Psychologists Say This One Common Habit Predicts Divorce More Than Literally Anything Else
It's not cheating, money fights, or growing apart.
kevin turcios | Unsplash Do you ever roll your eyes at your partner or give them a little too much attitude while talking to them? While you may think it's no big deal or just part of your personality, contemptuous behavior can irreparably damage a marriage or relationship. In fact, renowned researcher and psychologist Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute says that contemptuous behavior, such as eye-rolling, sarcasm, and name-calling, is the number one predictor of divorce.
Dr. Gottman is famous for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, and has conducted 40 years of research with thousands of couples. Dr. Gottman and his team of researchers have determined the major signs of divorce, or as Gottman calls them, the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Psychologists say contempt predicts divorce more than literally everything else.
It's not what you say, but how you say it
The four horsemen that lead to divorce are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and the number one sign, contempt. "When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean. Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm are forms of contempt," writes Ellie Lisitsa on The Gottman Institute blog.
"So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It's virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you're disgusted with him or her."
Name-calling, snickering (when your partner says something), being sarcastic, eye-rolling, and dramatic sighs are all ways of letting your partner know (and not subtly) how little you think of them and what they're saying. You need to get off your high horse and realize you and your partner are equals. One is not superior to the other.
Remove the word 'whatever' from your vocabulary
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"Whatever" is what belligerent teens say, not grown adults. When you say "whatever," you're really saying that you're shutting them down and you're not going to listen to them. This says loud and clear that you don't care what they have to say, as it has no importance to you.
Everyone wants to be heard and understood. If someone isn't getting that basic need met by their significant other, they'll probably want out of the relationship pretty quickly.
Be careful with sarcasm
When you're being contemptuous of your loved one, you aren't treating them with love. You're bullying them and making them feel attacked and victimized, even if all you're doing is making fun of them. Sarcasm can not only be hurtful, but it can also make your partner feel embarrassed, unsafe, worthless, and unloved. So, unless your spouse is fluent in sarcasm, don't use it on your loved one.
"Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner, in the form of an attack from a position of relative superiority," says Lisitsa. "Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation."
Don't build up the animosity
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Dr. Gottman found that couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (colds, the flu, and so on) than other people. Lisitsa concludes, "Contempt is the most poisonous of all relationship killers — destroying psychological, emotional, and physical health."
If something is bothering you, don't internalize and wait for it to come out as a mean or negative comment. Address things as they come up and don't let them morph into huge issues.
Watch your body language
"Negative signals include looking away when they should be listening, crossing their arms, constantly fidgeting or tapping their foot, clearing their throat, or yawning," explained personal development coach Moira Hutchinson. "This may be a sign of distrust, anger, frustration, boredom, or a lack of self-confidence. Another example is if someone actively tries to create more space between themselves and you, it might signify a lack of interest."
If you're constantly telling your partner you don't care about them or their emotions through body language, you're chipping away at the foundation of your relationship. Be aware of how you're expressing yourself, and stop if you catch yourself doing an inconsiderate move.
Christine Schoenwald is a writer, performer, and frequent contributor to YourTango. She's had articles featured in The Los Angeles Times, Salon, Bustle, Medium, Huffington Post, Business Insider, and Woman's Day, among many others.
