Parents Who Stay Extra Close To Their Adult Children Usually Respect These 11 Clear Boundaries
Maria Sbytova | Shutterstock Maintaining a healthy, close relationship between parents and adult children is no easy feat. As kids grow into adults, their dependence wanes and some parents can feel the loss of control and connection acutely. Sometimes, this feeling of loss causes them to lash out, find new ways of controlling their kids, and other behaviors that cause further disconnection.
In contrast, parents who stay extra close to their adult children set clear boundaries and do their best to respect them. Their kids grow up feeling safe and supported, opening the door for a beautiful and more mutual adult friendship.
Parents who stay extra close to their adult children usually respect these 11 clear boundaries
1. They always knock before entering their adult child's home
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Many parents assume their kids' space, even when they're adults, is an extension of the family home. Thus, they rarely knock when they walk in. But parents who keep their adult children close, respect the boundary and knock before entering.
This boundary can be extended to adult children living at home, too. According to Pew Research Center, more and more adults are moving back in with their parents, and this can cause tension. However, even these parents can set boundaries around personal space and privacy that help their bonds to grow closer.
By knocking before entering their kids' spaces, they reinforce that boundary. By giving busy or exhausted kids room to relax without judgment, they reinforce that boundary. A million other subtle behaviors and tendencies in a shared household — and a relationship with more physical space — can reassure parents and kids that their space is valued and respected.
2. They have clear definitions of 'success'
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Instead of punishing and judging their kids for failing to meet a goal based on vague or unrealistic expectations, parents with close bonds to their adult children guide their kids by promoting an achievable, fulfilling, and satisfying sense of success.
Sometimes, that manifests as a commitment to integrity. Other times, it's a more practical achievement of a goal, like attending the local community college or getting a job and contributing to household expenses.
The goal of "trying their best" is good enough for some parents, especially when their adult children have been struggling. Regardless, parents who stay close to their grown kids they make their expectations for their kids incredibly clear, leaving no room for disappointment, unnecessary criticism, or mistrust in their relationships.
3. They accept and celebrate emotion
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Parents with close bonds to their adult kids raised their children in an environment that is safe for them to express emotions. As adults, these families prioritize emotional intelligence, even if it means listening quietly amid a toddler's tantrum or giving their teenager space to express their concerns.
Parents who stay extra close to their adult children maintain that openness and emotional connection even into adulthood. Even if they're not on the same page or if they're disagreeing, they're committed to hearing out their kids' emotions and opinions.
This boundary might manifest as necessary space when one person's emotions feel dismissed or they feel like their emotions are being escalated. This may seem from an outsider that the parent isn't able to accept the heightened, but because of their secure connection, both parent and adult child know that they're taking a break, not disconnected.
4. They respect their kids' autonomy
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The basis for a close bond and healthy relationship between parents and their adult kids is respect. While it might seem easy to achieve, it's often incredibly difficult for people to master, especially when parents struggle to see their kids in their adult identity.
Whether it's nostalgia or a need for control that informs this misguided mindset, it can feel impossible to take a step back and respect their adult kids' decisions, life choices, and autonomy. They may think, "If I'm not going to help or advise them, who will?" The problem is, these kids are are adults, and they have the right to make their own choices. In fact, it's important that they do.
According to the Parents Resource Network, each adult child will need different degrees of support making choices. "There are four main factors to consider in order to make a meaningful support plan for your individual young adult with his or her own unique needs," the group explains. "The factors are: autonomy, capacity, responsibility for consequences, and protection."
Parents with close bonds to their adult kids have mastered this boundary, reminding themselves in every interaction and disagreement that their kids have the tools, techniques, and autonomy to make the decisions that are best for them.
5. They only share advice when they're asked for it
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Unprompted advice from parents can be a huge motivator for resentful feelings in adult children. They're adults who make their decisions and build their own lives without constant guidance, so they're more driven to seek comfort and a listening ear from their parents rather than direct advice.
