If You’re Having These 4 Fights With Your Partner, It’s Probably Not About The Dishes
pixelshot | Canva Every couple argues, even if they say they don’t. Partners are together all the time, and some even live together. That is more than likely going to cause some tension and cause some disagreements. The things couples fight about often vary; however, there are a few common fights most couples can say they have had at least once — and it's not about the dishes.
Research from the Gottman Institute found that 69% of relationship conflicts are what are called "perpetual problems," meaning they keep resurfacing because they are rooted in deeper unmet needs that never really go away. So when you and your partner are going at it about the dishes for the third time this week, it is worth asking what the dishes are actually standing in for.
If you’re having these 4 fights with your partner, it’s usually not about the dishes:
1. Where to eat
This is one of, if not the most, common fights couples have. It can sometimes be a pretty regular argument if both parties have difficulty making a decision. Then there is the issue of not liking what the other person wants, which ultimately leads to more fighting.
One way to prevent this fight from recurring is to have a safe place. This is a place that you both like and you both agree on, so that in times of distress, you know where you are going. This way, if neither of you can pick any other place, you agree on you know you at least have that one place as a backup plan.
That nightly back-and-forth of "I don't know, where do you want to go?" is not just an annoyance. It's actually decision fatigue in action, which research says is where your brain's capacity for making choices wears down after a full day of mental load, and by the time dinner rolls around, even a simple question about food can turn into a full-blown argument.
2. Finances
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As time passes in the relationship, many couples tend to share the financial costs that come with deepening relationships. Nowadays, it’s hard to survive on one income only, but even if you don’t live together, here are a few suggestions to help ease the stress you might face.
It’s extremely helpful to set a monthly budget and keep within that goal. Another way is to create a financial planner or notebook. It keeps track of your wants (like bucket list wishes or things you want to reward yourself with), bills, and other related money things. It allows you to spend time together and organize your costs at the same time. Other ideas are to alternate who pays or set a date/gift budget.
Marriage and family therapist Lianne Avila explains that money fights are rarely just about money. They're about trust, priorities, and whether both partners feel like they're actually on the same team, which is why getting ahead of it with an honest conversation about your financial goals can save a lot of headaches down the road.
3. Spending time together
It’s no secret that work, family, school, and other matters can take up someone’s time. In this day and age, a lot of individuals are more work-focused than other generations. The rising costs of living only add to the drive to achieve a steady income. At the end of the day, it can be difficult to give your partner attention, as much as you desire to — sometimes exhaustion takes over.
Here and there, we forget about the little things when we’re so focused on the big pictures in our lives. It’s always good to communicate honestly, as best as possible, when you’re apart, even if it’s small. Simple text messages, tiny gifts (like their favorite candy), or little notes your partner can find can show you’re thinking of them. Slip in a short video call, go old school and write letters to one another, or squeeze in a meal together.
Make sure to treasure those little moments, the good morning kisses, the coffee shop stop, or nighttime cuddles. Relationships require teamwork, even if you’re doing your own things work as best as you can together in your own ways to keep that foundation strong.
Couples who make a point of spending meaningful time together do not just feel closer, they actually handle conflict better, too, because that shared foundation builds the kind of empathy that keeps small disagreements from snowballing into something bigger, research has found. The good news is that it is not about carving out hours at a time because even small, intentional moments go a long way.
4. Chores
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A lot of couples try to split the housework. However, sometimes we overlook things, have no knowledge of how to do them, or just hate doing that one chore. The famous saying is “You don’t really know someone till you live with them.” Which, in the case of chores, can be especially true.
Whether you’re just having sleepovers, starting a new life together, or have been living together for a while, the best tip is to sit down and discuss the chores. Be open about what chores need to be done, what ones you like, and what chores you’re actually good at. Make a list, read them over, and find a way to bring together a team effort in maintaining your home in your own ways.
Couples therapist Frances Patton points out that the chore argument is rarely really about the chores themselves, and that what most partners actually want in that moment is to feel like the other person sees them, cares about them, and is willing to show up for them. There are a lot of things couples deal with and a lot of things they don’t. Our personalities, background, and other things totally play a factor in who we are today. Especially in who we are in a relationship.
At the end of the day, communication is always key, though. It seems easy, but it can really get lost in between the busy schedules and other matters. An open line of discussion can definitely save trouble in the long run and make moving forward together a lot smoother. Hopefully, these tips can save you time and allow you to focus on other important issues!
Unwritten publishes content on relationships, love, mental health, wellness, and more.
