If A Relationship Has All 3 Of These Qualities, It’ll Probably Last A Really Long Time
Dean Drobot | Canva Pro Most of us have been told that long lasting relationships just 'click,' but how do you know what to look for in a long-term relationship? It all depends on three specific qualities.
Find a relationship with only one or two of these traits, and you will forever feel like something is lacking in your partnership. Find a relationship with all three of these qualities, however, and you may find yourself in the best relationship of your life, even with someone you thought wasn't your “usual type.”
If a relationship has all three of these qualities, it’s probably going to last a really long time:
1. You are physically attracted to each other
One of the key differentiating factors (and for many people the only differentiating factor) between all of your relationships and your romantic relationship is the fact that you have a physical relationship with each other. If you don’t find your significant other physically attractive, then it’s a non-starter.
Research supports this, with one study finding that physical attractiveness is one of the strongest predictors of whether someone feels a romantic spark with another person, and that it mattered just as much for women as it did for men. That physical pull you feel toward someone is one of the most universal and well-documented catalysts of romantic connection there is.
How to know if this is missing: If you lack that attraction, then they will feel more like a friend.
How to know if you have this: You enjoy kissing and cuddling with them. You find various physical things about them appealing. You get physically excited by them with relative ease.
2. You are each other's actual best friends
Dean Drobot | Canva Pro
A common phrase that I’ve heard from my clients' mouths over the past several years has been that their partners are their “best friends.” And while you don’t necessarily need to describe them as your best friend, they should definitely feel like a friend that you feel safe and comfortable spending ample amounts of time with.
Do you feel safe telling them your secrets? Do you make each other laugh? Are you kind to one another? Then you are likely compatible on a friendship level. This is supported by licensed counselor Kim Olver who stated, "One of the best gifts we can give our partners is the gift of friendship: total acceptance of who they are without expecting anything in return.”
How to know if this is missing: If you lack friendship compatibility, then you will like sleeping with them and enjoy the occasional conversation, but you won’t want to spend Sunday afternoon with them year after year. Their company will grow tiresome.
How to know if you have this: You enjoy each other’s company, you have fun with each other, and you would willingly spend your weekend with them just hanging out.
3. You are intellectually compatible
This point is often the most overlooked one. If you don’t feel like your partner is your intellectual equal, then the relationship might have a tough time getting off the ground. Obviously, there are an infinite number of ways that someone can be intelligent/intellectual/smart. Intelligence is entirely relative. And it only matters that they are smart in the ways that are important to you and what you’re looking for.
Maybe they’re traditionally book smart. Maybe their interpersonal skills are finely tuned. Maybe they are experts in movement, physical creation, or in their manual dexterity. If you feel like you can run intellectual laps around them, the relationship will probably suffer. Conversely, if they challenge you, your worldview, and their thoughts and opinions push you to grow into a better version of yourself, then you’ve found a keeper.
Intelligence is one of only four universal qualities people look for in a long-term partner, a study on 10,000 people revealed. It doesn't matter where you live or what your background is, either. Feeling like your partner can actually keep up with you mentally is something we're pretty much hardwired to care about.
How to know if this is missing: If you lack intellectual stimulation, then you will feel bored. Or unchallenged. Or like something subtle is permanently missing. You might even gradually lose respect for them because you don’t feel like you are with your equal.
How to know if you have this: You look forward to the conversations you have with them. You are able to frequently be in awe of them and their unique form of intelligence. You value the form of brilliance that they bring to the world.
Can you make your relationship work if you don't have all three of these traits? Of course. You can make almost any relationship work. It’s a matter of whether or not you want to and what your core values are.
If you have a thriving social life with your close dozen friends that you see a few times per week, then it might not matter to you if your partner feels like your best friend or not. If you don’t consider yourself someone who values intellectual debate (or you knowingly prefer a partner who isn’t as intelligent as you) then maybe finding a partner who is your intellectual equal is low on your priority list.
Jordan Gray is a five-time Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, Women's Health, and The Good Men Project, among countless others.