Family therapist Sarah Epstein argues that this unprompted, and often unnecessary, advice often subtly sabotages healthy conversation and bonds. After all, as kids grow up, they need to feel their parents' support, and unsolicited advice can make young adults feel like their parents don't have faith in them.
6. They have a close familial bond, not a friendship
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Despite what many think, it's possible to have a close bond between parents and adult children without crossing into "friendship" territory. There are still some boundaries around what's appropriate and productive to discuss, especially when it comes to other siblings, partners, or parents, but the relationship morphs into two adults who respect one another.
Unlike other platonic friendships that tend to be sources of support for all kinds of struggles, intimate and otherwise, a parent or adult child should never be the main source of guidance in each other's lives. It not only tends to spark emotional burdens and anxiety in a familial bond, it can spark resentment that's difficult to address and overcome.
7. They make space for differing opinions and views
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Parents with close bonds to their adult kids typically have created an environment where their children can experience safety, comfort, and security in their relationship. This allows the children to remain unconcerned about abandonment during conflicts or disagreement.
When parents stay extra close to their adult children, it is usually because this type of relationship has been cultivated since childhood. In these secure relationships, parents celebrate their kids' differing views and let them speak openly without judgment or unnecessary critique.
While a study reported in The Gerontologist argues that lifestyle choices, habits, routines, and values tend to be the source of tension for the majority of parent-child relationships into adulthood. Those with close bonds have allowed thier children to share, debate, and discuss without fear that they'll hurt the relationship or be judged.
8. They have mutual respect for each other's schedules
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Whether parents and their adult children are living separately or together, respect for each other's schedules is incredibly important. Many relationships founded on close bonds re-assert those boundaries with small behaviors every day.
From splitting household responsibilities, to communicating social time together, to dropping by unannounced, they communicate the basic respectful expectations they have for each other, so there's no built up resentment or misunderstanding fueling a divide. They understand who is responsible for what, and show gratitude for what the other does.
9. They're clear about financial support
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According to a recent report, nearly three-quarters of parents are providing some form of financial support to their adult kids.
"A new nationally representative survey from AARP shows that today’s parents are extending their support to children well beyond the traditional milestones of age 18 or even 22," they explain. "In fact, nearly three-quarters are providing some form of financial assistance to their adult children."
When parents who manage to stay extra close to their adult children share this type of support, they put strong boundaries in place. There's no exploiting or taking advantage of this generosity, no guilt tripping or taking it for granted. Everyone is on the same page about who buys what and where they need help.
10. They're open communicators, when the time is right
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Navigating communication with an adult child isn't easy. They grow up and often remove their parents as the center of the world and replace that connection with a partner or a small group of trusted friends. According to Joanna Schroeder, co-author of the book Talk To Your Boys, not only is this developmentally appropriate for adolescents and young adults, it's healthy.
"Don't worry," she reassures, "they'll be back. In fact, when times get tough, adult kids often turn to their parents first, knowing they'll give reliable advice and unconditional love."
"The trick is knowing when to approach teen and adult kids and how," Schroeder, a parenting expert, explains. "First, and most importantly, don't assume they'll drop everything to talk to you. Knock on the door, ask if they're busy, and let them know you want to talk when they have time."
This helps the kids know that their parents see them as separate, unique human beings. This is essential for any adult relationship, including the one with adult children.
11. They don't expect perfection and forgive mistakes
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Parents who hold their children to unrealistic expectations of perfection often spark feelings of shame and guilt in their kids, even if it's totally unintentional. Those uncomfortable emotions often follow them into adulthood with behaviors like suppressing their emotions or prioritizing pleasing others.
Parents who stay extra close to their adult children respect that everyone makes mistakes, and they show up for their kids when mistakes lead to normal consequences. Of course, there are limits to this support, as there should be in any relationship, but these wise parents see the value in helping their kids learn from their mistakes, rather than making them feel even worse.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
