Survey Reveals Husbands Create More Stress For Women Than Their Kids Do
Moms are stressed out, but it's not their children that are causing the problem.
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock Parenting is typically thought of as an incredibly difficult job. A lot of this stress tends to fall on moms, who are usually the primary caregivers in their families. But, could there be something even more stressful for moms than their kids?
According to one survey, there definitely is. While parenting is no walk in the park, most women admitted that they actually felt more stressed out by their husbands than their children.
Many women feel like their husbands are more stress-inducing than their kids are.
A 2013 TODAY Moms survey examined how moms feel and what they find most stressful in the important roles they hold. Out of the over 7,000 mothers surveyed, 46% reported that their husbands caused more stress for them than their kids.
The survey also asked moms to rate their stress level on a scale of one to 10. The average answer was eight and a half. “Often, moms complain, the fathers of their children are more like big kids than equal partners,” TODAY’s Rebecca Dube wrote.
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Despite the fact that contemporary moms are far from 1950s housewives who spend all of their time devoted to their families, 75% of moms still felt like they were more responsible for “parenting and household duties” than their male counterparts were. The biggest source of stress for moms is not having enough time to do all that they feel they must do. Feeling like they are not properly supported by their husbands is a problem.
Wife and mother Deno Fleno, who writes for the CT Working Moms blog, considers her husband, Phil, to be her third child. “A 7-year-old is going to be a 7-year-old,” she told Dube. “But a 35-year-old acting like a 7-year-old is more stressful, because they should know better.” Clearly, based on these survey results, Fleno is far from the only mom who feels this way. She added, “We both work full time and we both try to split the childcare, but somehow I’m always freaking out way more than he is.”
The survey findings seem to say more about marriage than they actually do about parenting.
While it would be easy to look at these results and think that they stem from the fact that men and women just view parenting differently, experts think it is actually more telling of the state of marriage. Dube spoke to Hal Runkel, a therapist, author, husband and father. “Marriage is a more difficult relationship than parenting,” he stated simply.
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Despite what many may believe, men are actually not the problem. The situation that marriage puts you in is just more difficult. Additionally, Dube reported, “Anecdotally, lesbian couples with kids report feeling the same frustration with their partner. Raising kids is just stressful; adult relationships are even more so.”
Runkel explained that moms see that role as their “primary job,” so they expect their husbands to step up. Meanwhile, dads feel like they are, in fact, stepping up and are more involved in their children’s lives than ever before, but aren’t receiving any recognition for this.
Parenting can, in some cases, be detrimental to marriage.
We typically think of parenting as a part of marriage, as many people choose to have kids after they get married. But, it’s important to remember that the two are very different things that can have a huge impact on each other.
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Sean Grover, LCSW, said that parents who are burnt out, meaning they’re fatigued and not properly caring for themselves, can see parenting start to take a toll on their marriage. It can even lead to separation and divorce.
Parents must ensure they are taking care not just of their children, but of their own relationship as well. It’s a good idea to really consider whether your relationship is ready for the addition of children before having them.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
