The Art Of Being Hopeful: 18 Habits Of Naturally Hopeful People
Hope is very different from blind optimism.
filadendron | Canva So, you’re having a bad day. Or maybe a crappy week. Or maybe experiencing a series of days upon days of a funky blue feeling you just can’t shake. And you’re tired of not being able to feel better about yourself, so tired of your heart hurting and general malaise. So tired of that sense of ennui and melancholy hanging around you.
Just like nature has different seasons, we humans go through a myriad of seasons and stages in our lives. When a series of bad days bleeds into what feels like more than a rough patch, reminding myself that it’s simply a challenging season also reminds me that better days are coming.
I wish I could tell you that I have a magic wand to wave or a special way of standing on one leg while chanting positive mantras that instantly took the pain away. My darling, there’s nothing that fixes it all. Yet, there are ways to feel better about yourself and more hopeful about the world, in general, when you're having a tough time. Tricks that help you lessen the pressure on your heart and ease your soul in small, yet tenderly hopeful ways.
Here are 18 habits of naturally hopeful people:
1. They are honest with themselves
You can keep trying to pretend you’re doing just fine, but pretending doesn't always work. Sure, faking it until you make it might help a little, but it also can feel like denial. Instead, just be honest with yourself: "I’m going through a rough patch." Awareness is your friend.
Optimists understand that unpleasant feelings are valid signals that something is wrong, a 2022 study concluded. Rather than dismissing them with empty platitudes, they accept these emotions, understand what is causing them, and use them as valuable information for addressing the situation.
2. They feel their feelings but don't wallow
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The only way forward is through, so you must allow yourself to feel your feelings. Allow yourself to feel sad and have a little cry. Be angry and throw an old plate against the concrete to move through your rage. Feel all the feelings, and then allow yourself to feel the next emotion, which is usually relief.
Feel it, move forward. Play this game as often as you need to. But don’t be an emotional cutter. Don’t purposely wallow in it and focus only on the challenging parts. Let the raw emotion go through you and burn away the pain. Then, move on, darling.
3. They allow themselves to be comforted
The folks that love us? They want us to be happy. Maybe no one can fix a challenging season, but do allow others to comfort you. Allow long hugs. Let your friend take you to lunch. Go for a weekend away with your partner.
Allowing yourself to feel comforted by others reminds you that no matter what you’ve experienced, there are good things in your world. When these people accept comfort from others, they are not only experiencing a reprieve but also strengthening their social support system. When they seek comfort, research shows that they are not blocking out the struggles but taking in difficult perspectives with compassion before focusing on an actionable plan.
4. They don’t allow their inner bully to surface
One of the biggest obstacles to getting through the other side of a challenging season is the way in which we speak to ourselves. Oh, that Inner Bully who says "snap out of it," or "you should feel better," or "you have nothing to be sad about", or "get over it already" makes us feel even worse.
Because, yes, I have a wonderful life with so many blessings, I should get over a bad day or a rough week because, yes, there are those out there suffering more than I am. But that doesn't make my feelings invalid. So, silence that inner critic of yours. Remind yourself that your feelings — all of your feelings — are valid.
5. They move their bodies
Sometimes, the mere act of moving your body allows your mind to clear out what’s making you feel blue. Take a walk. Rake some leaves. Mop the floor. Physical activity pushes good-feeling endorphins through your body. It helps, even when lacing up your shoes seems like more effort than sitting on the couch.
Codependent individuals typically sacrifice their own needs to take care of someone else, becoming so focused on the family member who is ill or addicted that their own physical and emotional health deteriorates. Research has found that physical exercise not only directly enhances subjective well-being but also indirectly affects life satisfaction by improving self-efficacy and emotional regulation abilities.
6. They get out of their own heads
The stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what a crappy day means keep us stuck inside that story. Sometimes the best solution to the swirling thoughts is to escape them.
Choose, instead, to get lost in the stories of others: movies, books, or television series. Curling up on the couch with a trashy romance novel or settling in for a Netflix Marathon is just the right prescription for the day. You can’t escape your life forever, but you can escape a crappy day for an hour or two.
7. They make something
There’s a reason why art therapy works: it allows you to use your body and brain together to create something. Make a cake. Make a video or a quick Instagram Story. Write a story or a poem. Color in one of those adult coloring books (or a kid's one). Making things with your hand and heart and soul and mind will heal you.
Studies show that art therapy reduces depression and enhances emotional articulation, while improving resilience, self-esteem, and overall mental health. The act of creation reminds you that you have the power to make something beautiful, whole, and entirely your own.
8. They try positive daydreaming
When you imagine that wonderful things are happening in your life — from meeting a soulmate to driving a new car to lying on your favorite beach — your brain makes a chemical cocktail in response to the feelings those daydreams create.
Just like a gratitude practice creates new neural pathways in your brain, positive daydreaming also fires and wires new synaptic connections. Win. Win.
9. They prioritize self-care
Feeling rotten on the inside? Then, darling, pretty up the outside. Go to the salon for a haircut or just a blowout. Get your nails done. Buy a new lipstick or allow the make-up counter lady to give you a makeover.
Not only are you allowing yourself to be cared for by someone else, but you’re also boosting how you feel. Studies show that those who put on lipstick before a test scored better.
