5 Ways To Tell If Your Man Is For Real (Or A Total Fraud)

How to learn the hard way that there is no such thing as the perfect guy.

Man with flowers behind his back Vija Rindo Pratama | Canva 

What’s the equivalent of finding the perfect shoe, in the perfect color, in your size, on sale, for half the price? ... Meeting the perfect guy. When you finally meet a well-mannered, handsome, attentive man ... a man who makes you feel more than good ... a man who makes you feel alive ... he might just be "the perfect guy." He stands out from all other men. Everything he says and does is right. His every move centers on all the things you want and need. 


"Indescribable" best describes the powerful chemistry between the two of you. Each moment you spend with him makes you feel as if you’re experiencing heaven on earth. Making things even better is the irrefutable fact that you "KNOW," without a shadow of a doubt, that this man is totally and equally interested in you, too. Everything about this guy is absolutely "perfect" " but...Hold up! Wait a minute! Doesn’t your common sense tell you that anytime something seems "too good to be true," more than likely it is? 

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Just like in the movie The Perfect Guy, many women get so caught up with the veneer, the facade, that they fail to look beyond smoke and mirrors and look closely at the core. By the time they do, it’s too late. Does it cause you to lose sight of all reality when a guy seems to exemplify your version of Prince Charming? When he’s the right complexion and the right height? When he has Brad Pitt's smile, Morris Chestnut's legs, Boris Kodjoe’s head, and Idris Elba’s physique, do you lose sight of all the snapping red flags flapping in your face? Or is it perhaps that you’ve been waiting for Mr. Right for so long you’re just plain vulnerable?


Is he the perfect guy for you, or a problem waiting to blow up in your face?  Let’s start with this: There’s no such thing as the perfect mate ... but there is a such thing as the perfect man for you. First, be aware of this one simple fact — he’s not perfect. Now, before you get paranoid and lock yourself down and/or run off a good guy who you’re attracted to, let’s differentiate someone who validates your ego from someone who’s a great fit for you. My goal is to help you use your common sense and not abandon it just because Mr. Perfect meets everything on your checklist. 

Most women end up wasting days, weeks, months, and even years of their lives being stranded in burdensome, unfulfilling relationships because they overly projected their desires on the wrong man. This happens simply because he represented that woman’s version of what characteristics make up the perfect man. Anytime you, or any woman, hurriedly form an infatuation-based, love-sick, mental picture of someone, you are making two huge mistakes at once. One, you're giving someone a road map to your vulnerabilities. Two, being emotionally driven paralyzes your ability to spot obvious warning signs. Caution: Emptiness can make you blind to things that at any other time you’d spot a mile away. This is especially true for women who’ve been single for some time or those who’ve never been married, recently widowed, or in the process of divorce. Whatever the case, be it the aforementioned or just plain old loneliness, you don’t have to be susceptible to getting into a relationship with the wrong man for what looks like the right reasons. 

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Here are 5 ways to tell if your man is for real or a total fraud:

1. Are you projecting your desires on him?

This is the mistake most women make when dating any man. You see what you want to see as opposed to seeing what’s there. If you find yourself justifying or compensating for things he does or says, that’s your first mistake. 




2. Is he giving you too much attention too soon?

Any time you call a man and he always answers the phone, or he responds to all of your text right away, or you ask him to do something that you know most men would NOT be interested in doing and he quickly says yes, that’s a long way from normal. The truth is that a man who’s truly interested in you may accommodate you frequently, even the majority of the time, but "ALL" the time? That’s not normal, nor is it realistic. If anything that’s a sign he may have a hidden agenda, or he is controlling and/or obsessive. This may enchant at first, but later, trust me it’s going to blow up in your face.

RELATED: 10 Major Warning Signs He's The Wrong Guy For You

3. Does he over-communicate?

When you see a man texting you more than a couple of times a day, or calling you morning, noon, and night, that’s another red flag. Most men don’t like talking on the phone, nor do they desire a lot of conversation. Don’t confuse interaction with obsession. Many times controlling men use over-communication as a means of keeping tabs on you. The moment you make yourself unavailable his attentive behavior can quickly shift to prying and stalking.




4. Is there too much passion?

Do the two of you have intense confrontations followed by intense make-up intimacy? If so, run. Though this may validate your immediate need for emotional validation and connectivity, it’s a quick way to head down the wrong path and right into a mutually co-dependent dysfunctional love/hate relationship. Later these tension-filled interactions become increasingly hostile while becoming more the rule than the exception to it. 

5. Does he have "Wally Cleaver Syndrome"?  

Most men have at least two or more bad habits. He either swears too much, is in love with a hobby or a sport, is a bit sloppy, or is in some way irresponsible. Put mildly, normal men have some type of flaw. Any time you date a man who’s so good at masking his flaws you need to ask yourself what else is he hiding. I recommend two things to all of my female clients: First, be that which you seek. Second, be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove. In other words, real love does exist. There is somebody for everybody, but when it’s too good, it ain’t true. There’s no such thing as the perfect man. However, there is a such thing as the perfect man for you. If you haven’t met him yet, patiently continue preparing yourself. When it’s your due season you will reap.


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Dr. D. Ivan Young, MCC, NBC-HWC, is a leading behavioral modification and relationship expert, TEDx speaker, certified Master Coach and Master Neuro-Linguistic Programmer, and credentialed Master MBTI Practitioner with a Ph.D. in Holistic Life Coaching. He has written about relationships and mental well-being for YourTango for nearly 10 years.