If You Choose To Believe These 5 Things, You’re Blocking Your Own Happiness
These ingrained beliefs may feel true, but they're completely draining your joy.
Christian Agbese | Unsplash What does it mean to live a guilt-free life? If you Google it, you'll find plenty of opinions that vary greatly. Some people talk about figuring out how to be happy, living life on your terms, and getting comfortable with who you are. Others believe it's about living a life of luxury without feeling guilty. Yet, others claim that it's about learning how to forgive yourself for past faults. Although some of these suggestions are on the right track (you do need to get comfortable in your skin and learn to forgive yourself to let go of guilt), they're only partially correct.
There's more to it than that. You have to learn how to stop feeling guilty for things you can't control. You deserve to enjoy a life of happiness, too. If you want to live guilt-free, then you must understand what gives you purpose. I'm talking about fulfillment and feeling as though your life has meaning — they're two different things. Purpose and meaning come from:
- Honoring your core personal values (because those are what give you your identity and are the lens through which you view your life, the world, and your place in the world)
- Using your inherent strengths, skills, and talents in a way that you enjoy
- Having deep, meaningful relationships so that you feel connected to others and the world around you
If you choose to believe these 5 things, you’re blocking your own happiness:
1. You believe putting yourself first is selfish
Do you believe that putting your needs first means doing so at the expense of someone or something? If you feel guilt about taking care of yourself or saying "no", then I'm betting that you do (even if you've been unaware of this belief).
Let's get something straight: putting your needs first doesn't mean that you're doing so at the expense of other people. It's quite the opposite. When you are at your best, then you'll be able to serve others more fully. And that's the point of getting your own needs met.
And when it comes to saying "no", understand that just because someone wants something of you doesn't mean you must always comply. You're not required to help others at the expense of caring for yourself. Saying "no" isn't about the other person; it's about you.
You have a right to take care of yourself and to be respected, which is what saying "no" is all about. When it comes to saying no, studies consistently show that boundaries are a form of self-care that everyone needs to stay healthy and compassionate.
2. On the contrary, you believe nobody else's opinions matter as much as yours
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Some people believe that living without guilt is about doing only what you want, with consequences out the window. But that's not true. Research based on evolutionary psychology demonstrates that humans have developed mechanisms to expect reciprocity in relationships, and a lack of reciprocity is associated with negative emotions and lower well-being.
Human beings are hard-wired to connect with other people on a deep level. And part of how you connect with others is to serve and care for them. It's not enough to be cared for; you've got to reciprocate to have deep connections.
This means that there's a balancing act that goes on between your needs and desires and those of other people. This is where your values and inherent strengths come into play.
Your values aren't just about you, but how you need to treat others to feel good about who you are and how you live your life. So, if you're honoring those values, you're also honoring other people.
Additionally, part of how you best connect with other people is through your inherent strengths and gifts. Everyone has unique gifts, talents, and strengths — and they're meant to be used. When you use your gifts, you're using them for your benefit and the benefit of others.
3. You believe success equates to long hours
Although success does require hard work, that's not necessarily the same thing as working long hours all or most of the time. Hard work is about challenging yourself and learning to push your internal guardrails so that you learn new things (despite any fears).
It's more about your mentality and effort than the hours you put in. Research from Stanford University shows that productivity per hour declines sharply after 50 hours of work per week, and employees working 70 hours get the same amount done as those working 55 hours.
Does success sometimes require long hours? Of course. But you won't be successful if you always work because that leads to burnout. Success requires rest and renewal just as much as it requires hard work.
And just because you work hard doesn't mean that you'll always succeed. Life doesn't work that way. It's time to redefine success for yourself based on the effort you put in, as opposed to being solely results-oriented. Besides, success should be thought of throughout the entirety of your life. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
4. You believe you can do anything through willpower
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Although willpower can be a powerful way to take action, it's not something that works over the long haul. Research shows that willpower depletes with use. This is why you can use your willpower at the beginning of a new year to get up earlier and go to the gym, yet give up in week 4. Unfortunately, too much reliance on willpower eventually leads to failure, guilt, and negative thoughts such as:
- "Why am I such a failure?"
- "I could do this before, what's wrong with me that I can't push through and get it done now?"
Instead of relying on willpower, it's better to be clear about what you want and why you want it (to help motivate you) and create conditions within your environment and through rituals or routines that help create commitment and make it easier to succeed.
Perfectionism is associated with higher levels of anxiety and depression, while procrastination leads to decreased productivity, and together they create a vicious cycle of self-criticism and burnout. True productivity, research argues, is about making strategic choices and recognizing when your pursuit of perfect output is actually preventing you from producing anything at all.
5. You believe productivity is just about 'pushing through'
Is time management important? Sure. Yet it's not as important as you believe. And do you need to push through no matter what? Not. Your productivity levels are determined primarily by your choices and your ability to prioritize. Do you say "yes" to too much and are therefore stressed out and overwhelmed? That's going to have a BIG negative impact on your productivity.
Are you procrastinating doing something or trying to be a perfectionist? Again, you won't be very productive if you keep putting stuff off or trying to be perfect (because that will never happen). This leads to a life of emergencies, which is unsustainable.
Do you prioritize what's truly important or find yourself hopping from one "little" thing to another? If you find yourself feeling exhausted at the end of the day yet wondering why you got nothing done, then this is you. To be most productive, you need to:
- Prioritize rest and renewal (and get healthy breaks throughout the day);
- Understand what's truly important and then do the most important work (while putting everything else off, delegating it, or dropping it entirely); and
- Not get caught up in perfectionism or procrastination.
Now that you know what it means to live without guilt, how do you do that? How do you stop self-doubt and fear from getting in the way? Learning how to be happy and living without guilt takes 4 steps.
Heather Moulder is an executive career and life coach, attorney, speaker, and founder of Course Correction Coaching.
