Sorry, But If You’re Seeing These 5 Behaviors In A Friend, Something's Off
Eugenio Marongiu | Canva Is there something about your friend that you just can’t put your finger on — something just feels off? You love them, but you never feel energized after interacting with them as you do with your other friends. In fact, you're always asking yourself, "Why am I so tired?" after a few minutes with them. You even feel out of sorts and a bit guilty for feeling that way.
When you’re dealing with a problematic friendship, one study helped show how it can feel emotionally draining for you in ways that may be similar to the emotional labor a professional counselor feels. Their own emotional instability is affecting you in uncomfortable ways. If this is the case, it's time to know the behaviors that reveal a problematic friendship so you can deal with it (or end it) in the kindest way possible.
If you’re seeing these 5 behaviors in a friend, something's off:
1. They leave you feeling drained
When you think about the last time you hung out with your friend, you realize she spent the entire time talking about herself. She went on and on about everyone and everything that was wrong with her life. She talked and talked and never left enough air in the conversation to allow you to give your two cents on her predicaments. If she did allow you time to speak, she didn’t listen to your response. The conversation felt one-sided because it was.
A study on the endings of friendships explained, "We may believe our friend to share the same set of values and commitments, but we can be wrong. We may see them through the proverbial rose-tinted glasses and fail to spot how they actively damages our well-being."
2. They rarely ever ask you how you’re doing
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A problematic friend may give you a courtesy "How are you?" — but they probably won’t listen to the answer. If they are listening, it’s to hear how your response relates to them. They’re often so self-absorbed that they cannot hear what you have to say. You’re then left feeling alone and worn out. You feel like you should have just stayed at home.
"They may tend to minimize what you feel passionate about without trying to understand your perspective and diminish whatever situation you may be going through," suggested life coach Pamela Aloia. "These people may likely redirect the focus of the conversation to themselves or something completely different to avoid talking about your feelings and helping you through a tough spot."
3. Their conversations leave you feeling uneasy
When you leave the presence of a problematic friend, you may feel off-center. You may even feel like you’ve been slimed by their negative remarks and incessant talking about themselves and the terrible state of the world as they see it.
Often, you will also feel bad about feeling this way. You like (and may even love) this person, but you feel conflicted by your response to them. You may feel sorry for them, angry with them, and compassionate towards them at the same time. It can be very confusing.
4. They make you feel anxious or nervous
Have you ever walked into a room and felt instantly anxious? You didn’t feel that way just before you met your friend for lunch, but you feel it now, and maybe it’s overwhelming. There are many possible explanations for this.
Maybe you're just nervous when you see this person. You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells, afraid to say something that might set them off. You may have something you really need to talk about, but you’re certain they won't honor your need to be heard. This can be anxiety-provoking too.
A study of anxiety and friendships found that another reason why you feel anxious is that you’re picking up on their anxiety. You may be empathetic to the emotions of others, particularly your loved ones. Often, energy vampires have a very shaky sense of self. They may feel in turmoil all the time, and you’re feeling their inner angst as well.
5. They make you dread seeing their name pop up
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Her name comes up on your phone, and you dodge the call. You feel bad that you’re not answering, but you also know you don’t want to talk to her. You just can’t take it. You know the conversation is always the same — it’s about her and what’s happening in her world of drama and trauma. You feel left out of the conversation because you are.
When it comes to spending time with the energy-draining person in your life, you find that you meter out your visits. You only have so much energy and attention for this kind of relationship. The hard part for you is how badly you feel about your own fatigue and exhaustion.
What can you do if a friendship feels off? You may want to start with a discussion with this person, depending on how important they are to you. It could be that your friend loves to talk to you and can’t wait for that opportunity, so she lets it rip. She simply may not know it’s a problem. She may be very happy to adjust her behavior to be more mindful of you and your relationship.
If you’re dealing with a problematic friend, chances are great that she’s emotionally unstable. If this is the case, and you feel like she would not be responsive to talking with you about the dynamics of your relationship, you may want to seek help from a therapist to assist you in speaking with her.
A discussion of this nature may be shattering for both of you without help. Feeling that out before you talk with your friend might be the best answer for you. You may be keeping quiet in her presence because you’re overwhelmed by her. You may even be a people pleaser who just wants everyone else to be happy, so you don’t share how you’re feeling for fear it will make things confrontational and uncomfortable for both of you.
It’s always important to look at the dynamics of your relationships and your personal contribution. In some cases, you may want to end the friendship altogether. It may not be worth your while to continue in a friendship of this nature. You may feel like there isn’t a big enough pull to be around this person. You may even feel that this person is a detriment to your own sense of well-being.
Leaving a friendship can be very difficult, but it can also be liberating. While I don’t advocate leaving every friendship that feels uncomfortable, some will never work and may even be holding you back.
Problematic friends can make you feel like the life has been sucked out of you. This terrible feeling does not have to be your reality. There are solutions, and finding the right one for you will always be the best one.
Dr. Meg Haworth is a seasoned doctor who offers holistic wellness solutions. She uses the power of the mind to help abuse survivors heal from chronic illness.
