Kristina Marchant is a writer and author with a BA in psychology from Barnard College at Columbia University. She is also a relationship coach who advises women on men and healthy relationship skills.
Photo: darinjoo / Shutterstock
Giving men power over your life's happiness is not attractive.
By Kristina Marchant — Written on Oct 13, 2021
If you think that being irresistible to men is acting like "Perfect Patty" (laughing all the time, hiding all your negative feelings, having a perfect body, cooking perfect meals, and being "Suzy Homemaker" in your free time), you are asking your man to fall in love with an illusion and not with the real you.
Men want women who accept themselves, know their worth and embrace their flaws with grace and kindness.
When you are not afraid to be imperfect, are willing to expose all of your glorious flaws to a man, and know how to empower yourself as a woman, you will end up with a much better relationship.
You will end up with a man who truly loves and adores the real you, even when you are in curlers, without makeup and wearing a mini skirt after lunch.
Now, I don't mean that you shouldn't be a mindful lover and partner.
What does this mean, exactly? It means that you shouldn't use the excuse of self-acceptance to be a jerk in your relationship. You shouldn't assume, "Well, this is me and he has to accept me as I am!"
You should always be aware of how you act in the relationship and always be a considerate and compassionate partner. Don't be a diva and throw your weight around and think that a quality man who isn't a doormat is going to stick around.
However, don't try to fool him either, making him think you are a saint and a trophy wife. Understanding how to empower yourself as a woman and be attractive isn't about hiding your ugly feelings and competing for "best perma-smile!"
An attractive woman is one who owns her Female Fire. Female Fire is your true feminine essence, your passion for life, your confidence to be yourself, your wild and carefree spirit.
Your fire is your sassiness and your boldness; it gives you the freedom to speak your mind and makes you strong enough to share your vulnerability and insecurities with any man.
Your Female Fire is what gives you permission to feel highly sexual and never ashamed or inhibited about your sexuality and/or your body. It's empowerment.
How do you find your Female Fire? You must stop the kind of thought patterns that will leave you emotionally drained and fearful of love, and you must start listening to your heart and passions. You must feel empowered.
You know that anxious feeling you get when you feel powerless to negativity and you can't stop marinating in it? That hard-to-control feeling will eat at your mental health and bog you down. It will eventually dwindle your Fire and turn you into a "shadow of your best self" — and no man wants a shadow creeping up on him.
When you are feeling upset because of a man's behavior in a relationship, it's easy to call your girlfriends and harp on and on about the dismal state of your love life. It's a temporary relief to complain and complain about him to anyone who will listen.
But doing this sets you off on a path of self-defeat. It's really hard to get off the phone after complaining for an hour and go do something productive and uplifting.
It’s like when you stop working out and don’t eat well. You feel lethargic and moody, which leaves you without the will to exercise further.
A vicious cycle starts up, and soon, you feel awful, disappointed in yourself, hard on yourself, and depressed about your life. The same thing can happen in your relationships with men.
If you allow a relationship to bring you down and make you feel bad, you will end up feeling like a bad version of yourself in that relationship. Your female fire is your best self, and to feel it you have to stay positive, empowered, and proactive.
You can still feel all your feelings (negative and really dark), but you can't allow those feelings to make choices for you. You can't let drama and heartache rule your days and make you focus on the "he-said-she-said" instead of on things that make you happy and make you feel good.
When you take your focus off the drama and pain of love and put all that energy into your hobbies, the aspects of your job that you love, your family, or your favorite sport, you start feeding the fire and the fire, in turn, feeds your ability to have a great relationship.
It's a shift that happens inside of you; a choice you make in a moment to stop allowing negativity to be absorbed into your bloodstream.
Your fire, when blazing fierce, gives you the spunk and drive to tell a man what you feel, what you need, and how much you love him.
It gives you the ability to drop your insecurities and laugh. It gives you the chance to take a sticky situation in which your man seems disenchanted with you and turn it into an opportunity to show him how well you can not let his issues with the relationship suck you dry of tears and love.
So, next time your man says something or does something that makes you feel angry, insecure, or sad, feel those feelings and express them to him, but then, find a way to take care of yourself and keep your fire blazing.
Go do something that makes you happy or that shows him that you are too fierce to just wait around with a frown. Giving men power over your life's happiness is not attractive and makes men feel burdened.
When you can express yourself and then move onto something uplifting, without spiraling into a cycle of drama and anxiety, you are sending him a very clear message without ever having to say it directly: "Buddy, if you want this Fire blazing through your life, get with the program or get out of my blessed way!"
More for You: