If You Want Your Marriage To Be The Best Chapter Of Your Life, Discuss These 4 Things First
These talks aren't glamorous, but they're the key to a lasting marriage.
Matthias Cooper | Canva You and your fiancé may have talked about the big things — think: how you'll handle your finances and whether you want children — but we're willing to bet you two have yet to have a few conversations simply because you didn't realize they were important. But we've got you covered.
This level of fulfillment doesn't happen automatically. It's the result of specific approaches and commitments that transform love into a thriving, life-giving relationship. Here, according to relationship and etiquette expert April Masini, are four talks you never thought of but must have before you tie the knot.
If you want your marriage to be the best chapter of your life, discuss these 4 things first:
1. What place your exes have in your lives
If your long-ago love has a place in your present, Masini says, your relationship with him or her is something you must discuss with your partner.
"Some people think that because they're getting married, an ex is irrelevant and should be included as a wedding guest, a monthly dinner guest, or someone to call and hang out with," she describes. "They take pride in the friendship they have with the ex — and yet, this may be someone your partner feels is a threat to your marriage.
If you both agree that there's no problem, then there's no big deal. But if one of you has a problem with the other's ex, then before the wedding is the perfect time to work through this subject and agree on how to handle all your exes."
2. How you'll divide household labor
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A marriage isn't all romance. It takes a lot of work — and some of that is housework.
"It's about running your life together," as Masini puts it. "The sooner you recognize and get a jump on this, the better off you'll be. There's going to be a limited amount of money, energy, time, and space, and how you allocate what you have is crucial to your happiness."
Find a balance that works for you, she says, and that feels equitable, not necessarily equal. "You don't have to split everything down the middle, but you do have to create a master plan that works for your marriage," Masini says. "When you get a head start on the discussion of who does what earns what, and more, you'll have a better chance at a good marriage."
Openly discussing and actively working towards a division of household labor that both partners perceive as fair, regardless of whether it's objectively equal, is crucial for fostering teamwork and reducing conflict. Research suggests that some husbands may be more open to sharing traditionally female tasks than their wives anticipate.
3. How you include your in-laws in your marriage
Says Masini, "In-laws can be the straw that breaks the camel's back — and the camel, in this case, is the marriage. That's why it's important to strategize about how to deal with in-laws before the marriage."
Think about holidays and birthdays, and come up with a plan to trade off, suggests Masini. "Spend one Thanksgiving at one set of in-laws and the next at the other," she says.
"If you set the precedent for flexibility and your intentions are clear that you're going to try and make things fair, you may disappoint some parents, but you'll be a united front and you'll be upfront about this. That gives the in-laws time to process and accept the situation."
Research indicates a link between men having a good relationship with their in-laws and a lower risk of divorce. This might be because a man making an effort to bond with his wife's family can be seen as a demonstration of commitment and care, which strengthens the couple's connection.
4. What items are on your bucket list
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You could take your spouse by unpleasant surprise if he or she doesn't know that your long-term goals conflict with his or hers. "If you get married and then divulge that you don't want to live in a city anymore, you're springing a big one on your spouse," says Masini.
"If you want to quit your longtime job and go to med school at age 40, be (way) upfront about this. Your spouse doesn't want to quash your dreams — but he may not want to share them, either."
Psychologists recognize that setting specific goals, even those seemingly out of reach, demonstrates hopefulness. When couples plan for the future together with flexibility, they express a joint sense of hope for their lives together.
Jillian Kramer is an award-winning storyteller. She's been featured in Food and Wine, Glamour, SELF, Brides, and Women's Health Magazine.
