Photo: Leah Kelley / Pexels
He has attacked another inmate.
By NyRee Ausler — Written on Jan 06, 2023
Coparenting with an ex-partner is an especially difficult task to uphold — there's a whole world of factors that play into the dynamics.
When things are especially volatile, the question of what to do when you hate the person you’re co-parenting with is common.
One woman shared her unimaginable co-parenting situation with her ex who's in jail.
One woman took to the subreddit, "r/coparenting," to share an extremely difficult situation she is going through with her child’s father.
The 32-year-old explains that she and her former partner, a 31-year-old man, share a four-year-old and a two-year-old together.
According to her, the man has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has been hospitalized involuntarily for extended periods of time on multiple occasions in recent years due to the condition.
She states that he is “very unwell and very high-conflict,” even becoming emotionally abusive during their relationship.
Because of this, she left him 1.5 years ago and has full custody of their kids.
The Redditor shares 'I wanted them to have a relationship with their dad as long as he is healthy enough.'
“I had been allowing him to have the girls twice a week with supervision from his mother at her residence, where my ex also resided.”
She goes on to tell readers that due to his constant harassment and refusal to cooperate or be “civil,” the co-parenting relationship has become strained at best.
The former couple has enlisted the help of mediators and attorneys to keep their interactions respectful.
His illness and behavior have taken a turn for the worse.
The woman says, “His illness has gotten progressively worse since we separated.”
She asserts that despite his behavior, up until now, his criminal record has been spotless.
But recently, he pushed his elderly mother to the hardwood floor during a heated argument, causing injuries to her head and face.
He was subsequently arrested and charged with domestic violence and an unrelated allegation that he was stalking and “threatening to kill” an estranged friend.
The out-of-control man has been sitting in jail for a month while he awaits trial.
In the meantime, the woman filed a restraining order, as he had threatened her life as well, and it was granted.
She adds that she heard through the grapevine that her children’s father had stopped taking the medication necessary to regulate his behavior and physically assaulted another inmate in jail.
In her daughter’s eyes, their father is still a hero.
Her four-year-old daughter was extremely close with her dad, while the younger sibling has little to no memories of him.
Despite all of the drama the couple had endured, the eldest child still loves and reveres her father, while the mother has done her best to maintain the “hero” image her daughter sees.
“I have never spoken ill of him to her, and my goal is always to lead from a place of kindness in anything I discuss with her,” she offers.
The little girl is aware that her father suffers from mental illness but has not been told of his incarceration — her mother is certain that she's grieving the absence of her father.
In spite of her young age, the child understands why her visits with her daughter had previously been limited.
She told her mother about explosive fights between him and his mother while the daughters were present.
Despite the man's flaws, her daughter's love for him remains unconditional.
Her mom shares, “I gave her a photo album of pictures of them together for her to look at. She makes drawings for him to put on the fridge.”
But apparently, he won’t spend much time in jail since it’s his first offense and he is only charged with misdemeanors.
Now she is turning to other people for advice on how to handle the daddy-daughter relationship once the man is released and free again.
She asks questions like when and where visitation should take place, if at all.
She also asks for resources and insights from anyone with experience or knowledge in a similar situation.
One commenter was very supportive posting, “This is a tough situation and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My ex spent some time in jail, although thankfully not for anything as awful as you described, so I know a little about what you’re dealing with.”
She offered a solution, “For now, you could arrange video visits with her dad in jail. It sucks, but it was better for my eldest than not seeing him at all (they are very close).”
But in the end, the helpful reader told the concerned mom it is unsafe to allow in-person visits until the man shows that he is mentally stable, and even then, supervised visits should continue.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and author of seven books. She covers lifestyle and entertainment and news, as well as navigating the workplace and social issues.