If You Lied And Now He Doesn’t Trust You, Here Are 5 Ways To Undo The Damage
Just Life | Shutterstock You didn't mean to, but you lied to the person you love the most. Maybe it was about how much you spent on a new outfit, where you went instead of working late at the office, or the fact that you've been in contact with your ex. Either way, you lied, and it's eating you up inside. So you want to follow what researchers have advised and repair the relationship with honesty.
He may have found out you lied on his own, or you couldn't take the guilt and confessed. This is truly a frustrating and confusing place to be. Feelings like embarrassment, shame, anger, resentment, justification, and defensiveness have you all stirred up inside. If you've lied to him in the past, you probably feel even worse. You need to undo the damage so you don't destroy your relationship, and he can learn to trust you again.
If you lied and now he doesn’t trust you, here are 5 ways to undo the damage:
1. Take responsibility for yourself
After you've been caught in a lie, you need to make things right again so the two of you can get back to loving and feeling connected. But it seems no matter how much you attempt to be completely honest, your partner can't get over the past, and he's having a hard time forgiving you.
While you can't make him release the past or forgive you for what happened, you absolutely can take responsibility for yourself. It's time to focus your attention on becoming trustworthy again, not only to him but also to yourself.
A study has helped explain how the string of decisions that led to your lying probably eroded your own sense of self-trust. It doesn't matter whether you had an affair and lied to cover it up, or you told lies about something more or less serious. You did the deed, and to rebuild that sense of trust and connection both with him and within yourself, you have to make some changes.
2. Learn to trust yourself again
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You almost must learn to trust yourself again, which is for your benefit and also for the possibility of improving your relationship. When you don't believe in yourself, it shows. Your body language will tell the world you don't see yourself as trustworthy, and research has found that judging trustworthiness is a core human trait developed in infancy.
If you don't trust yourself, why would anyone else? Even if you've done nothing wrong and you are being completely honest now, as you continue to hold onto the image of yourself as someone who can't be trusted, your body language will communicate this despite the truth. As you begin to forgive yourself and heal, your body language sends a different message.
3. Become totally transparent
While you do this important inner work to trust yourself again, you have to be completely transparent and open with your partner. Make it a point to regularly share what you've been doing and who you've been with. Do this with the intention to rebuild trust and establish a sense of openness, rather than from an attitude that you have to do it.
Stay tuned in to yourself and to what you want and need in your relationship. Your desire to restore trust and move toward the relationship you want is valid, no matter what you did in the past. Sometimes lying in a relationship occurs because one or both people are not clearly communicating their needs. Get in touch with what you need from your relationship and constantly share that with him, and have him do the same.
4. Follow through on your commitments
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You must follow through on the agreements you make with your partner, especially at this time. As you restore trust, make a commitment to yourself and to him, and keep it. Do whatever you can to keep your word.
Sometimes in a relationship, people agree to things they are not 100% sure they want to follow through with. At the time, it seems easier to say yes and move on, but research has shown it won't help you rebuild trust. Instead, only make agreements you believe you can keep. If you find you're unable to keep your word for whatever reason, it's imperative that you immediately communicate what's going on and talk about how you can fix the problem.
5. Notice your own improvements and give yourself some credit
Don't wait for him to verbally commend you on the improvements you've made. Celebrate yourself by noting the things you are doing right. Notice and applaud your own strides as you make them, one decision at a time. As you do this, allow him some time to heal and forgive you at his own pace.
Even though you think you might be doing a great job, it'll probably take some time to earn his trust back. Healthy communication is essential when rebuilding trust after lying.
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect, and create the relationship they desire.
