Sharing These 11 Tiny Secrets Makes People Unintentionally Charming
Ekateryna Zubal | Shutterstock Unintentionally charming people light up almost every room they walk into, and it often seems like they're not even trying. They give off a magnetic, positive energy that draws other people to them.
Some aspects of being charming can be learned, like holding yourself with confidence and engaging in active listening. Yet, according to Dr. Ryne Sherman, a personality expert, most charming people are just born that way. But one thing that draws in others is a charming person's willingness to share tiny secrets that allow others to truly see and know them.
Sharing these 11 tiny secrets makes people unintentionally charming
1. Little judgments they make
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Passing judgment on people we meet is an inherent part of human nature. In fact, judging others is often a subconscious process, one we cannot help. What makes people unintentionally charming is when they do not act unkindly on those, but are willing to confess the thoughts.
Psychologists from Princeton University found that upon meeting a stranger, people form first impressions within one-tenth of a second. Our first impressions of others aren't always correct, and it takes some amount of grace and self-awareness to shift our initial opinion of someone.
Even though judging is part of being human, it's highly unlikely that a truly charming person will admit to passing judgment on others.
Oftentimes, charming people rely on outside admiration to boost their sense of self. If they acknowledge that they've judged someone's character in a negative way, they might lose people's respect, which is a cornerstone of how charming people thrive in social situations.
2. Negative thoughts
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Much like judging, having negative thoughts about ourselves and others is normal human behavior. While most of the time it's best to keep negative thoughts to yourself, unintentionally charming people will often confess a few select negative thoughts to trusted friends. When authentic, this is a wonderful way to make yourself vulnerable and show who you truly are.
This isn't just endearing, but confessing tiny negative thoughts can help a person get a realistic perspective. After all, when a person's negative thoughts play on a constant loop to the point where they become disruptive, they're referred to as "unpleasant repetitive thoughts," according to Dr. David Hanscom.
These thoughts can grow larger, evolving into an obsessive pattern, which can trigger a fight or flight response. Once we recognize that negative thoughts are part of life, it's easier to release them. By not being open about their negative thought processes, charming people might do themselves harm.
3. Past mistakes
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Acknowledging mistakes we've made is never an easy process, but confessing them as tiny secrets often make people unintentionally charming. It requires us to look inward and analyze our less-than-perfect behavior, which is uncomfortable, to say the least. Truly charming people almost never reveal their mistakes to other people, as they want to maintain their appeal.
In a 2019 study, psychologists had participants answer questions, offering success feedback when the answers were correct and failure feedback when they were wrong. The study found that people learned less from their failures than from their successes.
"Failure is ego threatening, which causes people to tune out," the psychologists explained, which is why truly charming people avoid looking deeply at what they've done wrong.
4. Family gossip
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Truly charming people aren't ones to air out dirty laundry, especially when it has to do with their families. They keep family issues quiet, because being loose-lipped only creates more chaos. They will, however, confess their tiny family secrets to trusted others in a way that is funny or even helpful in processing them. It can be helpful for friends to learn that other people's families are a bit messy.
Even if they have major sibling rivalry or a parent they've gone no-contact with, they won't spill any information about what goes on behind closed doors. They're probably perfectly willing to offer a listening ear when you vent about your mom, but they won't spill any gossip of their own.
Every family faces conflict, but a truly charming person will make you think their family has no problems.
5. Personal struggles
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Another tiny secret charming people selectively reveal about themselves are their own private struggles. They may be tempted to keep their battles close to their chest, because they don't want to appear as though they're having a hard time, but they know how important vulnerability is to relationships, and that admitting personal struggles will likely draw high-quality people closer.
Part of the veneer of being charming is making your success and popularity seem effortless. Truly charming people sharing their hardships with others, which can strengthen the sense of connection and intimacy between people. It also helps people find them relatable.
6. Details of their relationship
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While charming people would never reveal secrets about their partner that would embarrass them, they will confess details of their relationship that help them connect on a real, human level with people they trust.
They keep their private lives private, which means they almost never reveal any salient details about their romantic relationships, except with people they truly trust. They don't talk about the fights they have with their partner unless they're willing to admit their role in the conflict or to ask for advice (without being a burden, of course).
Some people let everything slip, but truly charming people know that there's a powerful allure to retaining an element of discretion until trust is formed.
7. The fact that they're in therapy.
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Genuinely charming people who put in the work and go to therapy tend to be proud of their commitment to growth. They probably won't share the topics they discuss there, unless it's light-hearted or they're talking to someone they trust. They'll let you know that they're committed to self-improvement, but they almost never reveal the nitty-gritty things they're working on.
While some people believe in radical transparency and sharing everything about their inner world, charming people keep strict boundaries around what happens in their sessions. They're not ashamed of going to therapy, they'd just rather keep their healing to themselves and they don't want to burden anyone with the responsibility to hear all their problems.
8. Their insecurities
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A 2018 study titled "Insecurity and Psychological Well-being" defined insecurity as "a feeling of uncertainty, a lack of confidence or anxiety about oneself..." The study defined psychological well-being as "the subjective feeling of contentment, happiness, satisfaction with life experiences and of one's role in the world."
While everyone has insecurities from time-to-time, unintentionally charming people know how to share theirs in the form of tiny secrets. These draw people in and make the charming person seem relatable and soft.
Even more importantly, charming people often disclose how they handle their insecurities, too. This takes something that might have just been a gripe session (not charming) and turns it into a dialogue where people can share and inspire one another.
9. That they lie sometimes
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Charming people often use their innate charisma to boost other people's self-worth. They'll tell you they love your haircut, even when your hair looks like you took a bath with a toaster oven. They'll say they love their mother-in-law's cooking, even when it's inedible.
These little white lies do more than keep the peace; they also make other people feel good about themselves. A charming person never reveals when they're lying, because they channel their charm to lift people up, not drag them down.
They do, however share the tiny secret that they tell these lies (and why). This makes them unintentionally charming, because they're admitting to something most people keep secret, and sharing the fact that their motivation isn't deception, but rather peace and happiness.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
10. Their past heartbreaks
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Sharing the secrets of their past heartbreaks is another thing that makes people unintentionally charming. While most people want to seem like the untouchable heartbreaker, charming people admit when they didn't come out on top. They do this in a way that isn't self-pitying, but rather honest and relatable.
For everyone observing these little secrets, confessions about past heartbreaks help them feel less alone. After all, other people's lives often look perfect from the outside, so learning that a charming person has had their fair share of past heartbreak can help a lot.
While commiseration can cause people to create more misery between them, sharing times they've been bested or hurt can be helpful and buoying if you also share what you learned, how you recovered or how you might handle it better if you had to do it again. This turns what could be a gripe-fest into an opportunity to grow as people, together.
Ultimately, the willingness to do this is one of the most unintentionally charming things one can do.
11. Their unique quirks and idiosyncrasies
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We all know someone who is called "quirky". While it's usually the people with funny little traits, unusual fashion sense or willingness to be a little silly are usually the ones who get this name, we all have little quirks and idiosyncrasies, we are just less likely to show them.
One more thing that makes people unintentionally charming is their willingness to share these secret quirks, even if the person isn't a typical quirky person. If someone is a tough guy who works construction, maybe he confesses that he gets a monthly pedicure to relax. Or maybe a woman is a serious, high-powered executive, but confesses that on the weekends she likes to put on a flowy dress and go to music festivals.
Unintentionally charming people aren't afraid to be seen as weird. When they feel safe and comfortable, they'll share what makes them unique like tiny secrets. And this makes them all the more lovable.
