You Can Usually Tell You've Lost Yourself In A Relationship By These 8 Things You Silently Tolerate
AŃDY | Pexels "Losing yourself in a relationship" is a trite phrase thrown around all the time. But I’ve noticed that while people might talk about it, they don’t deal with it, evidenced by how often it happens. When you lose yourself, you begin acting in very unappealing ways that don't always match up with who you are as a person.
The signs of feeling lost in a relationship tend to creep up on us, making figuring out how to find yourself again all the more difficult. I know this intimately because I see it every day in my work. And because it’s happened to me.
After a lot of rational self-examination, I’ve come to the depressing conclusion that I’ve done exactly the opposite of what I teach, and that thing is: I totally and completely lost myself in my marriage, which led to its eventual demise.
I can look back on many failed relationships of my own and nearly pinpoint the exact time it happened, but this time, the terrifying realization has dawned on me in real time that I was the one who screwed up, who lost herself completely in her relationship. That’s why I had to write about this, both to help you lovely readers and to make myself a rough guide so that this never, ever happens again.
You can usually tell you've lost yourself in a relationship by these 9 things you silently tolerate:
1. You’ve lost touch with your own passion and purpose
Remember when you were so full of hope? Feel like that’s been crushed and you’ve let your life’s purpose fall by the wayside? That’s a big red flag that you’ve allowed yourself to take the backseat in your relationship. It's important to remember that this kind of pattern is one that gradually happens over time.
2. You put your needs and desires on the back burner
I’m not sure why sometimes it seems so important to forgo what you want for what you think someone else wants in your relationship. Do we do it in favor of approval? Not rocking the boat?
Maybe because, like hoovering down an entire bag of Doritos, ignoring what you really want feels great at the moment. When you ignore things like your desires and wants that are messy and take hard work, you can bury your head in the sand. You don’t have to do anything about them. You can go on like it’s all not happening until you’re so overtaken with regret and resentment you just can’t stand it any longer.
3. You go through the motions
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For most, life goes something like waking up, taking kids to school, going to work, dealing with the kids, sleep. Carve out a few minutes of quality time on the weekend. Rinse. Repeat.
This probably wasn’t at all what you pictured when you were a kid, and you plotted out the way you thought your life would go. If it wasn’t bad enough, your sense of humor seems to be on hiatus as well.
4. You live a worried, fear-based life
You’ve allowed the creepy “what ifs” to lurk around and rule your life. This is your brain treating ordinary discomfort as a genuine emergency.
“What if” you die in that fiery crash? Better not buy that motorcycle.
“What if” you never get famous and make doing your art? Better not even bother to sketch anything.
“What if your spouse doesn’t take the right exit on the freeway? You could be late!” The horror.
“What if…” “What if…” “What if…”
It’s exhausting, and it’s a trap. Fear and worry tell you that you have control when you really have zero control. That groundlessness is both terrifying and freeing, depending on the amount of joy you’re allowing into your life.
5. You attend to everyone else's needs first
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Everyone around you can sense the toxic resentment that seeps through your pores like sewage in a leach field when you put everyone else's needs above your own. To everyone around you, you come off like a long-suffering, put-upon martyr.
Martyrdom might work for religious figures, but sacrificing yourself for your relationship isn’t good for you, and it’s the death knell for your relationships. When you don’t take responsibility for the fact that you’ve let your own light go out, it’s easy to look around and decide that it’s someone else’s fault. This is both a cop-out and a way to absolve yourself of responsibility for your own happiness.
6. Your emotional range is blunted
Joy and true happiness are fleeting. You might not be anxious and depressed (many are), but you’re flirting with them at least. Unfortunately, your ability to experience anger is probably bubbling there right below the surface at any time, ready to jump out and hurt someone in its path.
7. You use anything to fill the void
Since real joy feels like such a long way off that it’s practically unobtainable, it’s tempting to look for something — anything! — to fill the gnawing hole in your gut and your soul. Temporary relief, like losing whole days to Netflix marathons, eating yourself out of house and home, drinking, and shopping, is at least relief, however temporary it might be.
Self-criticism might tell you this is a willpower problem, but it's more about going back to the basics."Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep contribute to better physical health, increased energy levels, and a stronger immune system," couples counselor Miki Anderson advised.
8. You feel like you've sold yourself out
“This isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” is pretty much your mantra. Remember those hopes and dreams I was talking about before? You wake up every morning with a vague sense that “it’s not gonna happen.” Real talk: if you keep going in this sleep-walk, zombie, half-life direction you’re headed in, it’s not gonna happen.
Unless you make a change. Now. You know, when they do the safety demonstration on planes, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first? You know, because you’ll die if you try to help everyone else before yourself?
Losing yourself is like throwing your own oxygen mask out the window and then trying to share your partner’s mask. Letting yourself get lost in your relationship is claustrophobic, toxic for both of you, and impossible long-term.
Elizabeth Stone is an author, dating coach, and personal development coach who helps women restore themselves to improve their relationships.
