If Trust Is Missing In A Relationship, These 10 Toxic Habits Tend To Become Normal Fast
Antonio Guillem | Shutterstock Do you know the feeling that something is missing in your relationship because certain toxic habits have become normalized? All you wanted was your relationship to be easygoing, but it didn't seem to go that way, no matter how hard you tried. Now, the more you need, the more your partner pulls back.
When you ask why, their answers are usually ludicrous. You do not feel like you are really being difficult. But, right when you reach your limit, your partner reels you in to get you back on their good side. You're wondering if this rollercoaster ride will ever end.
Research has suggested this could point to trust issues in your relationship, which often stem from parental influences, previous relationships, attachment style, or your relationship beliefs. Yet, trust in a relationship is incredibly important: If you don't have trust, then what do you have? As much as you might love the adrenaline rush of conflict, it is time for your relationship to sprout into something more sustainable.
When trust is missing from a relationship, these habits become normalized:
1. Keeping tabs on them through social media
You might secretly maintain a record of whose social media posts your partner likes, who they follow, and who they unfollow, or you have been known to word vomit on each of their posts to fiercely mark your territory.
It is as if you are the authority over your partner, while they abide by your rules of who they can and cannot be friends with. The minute your partner meets a new friend, you immediately demand a debriefing on how they know them.
While it is okay to be cognizant of new friends entering your partner’s life, questioning them every second you get is way too much. To prevent unnecessary questioning, you need to create a deeper bond of trust. Otherwise, it may only be a matter of time before your insecurities destroy your relationship.
Psychologist Forrest Talley, Ph.D., cautioned: "Trust is built on the foundation of honest communication. In romantic relationships, this honesty extends well beyond exchanging words. It requires sharing your innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences while inviting your partner to do the same."
2. Picking fights for attention
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You might not know how to receive positive admiration from your partner. The minute you feel the slightest distance creep up between the two of you, you create a dramatic scenario to see if your partner cares about you. Constantly playing the victim is the name of your game. This makes your partner feel like they need to validate you on a regular basis to keep things amicable.
Eventually, this game will grow tiresome for your partner. The endless bickering is emotionally draining and takes the fun out of your relationship. Your partner is not responsible for giving you the security you crave — that is an inside job you will need to develop with self-love and positive affirmations. Studies have helped show that working on your self-worth will do wonders in receiving the positive attention you desire from your partner.
3. Playing control games
When your messages and calls receive no replies for hours on end, it frustrates you terribly and puts you in a bad mood. You do not understand why your partner continues to ignore you, as you have asked them repeatedly not to disrespect your value of open communication.
Six hours go by, and you finally see a message pop up on your screen with their name. At this point, you are upset because your partner has been stonewalling you. So, you decide not to respond by treating them the same way they are treating you. It becomes a vicious cycle until one of you decides to cave in and end the immaturity.
With communication being the lifeline of a relationship, it appears you might be headed for Splitsville. If the communication channels do not reach a mature level, then getting your needs met will be a challenge.
Establishing a boundary based on your value of open communication is the ultimate way to shut down the mind games. And, if your partner does not cease the behavior after setting the boundary, you will have to decide if you want to continue engaging in this style of communication.
4. Constantly checking their phone is a sign that trust is missing
You check your partner’s incoming and outgoing calls as well as text messages to see who they are talking to every day. The minute their phone vibrates, you ask, "Who is that?"
You have become a drill sergeant who demands to know about every conversation your partner has and what it is in regard to. It has become apparent that you do not trust or have respect for your partner.
Trust is everything in a relationship. It takes time to build and only seconds to lose. When you have your partner’s trust, it is important to value it. Unless your partner is acting in a manner that breaks your trust, giving them their privacy is the respectful thing to do.
5. Playing tit-for-tat
You feel as if you do more for your partner than they do for you. The giving and receiving in your relationship is the complete opposite of a balancing act. You feel your partner does not love you as much as you love them, and it’s beginning to weigh on you.
You surprise them with tickets to their favorite bands, handle most of the laundry, take them out to dinner, and pay most of the household bills. You are happy to do it because you understand they work longer hours than you. Even though it is easier for you to handle most of the things around the house, you feel they are taking advantage of your kindness.
