For 23 Years I Couldn’t Stop Thinking About My Ex — Until One Sentence Finally Set Me Free
Sim_89-10 | Shutterstock I appreciate the lessons I've learned from the 14 men I've known in the biblical sense. But out of all of them, it took a while — from 1993 to 2015 — to get totally and completely over one in particular. I could not stop pining over my ex.
As someone who is currently a marriage life coach, I see my fair share of couples who honestly should have dealt with their past relationships with other folks before saying "I do."
When you're still wounded or angry or broken or simply don't know how to get over your ex, research has shown how you can bring that into your current situation. It can make you cynical on a good day and flat-out bitter and extremely hard to live with on a not-so-good one.
For 23 years, I couldn’t stop thinking about my ex until one sentence finally set me free
Something I often say about my first love (who was my first everything, really) is that the loyalty I had for him, I never had for any other human being. But in hindsight, I don't think he deserved it.
My first boyfriend was a teenager when we met. He was selfish and a player and way too emotionally immature to care for me in any real way. To be fair, he was also funny, smart, and extremely good-looking.
From the moment I first laid my eyes on his deeply almond-set ones, he had me.
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We both came from broken homes, a study helped explain why we both were starving for someone to make us feel more secure about ourselves, and we both said "I love you" without really understanding what it meant.
He had me through the fights, two abortions, and just-for-old-times-sake-intimacy that we engaged in until the turn of the millennium. Shoot, even when we would run into each other after that, although I didn't realize it at first, that man still had me.
He had my heart. That's why, even several years later, when I found myself being a guest at a wedding, he was a groomsman; seeing him in his tux still caused my heart to skip a beat; it caused my mind to superimpose my head onto the bride's body and wonder "what if."
He still had me contemplating forever, even though his promises of trying to make it work again were shallow and unreliable.
For several months after our being reunited at that wedding, there was no intimacy (for once), but still, we tried to make it work.
We talked on the phone. We went out on a few dates. We discussed building a future. I'll never forget him assuring me that I'd hear from him on a particular New Year's Eve. Finally! We were going to start a new year together rather than stumble through more off-and-on months of our never-really-dealt-with emotions. But wow. Don't you know that fool didn't call? Or return my phone calls?
So I moved on, kinda. I got a boyfriend, but it didn't stop me from doing double takes when I thought I saw him in the mall or sitting at a red light. It didn't stop me from asking the few mutual friends we shared if he was okay (code for "Is he married yet?").
It didn't stop me from perusing his social media accounts or contemplating sending an email to see how he was doing. It didn't stop me from thinking, believing, that when it was all said and done, we'd end up together. More than boyfriend and girlfriend. Finally, husband and wife.
I remember another ex of mine once saying to me as I asked him why we didn't work, "Shellie, you're not in love with me. You're in love with the memory of me." He had a point.
When we give someone our heart, body, and even a part of our spirit (be careful about surrendering that last part; it's a doozy to get back!), it can be oh-so-hard to get over. When you give all of who you are, body included, to someone who may not be around forever, a piece of you can go missing for a long time.
When I publicly speak, I oftentimes say, "If you find your ex on Facebook, that's all you. But if you run into them in Kroger, that's God." It was last spring that the latter happened. I "ran into" my ex. He was with a woman, and we exchanged numbers. Again. This time, I was on a mission. This time, there was nothing romantic about it. This time, we were going to do it now or never again. Ever.
We had a pattern of always having magical conversations at first. We hung out a few times, but he said something to me that I'm pretty sure he had said before. This time, I was listening, though.
After years of pining, this sentence set me free: 'Every time you come back into my life, I'm never ready for you.'
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(Look, 20+ years of you saying the same old thing means you are choosing not to get ready. Got it.)
Me: "Do you still love me?"
Him: "Yes. I'm always going to love you. But so much has happened, I'm not sure if I'm in love with you still."
(That's fair. I guess. But what I hadn't heard before was something that he didn't say. It was something I heard come out of my mouth.)
Me: "You know what? I can't tell the difference between when you like me, when you love me, and when you're in love. Throughout the years, the treatment has been all the same."
That. That right there. Here I was pining over a man for two decades (can you believe it?!) and I can't tell the difference between when we're just friends, when we're friends-with-benefits, and when I'm his girlfriend. Wow.
I sat across from him at the restaurant with a disappointed look on my face. We finished our lunch in silence. It was raining outside, which was tragically romantic. As he drove me to my car, he took my hand and kissed it. Even though no one said it, I knew the journey was finally, finally coming to an end.
I called him on Memorial Day Weekend. He pushed me to voicemail and didn't call back. I texted him a couple of hours later, asked him not to pick up, and left a voicemail. Then I promptly changed my phone number.
My mother says, 'Discernment prevents experience from being your teacher.'
If you're reading this and you're still carrying a torch for a past love, unable to learn the tools for how to get over your ex, please don't let it burn you. Research has implied to let your self-esteem be louder than your memories. Ask yourself what I said to myself. And to him. Can you honestly tell the difference between being liked and loved and having a man be in love with you?
If the answer is "yes," congrats. You might be onto something good. If it's "no" or "not sure," you don't need to have a lunch date. You need to hang out with your girls, read a self-help book, or even better, go to a spa for some pampering.
You need to be in the kind of environment that reminds you that you deserve a man who you're sure you love and (please get this part!) you're also sure loves you. Anything less needs to be an ex. Left in the past. Forever.
Shellie R. Warren’s work has been featured in The Good Men Project, Laila Ali’s lifestyle blog, wedding sites (including Wedding Chat), and the spirituality blog BeliefNet. She also writes for Tawkify, a professional matchmaking website.
