You Can Tell Someone Has High Relationship IQ By How They Handle These 3 Small Moments
Samuel Yongbo Kwon | Unsplash Every single one of us has relationships in our lives: romantic partners, friends, family, and colleagues. Humans were created for relationships. And those relationships, whether healthy or unhealthy, hold great significance in our lives.
The benefits of having a healthy relationship include: trust, security, honoring and respecting your partner, a stronger friendship, staying out of a rut, and deeper levels of emotional, romantic, physical, and spiritual intimacy. There is also improved healthy communication, a better understanding of your differences, a safer way of handling conflict, increased cooperation, dreaming about your future together, building a team attitude in your relationship, and so much more.
Healthy and positive relationships are possible, but they require a lot of work and investment — they don’t just happen. Feeling understood and supported by a partner is a big part of having high relationship IQ, and studies have shown that when people are more caring, it creates a cycle where both partners support each other more. Caring improves relationship quality for both people.
You can tell someone has a high relationship IQ by how they handle these three small moments:
1. Are they willing to be fully known?
This is a pivotal first step in developing a healthy relationship. Be willing to open up and let that person into your life, to really know you. Share your dreams, fears, goals, expectations, and things that tick you off.
Of course, for this to happen, you need to know yourself.:
- Do you know what your expectations and boundaries are in a relationship?
- Do you know your dreams, fears, goals, needs, and wants to know and feel you are loved and important to the person you love?
Couples need to communicate their expectations and boundaries. Research has shown that couples who regularly communicate and share their feelings tend to experience higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships.
It's always been easy for me to open up to others because I grew up in the same community until I left for college. I graduated from high school with friends I had known since first grade. I never moved once, so I had invested deeply in my relationships with friends. When my wife, Susan, and I started dating seriously, I recognized the big difference between us and how vulnerable she could be in a relationship.
You see, opening up was difficult for her. She grew up in a military family and attended 11 different schools by the time she graduated. She lived in one community for a short time before her dad moved to another military base, so she had little time to develop and nurture friendships. She was friendly to others, but did not allow others to really know her because she knew she would be moving soon, and it hurt too much to develop friendships and then quickly leave them.
So, she operated her life on a surface level to avoid emotional pain. Our differences related to "being known" created some difficulties that we had to address and work on, especially after we got engaged and early on in our marriage.
I wanted to get to know her on a deeper level, but she struggled with it. But once she was able to break that cycle and feel comfortable letting others know her, it opened up a whole new world for her — in both our marriage and friendships.
When your partner doesn't "know" you, it also creates a lot of frustration. In your mind, they should be able to figure out or "know" what you need and want.
When they don't meet these needs, you become angry and frustrated. But it's not their fault. You failed to let your partner know your desires, and you must be willing to be known in all facets of the relationship.
2. Do they actually try to understand their partner?
oneinchpunch via Shutterstock
For those of us who find it easy to "be known," this is usually a hard principle to apply. This means being willing to listen and allow your partner to be known by you.
To know others means listening without interrupting or giving your opinions when the other is opening up and sharing. Knowing others doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they tell you, but you must let them say it.
When my wife started sharing a dream with me, I found myself sometimes interrupting and saying, "Why would you ever think that?" or I would interrupt and finish her sentence for her, which resulted in shutting down communication. I was shutting down the very thing that I wanted from her: to be known.
You must allow them to share their dreams, goals, expectations, and other insights about who they are without judgment or opinions. Your job is simply to listen, understand, and communicate with positive body language.
Ask questions later when they have finished. You need to watch and listen to know others. By taking the time to listen without criticism, you are giving your partner the safety and freedom to express themselves. Once you practice this enough and learn to make it a regular part of your relationship, you will be amazed at the doors it opens.
3. Do they love their partner in the way their partner actually needs to be loved?
The first two principles don't mean much if you don't take action, and this third principle puts the bow on the package. Once your spouse or partner allows themselves to be known to you and you listen, it is time for action to prove that you care about what you know.
For example, if you discover that simple notes of affirmation mean a lot to them, leave a sticky note on the steering wheel that says, "I will miss you today, you drive me wild! Can’t wait to see you tonight!" That simple note just made a big investment in your relationship. It’s a big deal that you show you care about what you know.
This principle, in particular, became a huge part of my marriage. About five years ago, my wife shared with me how she had a goal to become a runner. I could have responded with "That’s bonkers; you are in your early 50s and now you want to become a runner?" But, I didn’t. Instead, I let her share her dream with me, and I listened instead of throwing a bucket of cold water on her goal.
Since I listened to her and took the time to know her, I wanted her to know that I cared. I didn’t have any idea if she would carry through with becoming a runner, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that she felt safe to tell me her goal, and my role was to support and encourage her because I cared. So, what did I do? I went shopping and bought her some cute running outfits to wear, and took her to buy her first pair of serious running shoes.
When she ran her first race, I made numerous signs and went along the race route and held those signs up to encourage her when she ran by me because I wanted her to know I cared. Those types of actions breathe health, life, and deep intimacy into your relationship.
By the way, she is still running and has completed numerous races, including a recent marathon where she ran past all of her competition. And yes, I was still on the sidelines of the race holding up my signs of encouragement and cheering.
Applying these three principles helps divorce-proof your marriage while also helping you enjoy an improved relationship. If you desire to develop a strong, healthy relationship, you must first open up vulnerably and let yourself be known by your partner. Research has found that vulnerability in a relationship helps promote closeness and is a fundamental component of a healthy relationship.
Then, listen to and understand your partner to know them. And finally, just simply prove through your actions that you care about what you've learned about them. What will you choose? Only you know.
Steve Tucker is a life coach, author, and speaker with over 31 years of experience who delivers messages of encouragement and hope to those wanting to move their relationships beyond today to where they want them to be.
