If You Want Real Love, Please Accept These 3 Brutal Truths

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Woman thinking of love

I received a shocking reality check at dinner last night, when my partner said to me, "I've given up on trying to love you because I couldn’t find an effective way to communicate with you what I need without you getting defensive. So I’m just going to focus on myself." OUuch. My knee-jerk reaction was an angry defense that was not very skillful and lacked empathy and compassion for where he was coming from emotionally.

I kept thinking to myself, "What is the point of being with someone who's stopped trying? If he’s given up, then what’s the point? I’m giving up too." I’ve been swimming in this scenario for most of my life as I struggle with chronic dissatisfaction in my love life — because I often feel my needs aren't being met. Then I discovered the courage to accept these 3 truths.

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If you want real love, you have to accept these 3 brutal truths:

1. Expectations are simply premeditated resentments

So here’s the first truth ladies: You have high expectations that your partner meet your core needs because you aren't (yet!) able to meet them for yourself. If you don’t know how to care for your heart, if you don’t know what you need — emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually — to live a happy, fulfilled life … then you will unconsciously expect someone else to do it all for you! If you expect your partner to meet your needs by reading your mind and body language, I have to say, you're fresh out of luck. 



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2. We all want to feel loved and cared for by another, and that's okay

I won’t even pretend to believe you if you tell me you don’t care about feeling loved and cared for by another human being, so please stop saying this to yourself or anyone else (I am calling you on your bluff right now!). We ALL (including me — and you!) want to feel loved, cared for, and adored by another, but until we admit that we DO want it and are WILLING to receive it, no matter what someone else does for us, it will never be enough. We may fight for it, but we won’t win. Our anger will push love away and we'll be left standing all alone. Our anger then turns to sadness, and we remain stuck in the limiting belief that we are not enough.

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3. When we believe we're "not enough," we look to blame our partner instead of reflecting on how we can take better care of ourselves

We often feel like no one understands us. We think to ourselves, "I don’t need much — just need a partner who respects me, helps me out from time to time, and doesn’t always just think about themselves first," and on and on! We blame others for our state of being and look for reasons to justify why we’re stuck where we are, we stop looking for better ways. When we’re stuck, we can't grow, evolve, or break free from our self-destructive patterns in relationships.



Here is the solution to deal with these truths and start to attract the LOVE you yearn for: Recognize what you keep doing in your love life that isn’t working and commit yourself to change it. Get the help and support you need to grow and break free from your patterns, so you don’t have to do it alone. Please note that getting support doesn’t mean you are weak or needy. It means that you are strong and courageous.

By getting support, you are asking the Universe to help light your way when you cannot see. Even when we allow a trusted mentor/coach to guide us, we must understand that we’re the only ones who can ultimately decide to change our own lives for the better! NO ONE ELSE is going to free you from the debt you accumulated. NO ONE ELSE is going to make you feel beautiful if you don’t believe you are beautiful.  

And no matter how many times the toilet seat gets left up, or how many dishes go unwashed, or how many times he leaves his underwear on the floor and his floss on the bathroom counter …it’s NOT about that! Stop wasting your energy complaining. Use your energy to look at what your heart needs right now for YOU to become happy. You owe this to yourself first and foremost, and you also owe it to him — because he is trying to love you, but he feels like he can’t because you won’t let his love in.

When you don’t let love in, you repel love instead. If you want to attract love, you need to do whatever it takes to love and care for your heart first. Get the support you need to grow, and stop wasting your time and energy feeling insignificant and believing you are NOT ENOUGH! Take a stand for who you truly are and step into your heart (not on it). Let your light shine bright for others to find their way to you and don’t ever give up on love!

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Teena Evert is a licensed marriage and family therapist and love relationship coach helping proactive, savvy women design the life they want and find the love they deserve.