A Woman Shares A Birthday With Her Fiancé's Late Sister But Wants Him To Stop Celebrating His Sibling—'I'm Actually Here'
She wants her birthday all to herself, and people are calling her “selfish.”
cottonbro studio / Pexels For many, remembering those we’ve lost is an important part of the grieving process. People have different ways of remembering loved ones. It can be beautiful to keep their memory alive, whether in a simple way or more grand. Rarely is it criticized when someone does. But one woman had qualms with her fiancé’s holding a vigil for his sister.
A woman took to Reddit’s “r/AmItheA--hole” (AITA), a subreddit dedicated to people asking others if they acted appropriately in a situation. There, she shared that she and her fiancé are going through a rough patch spurred on by her reaction to his sister's birthday.
She shares a birthday with his late sister and doesn’t want him to celebrate it anymore.
She explained in her post that her 39-year-old fiancé, Dave, who she’s been seeing for three years, has a sister he lost around 10 years ago. He’s an excellent cake baker, not professionally, but he enjoys making detailed cakes.
“Coincidentally, me and his sister have the same birthday,” she wrote.
So, he makes an “extravagant cake” for his sister every year and sings happy birthday to her. However, she would rather he do it on another day because her “family always made a big deal of birthdays,” so she wants her own day.
Recently, she asked her fiancé if he could celebrate his sister’s birthday on another day. Unsurprisingly, he denied her request and asserted he will do the same thing he does every year.
“I said I get that, but this is my birthday and I’m actually here right now, and how many more years he’s going to continue doing this,” she wrote.
Her fiancé got angry and told her that she was being “disrespectful.” Then, she got upset and felt he was not being far from her.
"Me and Dave agree on and get along well usually and this just feels like a bit of a stupid thing to get upset about, but now it's blown up," she concludes the piece.
She's not in the wrong for wanting to feel special on her birthday but loving someone who has experienced losing a sibling — or any loved one for that matter — can mean you have to put selfish feelings aside from time to time, especially on a day that is likely filled with many intense emotions.
There are many ways to process grief and what Dave is doing is a fantastically healthy one that deserves to be honored.. Pamela Aloia, a grief coach, told YourTango in January 2023 four ways to help people remain close to a loved one after passing. She recommends “talk about them” and “talk to them.”
“Even though they aren’t here physically, our words can strengthen the bond we already have or even create a new bond that wasn’t quite achieved while they were here on Earth,” she wrote.
In addition to that, having a “quilt or blanket made from their clothes” and “continu[ing] family traditions or creat[ing] new ones in their honor” are two more great ways to keep their memory alive.
Dave is clearly finding a way to honor his sister and keep her memory alive through his birthday tribute for her and his girlfriend should feel grateful to be a part of that moment too.
Ethan Cotler is a writer living in Boston. His writing covers entertainment, news and human interest stories.