The 3 Types Of Risk-Taking This Therapist Sees Over And Over In Relationships
Across all three types of risk-taking, a partner’s different tolerance can lead to distress and disconnection.
Itadaki | Unsplash In 2022, I built out my business, starting a group practice and a podcast in addition to my regular practice. Taking new risks in this way made me think deeply about risk in general, and the types of risk-taking that I observe in my clients.
Interestingly, risk-taking doesn’t seem to be a monolithic construct; people who take risks in one of the three areas aren’t always risk-takers in the other two. Even more interestingly for couples' work, partners’ compatibility on these risk-taking domains can lead to a lot of conflict, even if they are both overall risk-averse or risk-tolerant.
The 3 types of risk-taking this therapist sees over and over in relationships:
1. Physical risk-taking
Let’s turn first to physical risk-taking, by which I mean a preference for adventurous physical activities that either put someone in direct danger or that require a lot of training and physical strength. Examples include going on safari, preparing for a triathlon, or things of that nature. Out of the three types of risk taking, physical risk taking seems to cause the least conflict within relationships, which doesn’t mean zero conflict by any means. In a best-case scenario, one person bungee jumps or whatever else, and the other person doesn’t, and the less risk-taking one learns to live with the other’s choices.
However, conflict can ramp up when the couple has kids and/or gets older. In this situation, if the marriage is happy overall, the risk-taker grows more likely to compromise with their partner and limit their exposure to extremely dangerous activities.
Of course, there can be fighting if there is no compromise or acceptance. This conflict is usually because the risk-taker derives a tremendous dopamine rush from their activities and feels their life would be barren and uninteresting without this type of physical jolt to their system. People with ADHD are often adventure seekers in this way.
2. Financial risk-taking
Mladen Mitrinovic / Shutterstock
Financial risk-taking, or managing money in a way that your partner feels leads to a high likelihood of loss, is the type of risk-taking that I see leading to the most conflict in relationships. When a person feels that their partner is risking their hard-earned nest egg and jeopardizing the family’s stability and security with risky decisions, this can make them feel unsafe, angry, and helpless.
The risk-taker can end up feeling equally as angry because they feel constricted in their ability to create the life that they want. Also, if any of the financial risks that are taken are not disclosed, this is called “financial infidelity” and can lead to the same trauma response as any other sort of betrayal.
Frequently, financial risk-taking comes up in terms of investing and entrepreneurship. Women are generally more anxious than men, so many of my clients who struggle with a partner’s financial risk-taking are female.
These women often feel anxious when their husbands invest in the stock market (or, in recent years, in crypto). They are also more averse to the idea of their husbands starting their own business versus playing it safe, working for a large company with benefits. The problems come when their husbands feel shackled to their wives’ overly fearful (from their perspective) worldviews and, therefore unable to forge their own path or make their own decisions about their time and money.
You might think that people who take financial risks are those with enough financial security overall that it doesn’t matter whether they lose some money short term. However, this isn’t always or even often the case. People who grew up without money often know that they can live without it if they need to, because they used to survive with very little.
This can make them more likely to take financial risks, because they don’t have the terror of going without. Conversely, some people who grew up without money can be extremely risk-averse because they never want to go back to how they grew up.
3. Emotional risk-taking
Emotional risk-taking includes putting yourself out there in ways that open you up to potential rejection. This can range from giving a partner compliments to initiating intimacy to starting or continuing discussions about sensitive topics.
Emotional risk-taking is another area that can lead to marital dissatisfaction, because the partner who is more open to taking emotional risks often feels that the other is not being vulnerable enough. Emotional risk-taking is usually learned in childhood; if a parent is open about their emotions, children learn that this is okay, and if emotions are hidden, this can teach a child that expressing emotions is dangerous.
When there is a mismatch in emotional risk-taking between partners, there is usually less fear or anger than when there is a mismatch in physical or financial risk-taking. But it can certainly lead to feelings of loneliness and distance.
Across all three types of risk-taking, partners’ different tolerances can lead to distress and disconnection. Couples counseling can help partners learn to understand one another’s perspectives at a deeper level. For example, regarding financial risk, discussions about how money was handled in each partner’s family of origin can be instrumental in facilitating empathy and understanding. It is much easier to come to a compromise about how risk is handled when partners have a clearer understanding of one another’s feelings, experiences, and worldviews.
Which of these three types of risk are you most and least comfortable with? What about your partner? Use this post to spark a discussion about your different levels of risk-taking and where in your background you think that you developed your ideas about risk-tolerance.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