While no relationship will ever fully be balanced out on a day-to-day basis, playing tit-for-tat means you are not genuinely giving. Giving comes from the heart without expectations of something in return.
If you feel like your relationship is one-sided, you may need to re-evaluate whether your partner is respecting you. You cannot date a taker without being a giver, too.
6. Staying in contact all day
Being away from your partner during the workday is like death to you. You cannot wait to get home and snuggle up on the couch, eat pizza, and watch your favorite series with them. You are inseparable. Without your partner, you feel lost in life.
To get through the workday, you message each other nonstop. Your inbox is filled with alerts. It is so bad that you have even been blocked by the IT department from instant messaging because it is beginning to affect your productivity.
Constant contact with your partner can often lead to enmeshment. This is an unhealthy dependency where you rely on your partner to fulfill all of your needs. When enmeshment occurs, it can often lead to a lack of healthy lifestyle functioning.
Healthy relationships need space to flourish and grow. Spending too much time together does not allow you and your partner to meet your individual needs outside of the relationship. When your growth suffers, so will the connection you share.
7. Bringing in a third party is a sign that there's no trust
You and your partner have a mutual friend you rely on for support outside of your relationship. When discord erupts, you both run to your mutual friend to express your side of the story. You and your partner rely on your friend to take sides and choose who is right or wrong. It is the only way to resolve the fight, as you both cannot seem to work through it alone.
Bringing in a third party to resolve your and your partner’s discord is known as triangulation. You both refuse to speak to one another about the discord, and you rely on an outside source to do the talking for you. When this occurs, it keeps you from developing healthy conflict-resolution skills.
To work on having a healthy relationship and resolve your differences, finding ways to be a unified team will be the best thing for you. If you cannot resolve the issue, it will be best to hire a relationship coach who can teach you constructive communication skills.
8. Keeping an ex on the back burner
Your relationship is as stable as a boat with a hole in the bottom of it. At any given moment, you may have to jump overboard. You break up and get back together every other week due to petty fights. As much as you want to be with your partner, you do not feel the relationship gives you the security you desire.
So, you keep your ex on speed dial for empathy when things head south. Studies have suggested that keeping your ex in your life to deal with your current relationship troubles will prevent you from fully embracing your new relationship. Knowing you have a way out at any given time does not force you to own up to your actions and work through things maturely.
When you have nothing but the two of you to face your issues, it forces you to work through what is going on beneath the surface. Getting to the root of the problem will be key to moving forward without the help of relying on your ex, who’s only a band-aid.
9. Engaging in text wars
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Facing your partner when you're arguing is beyond terrifying. You run from conflict faster than a cheetah. When it comes to working through it, having a face-to-face conversation is out of the question.
You hide behind a screen and engage in text message wars. You send excessive, long-winded messages expressing your concerns, yet nothing seems to get resolved. It usually exacerbates the situation and leads to more misunderstanding than you started with.
The best way to resolve issues with your partner is to calmly address them face-to-face. This allows further understanding of the issue, minimizes confusion, and often makes it easier to come to a resolution.
If the conversation becomes emotionally elevated, take a ten-minute break to re-center. After the break, regroup as a couple and understand that you are in it together and need to actively listen to each other to find a resolution.
10. Focusing on me and not we
You only care about me, myself, and I. As long as you get what you need and want in the relationship, nothing else matters. You consistently put your needs before your relationship. And, you don't care if your relationship is beginning to suffer. Your selfish ways are starting to be too much to handle.
It seems you have not figured out that a relationship consists of two individuals working together for a greater sum than the two. If your relationship’s needs are not being met and you refuse to compromise, research has suggested to prepare for your partner to find someone more willing to put we before me.
If you are currently experiencing relationship hiccups, set aside some time to communicate your concerns with your partner. You also may want to take time to reflect on your behaviors and how you may contribute to the immaturity in the relationship dynamic.
Since mature relationship protocols and conflict resolution tools are not formally taught, seeking a professional neutral source can be beneficial to you as a couple. This can help eliminate any confusion around what one partner may consider juvenile, whereas the other may see it as an expression of their feelings and working through what is healthiest for the relationship to survive before it is too late.
Jan and Jillian Yuhas are dating and relationship coaches who help men attract the women they want. They have been featured in The Good Men Project and Thrive Global, among many others.
