The Top 5 Questions I Get Asked As A Breakup Coach (And My Honest Answers)
Reframe any breakup into a breakthrough.
Zinkevych | Canva Isn’t it ironic how people always tell me, "their relationship was different and I just don’t understand," and they all ask the same questions?
Yet, the only way to get through a breakup is to experience all your emotions and thoughts. Observe them, accept them, show compassion, and work through them. You don't have to feel alone with post-breakup emotions because almost everyone is asking themselves the same questions you are, so you need honest answers to help reframe your breakup into a breakthrough.
Here are the top 5 questions I get asked as a breakup coach:
1. What is the fastest and easiest way to get over my ex?
Let me tell you this straight: Breakups are supposed to be hard.
You’ve spent months or years with a person, there was love and intimacy, and suddenly that’s taken away from you. That hurts, and there’s no way around it.
I understand we live in a society that’s obsessed with everything going fast ("Lose 10 pounds in a week!", "Become a top speaker in a month"), but that’s simply not how healing works. Emotional growth is a process, and you’ll build this capacity one step at a time.
Here’s the answer my clients don’t like to hear: The fastest and easiest way to get over a breakup is to face the pain and allow all the uncomfortable feelings.
Working through your trauma is the most effective way to come back stronger, not finding any shortcuts to bypass it. The more you resist and suppress your grief, the longer it’ll stay stuck in your body and shape your reality.
Still don’t believe me? Next time you go grocery shopping, observe people’s faces. Find the faces filled with bitterness and anger — these are examples of people who didn’t properly work through their grief, sadness, or anger (possibly after a break-up and other disappointments). Do you want to look like them one day, or do you want to shine again?
"If you want an opportunity to really dig deep and confront your old patterns of pain, unconsciousness, and reactivity, then get into an intimate relationship," recommends psychiatrist Susan Franklin. "If you want to see where you’ve grown and where you definitely have not grown, and find out how present you are able to be, the way you interact with your partner will let you know where those strengths and weaknesses lie."
2. How long will it take to get over my ex?
Dmytro Zinkevych via Shutterstock
I’m not surprised that I often get this question, as it reflects another basic human need: safety.
We crave a timeframe and predictability because our brains are extremely uncomfortable being in the unknown.
The truth is, I can’t tell you how much time you’ll need to get over your ex, and neither can you.
Some studies suggest it takes about three months to feel better after a breakup, whilst for divorces, it’s estimated to be one and a half years. Although this can be a benchmark, it isn’t necessarily one, and I won’t tell this to any client.
The North American Journal of Psychology published study results "that showed relationship length and how quickly the individual began dating someone new were predictors of recovery from the breakup of a romantic relationship."
What many people don’t understand is that the grief triggered by their breakup is only partially related to this ex. A big part of it is past grief you’ve never worked through — whether that be the loss of partners, family, friends, or pets. Thus, your past combined with your general capacity to hold uncomfortable emotions has a huge impact on the time it’ll take to get over your ex.
What if you saw breakups as a life-changing opportunity that’ll teach you how to be with discomfort, not knowing when it ends? Changing your mindset instead of craving a deadline will teach you rock-solid resistance for the rest of your life.
3. What if my ex already has a new partner?
Your breakup is not a competition, although many seem to view it as such.
We post pictures on social media, living our best life to make sure our ex knows we’re doing fine without them. Even worse: We stalk our exes' social media, see all these glorious pictures, and assume they’re doing much better than we are. Worst case, we see a photo of their new partner.
Yes, your ex might already have a new partner, but that has nothing to do with your worth. It doesn’t mean you weren’t good or pretty enough. It certainly doesn’t mean your ex never loved you.
All it means is that your ex found someone new. Period. Maybe they couldn’t face the pace and had to jump into the next best relationship. Maybe they worked through it and felt ready.
You don’t know and it doesn’t matter. All that matters is your healing journey. By focusing on your exes’ new life, you’re stalling your healing and the start of your new fabulous life.
I know it hurts seeing someone you still love with a new partner but remember: your ex didn’t find someone better, just someone else.
Everybody has a different speed. Just because someone is moving on faster than you doesn’t change your worth. Again, the belief that "faster is better" is simply not true. Comparing your healing journey to someone else’s is meaningless because of each of our unique pasts.
4. What if I never find someone as good again?
If one fear hits deep after a breakup, it’s the fear of being alone forever.
Unless you have rock-solid self-worth and trust in the Universe, you’re going to feel self-conscious and scared at some point. I have never encountered a person whose first genuine reaction after a breakup was: I know I’ll find so much better.
Confidence coach Caroline Rushforth advised that "Although you cannot control other people’s behavior toward you, you can control how you respond to them. This is the most resourceful way to maintain a sense of personal power. In order to build up our self-esteem, the best starting point is to work on the most important relationship of all — the relationship you have with self."
During the breakup process, our brain naturally wants to push us back into our comfort zone — back to our ex. It recalls the good parts and forgets all the things that didn’t work out. We get nervous and start thinking, "Maybe this person was the best thing ever." We follow this feeling and suddenly end up with our ex again
It’s too tempting to follow this fear, but be inspired by the words I usually get from clients who have properly worked through their breakup:
"I’d never take this person back again. I can now see through all the lies and why things didn’t work out. I deserve so much better."
I invite everyone going through a breakup to reframe the above question to this: What if I find someone much better? What if there was somebody else out there who could fulfill your needs and wants in a way you could’ve never imagined?
Once you start shifting your belief system, you will find someone better. Our brains are built to think of worst-case scenarios but in 99 percent of the cases, the most realistic scenario is not worst-case.
5. I already felt better, why am I crying nonstop again?
fizkes via Shutterstock
Healing has no deadline, and it’s not linear. Here are a few examples of what healing can look like:
- Joy
- Empowerment
- Desperation
- Confusion
- Thrill
- Disbelief
- Boredom
- Sadness
You can never predict when any of these stages are going to hit you. Many people think they’ve taken a step back if they felt happy one day and suddenly feel sad the next.
Here’s my answer: Going through different types of emotions is a sign of progress, not regression. It’s a process called recycling — you’ll recycle memories that have been triggered by whatever reason. Maybe you’ve walked past your favorite restaurant, or perhaps you don’t see any connection.
And that’s OK, you don’t have to know.
You’ve already worked through the first bits and are now strong enough to deal with the residuals. Your body wouldn’t have them show up if you weren’t ready for them. It will only give you what your nervous system is capable of feeling at this very moment.
Remember: The emotions that are showing up are cycling through your system anyway. If you don’t let them come up now (and suppress or judge them), they’ll only come back later in your life, as shown by a study of the cognitive consequences of emotion suppression.
As you can see from the most common breakup questions, you’re not alone. We all have the same thoughts popping up, questioning our very existence and self-worth.
If you’re ready to face your biggest pain and alchemize it into love, I promise something is waiting at the other end of the tunnel you could’ve never imagined.
Anja Vojta, MSc, is a certified relationship coach and breakup expert. She's a frequent contributor to Medium, The Good Men Project, and Better Humans, among many others.
