If You're In Love With A Woman Who Has ADHD, Prepare For These 10 Totally Worth-It Challenges
ADHD often looks different in women.
Yuvraj Singh | Unsplash You love your partner and have so much fun together. You enjoy that she can focus so much attention on you and you feel like the center of her world. Loving a woman with ADHD is rewarding for these (and may other) reasons, but there are some unique challenges, too.
Knowing these eleven features of ADHD in women may help you understand your partner. After all, ADHD in women often looks different from how it presents in men or boys and understanding the woman you love better can only bring you closer.
1. Your relationship may change drastically after the initial thrill
At the beginning of your relationship, your partner was probably able to focus on you because when something is new and exciting, then they can hyper-focus. You may have felt special, loved, and important. But, since women with ADHD struggle with inattentiveness, procrastination, time management, and organization, your relationship may have changed over time.
This doesn't mean she cares about you less, despite that being one of the myths about women and ADHD. It's just the natural tendency for people with ADHD to be attracted to novelty and able to focus most intensely on something that is new and fascinating to them. She is likely still thinking of you when that first roller coaster ride together slows down, she just has other thoughts and distractions that creep in now, too.
2. Her form of ADHD may not fit the standard symptom profile
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Women who are called spacey, forgetful, and living in a dream world may actually be suffering from ADHD. These symptoms may be confusing to you in a relationship and may feel personal when it is not, necessarily.
The common symptoms of ADHD such as hyperactive and aggressive are not the typical signs of ADHD in women. If the woman you love seems dreamy, lost in thought, unable to shift attention to you during a big project or while diving down a rabbit hole of information, it may be her ADHD, not a lack of care.
She may also have a different type of ADHD than you are used to. After all, there are three main types of ADHD and even these were based primarily upon studying boys and men who fit these diagnoses. Every individual, regardless of gender, is unique and will express their ADHD differently, too!
3. She may have mood swings that are misdiagnosed
Many women with ADHD have mood swings that are labeled as part of depression or anxiety, even if there are no other symptoms of these conditions. Women with ADHD have been found to blame themselves for their challenges and shortcomings, instead of understanding how ADHD impacts their lives, and this can make them feel depressed or anxious.
If you jump on board with blame or shame, this will likely only get worse. Instead, ask questions that show your curiosity around her mood and offer to talk things through with her. Make clear that you understand sometimes she feels things deeply. That way she will know you're approaching her with empathy rather than control.
4. She may live surrounded by stacks and piles of stuff
Women with ADHD may have big stacks of papers and bills lying around the house, or on a desk or counter. If you look in her purse, you will find a messy, overflowing purse, stuffed with papers, make-up, receipts, and old gum and tissues.
Her clutter and disorganization may make her feel embarrassed to have friends or family over. If you want to help, you can either help her put their judgement into perspective or propose organization ideas. Just let her know that either way is good for you.
She may also not see a problem with her clutter. Sandy Maynard, writing for ADDitude Magazine encourages folks with ADHD to set their own standards, writing, "Family, friends, and co-workers may make judgments about our clutter and berate us for it. Neatniks assume that we are lazy or disorganized, when neither is necessarily true. If you are in control of your mess, and your mess isn’t controlling you, let the criticism roll off your back."
If that's what works for the woman you love, help support her in that process.
5. She may struggle to make decisions in certain situations
It's easy for a person with ADHD to become frustrated or even immobilized when there's a lot of stimulation around her. This may affect where she wants to go and how she reacts when you're in a busy place together.
Making decisions in a loud setting or big store can be overwhelming to her, so try not to take it personally if she seems detached or disconnected in one of these settings. Check in with a simple question like, "Are you good?" or ask, "Do you want to step outside for a break?"
6. She may hyperfocus on one thing and neglect another
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If something is interesting to her, she will be able to focus on it (maybe even hyper-focus). Often, it's because she's drawn novelty and excitement. Daily tasks, such as laundry and cleaning, may be challenging to complete because they are just so rote. Or, she may focus only on laundry for an entire weekend while the dishes pile up.
This might not make sense to you, but that's OK. Release the need to try to make her be like you — or anyone else. If you want the dishes done, do them yourself and enjoy laundry weekend with her.
7. She may struggle with a sense of time
She may not get up on time for work, arrive late on dates, or miss appointments because she over-scheduled herself or forgot. This doesn't mean that she doesn't care, that she's lazy or that there's something wrong. It may simply be a symptom of her ADHD.
Some may say this is an excuse, but, according to a report in Medical Science Monitor, "One of the main problems associated with time perception that has been widely noted among individuals diagnosed with ADHD is time estimation". These researchers explain that we need further understanding of why this happens and why testing outcomes vary, but they observe that it is likely common for both children and adults with ADHD. So try not to take it too personally.
8. She may be faking 'normal' for the benefit of others
She may feel embarrassed that she is always trying to catch up and stay ahead of the mess everywhere. But at the same time, your partner may try to hide how she is feeling because she wants to be seen as capable and competent as other women.
It takes a lot of energy to focus and organize, so she might find herself tired and exhausted by the middle of the day. This may be challenging to explain, so she may just keep it inside so she can seem typical or "normal" in front of others.
9. She may express wild passion in unpredictable ways
A sign of ADHD in women is they are impulsive with spending money or physical intimacy. She may retreat away from these things after realizing they were not rational in the moment — or what she thinks would be considered rational by others.
Many women with ADHD do not realize that this is a typical pattern and may feel shame around the decision they make that may seem problematic to others, or even themselves. Show support and stability if she'd like that from you.
10. She may have trouble switching from one thing to another
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For example, if she's working from home, she may need time to transition from work to spending time with you. If the kids interrupt her doing something, she may have difficulty refocusing on that task.
When she says she's going to play a video game or look at Instagram for 30 minutes and now it’s two hours later, you might feel ignored and uncared-for. But that doesn't mean she doesn't care. She may be exhausted or she may have simply disappeared into her project or distraction.
11. You may feel unimportant, whether it's true or not
Since ADHD in women causes distraction, talking to her may make you feel like she's not focusing or paying attention to the conversation. You might talk with your partner and then she might forget about the conversation altogether or forget the agreement you made.
Over time, the unfairness and imbalance in the relationship around completing chores and tasks and planning and organizing events can become frustrating and create resentment.
Women with ADHD are wonderful for many reasons
Sometimes the negative impact of ADHD in women seems to take center stage in relationships. However, women with ADHD possess many positives and strengths, such as courage, resilience, spontaneity, and humor.
Being vulnerable about their challenges is not easy for anyone, but when women are supposed to be the ones making appointments, sending out birthday cards, or keeping the house clean and organized, they could feel self-conscious and uncomfortable about it.
Usually, partners at the beginning of the relationship enjoy the spontaneity and adventurousness of their partner. You can look for ways to continue to use these strengths to foster closeness and positivity in your relationship.
A sign of ADHD in women is impulsivity, but another way to see this trait is to notice her creative abilities at work, home, or in your relationship.
Dr. Edward Hallowell says, "You can not be creative unless you’re impulsive."
Many women with ADHD use humor as a coping mechanism and to deal with missed appointments and messy desks. This can be a lovely thing. As a couples therapist who specializes in couples with ADHD in women, I try to encourage couples to look for the positives that ADHD brings to the table and learn better ways to manage the challenges.
Lisa Rabinowitz, LCPC, is a licensed counselor in the states of Maryland, Delaware, Florida, Vermont, and Virginia. She is a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist and PACT Level 3 candidate.