10. They treat themselves with tenderness
Maybe you just need a little tenderness. Spend the day, an hour, or even five minutes treating yourself like you are a china doll that just might break without gentleness. Take a longer shower and lovingly tend your body.
Spend an inordinate amount of time applying your makeup. Leisurely have breakfast at the table instead of eating in the car on the way to work. Notice the key words here: tenderness, gentleness, and tending.
11. They take themselves to lunch
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Speaking of eating breakfast at the table instead of on the way to work, when’s the last time you went to lunch? As in: go to a restaurant where you can order from a menu, have a waiter bring you a nice meal while regularly refilling your water glass, and sit and breathe.
You can use this time to read a book or people-watch. No fast food, no drive-thru lunch as you rush through errands, and no sad desk lunches. You, at a table, in a favorite place to eat. A way to be around people without having to be social. This is one of my go-tos for a challenging season: a weekly lunch date with me, myself, and I!
12. They partake in retail therapy ... in moderation
I would never suggest that you spend money you don’t have or fill your home with things you don’t need, but sometimes, you just need a little retail therapy. Choose a talisman to represent your survival of this rough patch — a new purse, some lingerie, a pair of sunglasses, or a charm for your bracelet.
Indulge yourself with that book you’ve been wanting to read — in hardcover. Buy the pretty candle. Just do it mindfully, just like the eating thing. Research stresses that the goal is to ensure those pleasures are serving your wellbeing, not masking deeper pain.
13. They unplug and put the phone down
Do you ever find yourself in a funky mood after scrolling through your social media feed? If so, a tech detox might be just the thing to cure what ails you.
That nagging sense of negativity often comes out when we’re playing the comparison game — and we can all fall prey when our social media feeds are bombarding us with beautiful people going to fabulous places wearing ridiculously good outfits. Disconnect, put away your phone, and go do something that feeds your soul.
14. They play
I remember my granny sending us kids outside to play. It always made me feel better. When was the last time you played? Jump some rope. Play a board game. Go to the movies in the middle of the week. Do something fun and joyful.
Going through a rough patch doesn't mean you have to burrow into those feelings of seriousness and somberness all the time. Play helps you reconnect with your own inner light.
Research recognizes play as a means to relieve stress and protect well-being, and emerging adults who experience pleasure, enjoyment, learning, and the acquisition of new skills benefit significantly from play. Play reminds you that joy is not contingent on another person's approval or mood.
15. They spread joy
While you’re out and about, choose to connect with others. I know, it’s the last thing you feel like doing when you’re experiencing a rough day, let alone a challenging season. But trust me, it helps.
All those things you want to experience? Happiness, kindness, tenderness, and gentleness? Be that person when you go out in the world. Smile at the stranger at Starbucks. Banter with the cashier. Listen to the lady behind you at the post office, really listen, and allow her to know she is seen.
This is such a simple act, yet it’s probably the number one quickest way to get out of a funk. Get outside yourself and focus your attention on others.
16. They share with a trusted friend
Sometimes, you have to say things out loud to figure out how you’re really feeling. Or what might be triggering you to feel out of sorts. And sure, you can talk to yourself, but that’s not the same as being heard by someone who can be a good listener, be empathetic, and can help you identify what’s happening inside your head.
Usually, that helps me shift what’s happening to a more positive light or simply acts as medicine for my soul. Take ‘em out and do this over lunch or coffee, or happy hour.
A few notes about this choice: Don’t choose someone who doesn't listen well. Don’t choose that person who always turns every conversation back to them. Don’t choose that person who will remind you how “lucky and blessed” you are. And don’t over-abuse the person’s ability to listen (a.k.a tell the same person the same sad story over and over again).
It works best with someone who can be there for you today — and then you can be there for them when they’re having a crappy week.
17. They hire a life coach or therapist
But what if you don’t have that trusted friend available for coffee or lunch? What if you need a bit of help pulling yourself out of a funk?
Hire a life coach to work with to help you create a plan. Find a therapist to help you through this rough patch. There's a reason why talking about our challenges works.
18. They write it out
Kind of like the trusted friend solution above, writing down your feelings in a journal can help you process what’s really going on. Complete honesty is a must here, so go ahead and purge your feelings onto the page, even if they seem stupid or irrational. Something about the process of words on paper often dovetails with solutions presenting themselves on paper.
Writing things out in an emotional way also allows you to distance yourself from the emotion and see your way to logic. That’s good heart medicine, marrying your heart and brain.
While you have pen and paper out, you can also better own your story by choosing to rewrite it. Research shows that it helps you to find a deeper sense of happiness. Remember: you are human. Not superhuman. Not a robot. A flesh and blood human.
And that means that inevitably, you will experience challenging seasons. But that doesn't mean you can’t find ways to ease your suffering. Each season of our life adds to the rich fabric of our human experience.
We get to decide what we’re going to make that mean, and the best way I know to not just survive this season, but find ways of thriving in the future, means that you’ll have to care for yourself in lots of deep ways.
Just as spring follows winter, remind yourself that better days are coming. Even when a season is more challenging than beautiful, that doesn't mean you can’t get through it with tenderness and grace.
Debra Smouse is a life coach and author whose work has been published in TIME, Huffington Post, MSN, Psychology Today, and more.
