4 Awkward Things People Do On First Dates Without Realizing They're Giving Off Cringe Energy
Nerves make it easy to slip into cringe-worthy habits without noticing.
GaudiLab | Canva Recently, I came across a fun study exposing gender differentiations regarding traits and habits that get people beyond the first date. This study produced three general categories: etiquette, involvement, and behavior. The study revealed women want men who are well-behaved and kind, and men value women who are engaging and display interest.
Soon after reading this study, I was vacationing abroad with my single sons and several of their friends. I also met up with my single sister-in-law and several of her friends, and I couldn't help but put this study to the test with both groups.
My study yielded some interesting answers and dynamics. For starters, the focus was immediately on what was not appreciated. Perhaps a few burns are still painful? While I could fit all the answers into the same three categories as in the referenced study, I decided to create my own.
Here are four awkward things people do on first dates without realizing they're giving off cringe energy:
1. Asking extremely personal questions
One young man in his mid-20s had been on a first date when the young woman asked, "So, how much money do you make?" He went on to say that they were less than 10 minutes into the date.
Another young man reported he had been asked his stance on abortion early in a first date. And another was asked who he had voted for in a recent election.
The women reported being asked about their financial security and if they had been vaccinated. This tells me that, regardless of the question, anything intimate about finances, politics, and possibly religion is simply too personal and too much for a first date.
Suppose any of these are dealbreakers for you. In that case, my participants suggest there is always the option to choose dating sites and community groups dedicated to specific beliefs and followings, so you can avoid the misaligned first date altogether.
2. Having a bad attitude
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The women were put out by men who bragged about themselves, spoke poorly of an ex, blamed others for a situation, and were generally negative. They were turned off by any attitude or expectation of her to pay for the date or be intimate. And if there was a sense of a woman-hater perspective, shut the door.
The men were also put out with women whose self-esteem was low, putting themselves down, as much as with women who were overly self-confident and bragging. The clingy, needy, gossipy, rude (to the waiter/waitress), and those already discussing the future with them are finished on the first date. And yes, the guys brought up the man-hater attitude.
3. Displaying bad manners
The men focused on not appreciating actions that were distracting from the date, such as being late, not looking like their pictures, being on their phone too much, talking about themselves, being more interested in the venue, event, or party than in getting to know them, and bringing up an ex. Some experienced the awkwardness of being compared to an ex, whether in looks, actions, or other ways; they thought this did not need to be communicated on the first date.
The men also were put off by indecisiveness when offering her options, by loud behavior (as in attention seeking), drinking more than he did, and cursing.
On the flip side, the woman disliked impatience shown by over-texting her in advance of the date, control like ordering for her without asking, and too many compliments, which come across as insincere. Anything emotional like 'you are the woman of my dreams,' or intimate like 'you're so hot I can't wait to get out of here and go somewhere private,' is described as too much too fast and scripts' the end' before it has begun.
The women were also disappointed by men who kept stepping away from them to be on the phone or to smoke, were more interested in sharing about themselves than getting to know her, talked about their ex, were rude to staff, or dressed inappropriately for the date.
4. Giving off a superiority complex
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One of the most surprising of our discussions was that, unanimously, the men mentioned feeling judged by the women. And my talk with the women supported the men's feelings.
The women reported how a man dressed as an instant deal maker or breaker, and if he were too buff, he must be overly confident and all about his outer self. In fairness, I asked the women if they felt judged by men. "Always!" They looked at me as if I had forgotten what that was like. I have not.
While the men stated they only expected her to look like her online photos, women expected them to be a 10 when she may be a 6. I thought. Do we still speak in ratings? I just assumed there was a new system.
When prodded, the men spoke only of hoping she would not dress inappropriately for the date, but also that they would not pre-judge personality based on body type or choice of attire.
When I asked my participants what they appreciate, as you can imagine, it was the opposite of what they do not appreciate. The men felt they had a simple checklist and were looking for personality, appearance, and intelligence.
They expounded, saying they greatly appreciate a woman who will banter playfully, using and allowing humor to ease the nervousness both likely feel. They also enjoy a woman who offers to share the bill or some part of it. It doesn't mean they will agree, but the offer to contribute is important as they feel she is being considerate.
The women mainly spoke of his manners. They want a man who opens and holds doors, pulls the chair, and invites her to order first. They love a man who maintains eye contact in conversation, making her feel seen, heard, and like the most important person in the room during the date. They appreciate a man who expects to pay but allows her to contribute or reciprocate.
Similar to a 2023 study of mate preference and selection, I found it remarkable that both disappointments and expectations are quite similar regardless of age or gender. When I looked back at my notes, first dates sounded like a lot of pressure, but in reality, it can be boiled down to a simple list:
The First Date Do List:
- Be present
- Be curious (but not intense)
- Be responsive
- Be genuine
- Be positive
- Be kind
- Be playful
- Behave
So, take the pressure off. Slow down. Let go of high expectations of yourself and them. A first date is an introduction to sincerely getting to know one another, not to impress for the sake of impressing. Building a deep connection takes time. Finding your person is worth the wait and the date(s).
Ann Papayoti, PCC, is a relationship coach, author, speaker, and host of the podcast, Soul CPR Healing Out Loud. She helps people untangle from their past and heal their hearts.
