretly resent but still keep doing out of guilt is jumping through every possible hoop to get others to understand where they are coming from and why they do the things they do, even if they don't really require an explanation.
They cannot move forward unless they get the seal of approval from everyone else, failing to realize that, at the end of the day, the only person who will be impacted by their decisions is themselves.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.
