8 Ways Facebook Can Destroy Your Marriage

You've seen the headlines: "One third of UK divorces reference Facebook." While we have some concerns about that statistic (see our popular article "Debunking the One-in-Five Divorces Due to Facebook Stat"), many marriages are indeed vulnerable because of what one or both spouses are doing on Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg's Marriage: Destined For Glory Or Doom?

Many people dismiss the "Facebook threat" with trite statements like, "what happens on Facebook should stay on Facebook," "if people want to cheat, they'll find a way to cheat," or our favorite, "marriages hurt by Facebook had relationship problems to begin with." We've observed and studied the phenomenon of how relationships are impacted by people's online habits for the last four years. Yet, there is something different about Facebook, and a lot of people are clueless that their own marriage is in jeopardy.

In a recent Wall Street Journal article, we were quoted saying:

Affairs happen with a lightning speed on Facebook ... In the real world, office romances and out-of-town trysts can take months or even years to develop. On Facebook, they happen in just a few clicks. The social network [Facebook] is different from most social networks or dating sites in that it both re-connects old flames and allows people to 'friend' someone they may only met once in passing. It puts temptation in the path of people who would never in a million years risk having an affair.

People feel bolder behind a screen than in person; most think there is a disconnect between their online activities and their real world life. People type and press 'Send' faster than common sense can kick in, rather than rationally thinking about what they're doing. All of this is a recipe for disaster, and it happens at quantum speed on Facebook. 5 Ways Facebook Can Help Mark Zuckerberg Keep His Marriage Strong

Based on all our work in this field, here are the top eight ways Facebooking spouses wreck their marriages:

1. Traipsing down memory lane with an ex-flame. Finding an old crush, hook-up, or boyfriend/girlfriend on Facebook is really easy. Reaching out to a past love interest and reminiscing about the "good 'ol times" recalls the feelings for one or both of the people. The longer the jaunt down memory lane, the better the chances are that an emotional or physical affair will occur.

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2. Letting Facebook dominate every waking moment of the day. The smart phone allows people to be a few thumb clicks away from Facebook, and access their News Feed anyplace, anytime. This in turn can feed an addictive personality, and create a co-dependency with the site. Comparing the new and exciting information people are posting online, with the drab and boring events from one's own real-time existence can create all kinds of problems. 10 Simple Ways To Tell Your Marriage Is Over For Good

3. Airing dirty laundry via status updates. The "What's on your mind" question in the Status Update box is there as a suggestion, not a command. Relationships have good times and bad times. Using Facebook to announce marriage problems, debate marital issues, or rant on a spouse is only going to make a conflicted relationship more "complicated".

4. Over-sharing on relationship problems with others through chat. Divulging marital issues through a private, real time interaction with someone other than your spouse creates intimacy with that person. Depending on the motives of one or both people in the chat session, the conversation can quickly evolve from sharing about a current, bad marriage to setting a foundation for starting a new relationship.

5. Caring for online citizens in Cityville or virtual animals in Farmville more than real-time family and spouse. Playing games on Facebook is wildly popular. The excitement of the online game, the notification of new resources to help advance in the game, and the exchange of items for the game can leave real-time families and spouses craving real care and attention.

6. Flirting on public posts, pictures and profiles. Commenting is a part of the Facebook culture. Watching what you post (and how it comes across to others) is part of online etiquette; it's essential to ensure that comments are not inappropriate. Flirting with no one but your spouse is a part of fulfilling the wedding vows, yet is often conveniently forgotten while using Facebook. 8 Ways To Tell If You Are Really Ready For Marriage

7. Friending people who directly or indirectly threaten the marriage. The Facebook login page says "Facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life." Depending on who the people in your past and current life are, this could be a good thing or a bad thing. If the person you've just friended has a negative effect on your marriage, it can lead to irreparable damage to your relationship. These people include, but are not limited to: exes, negative influences, flirts, wacky family members, and crude friends. 

8. Refusing to talk about what happens on Facebook with your spouse. Facebook is no longer a topic for "water cooler" discussions because it is the water cooler. If it is something everyone is talking about, and it is where people spend a considerable amount of time each day, why shut your spouse out of this part of your life? Taking Facebook off the table for discussion indicates that there could be something that someone is hiding. Stonewalling on Facebook (or any other issue) is fatal for a marriage.

Facebook is not going away. It has become a primary means of daily communication for people, and is a vital part of our daily lives. Therefore, Facebook needs to be a regular discussion item for couples. In addition to friending exes and sharing passwords, other topics to incorporate into the conversation include personal guard rails, online boundaries for your relationship, and accountability. (If you need help on this, an entire section in our book, Facebook and Your Marriage walks couples through talking through these issues.)

Whatever it takes, don't let what happens on Facebook ruin your marriage. 10 Ways To Make Your Fairy Tale Dream Come True