The #1 Marriage Complaint Women Secretly Share In Therapy, According To Experts
The silent things women only share in therapy.
RossHelen | Canva Women are well aware of the problems caused by ignoring their mental well-being. Always being emotionally tough, yet constantly available for the emotional needs of others, means hiding behind a mask of compassion for many women.
A study of 1,893 low-income immigrant and U.S.-born women with an acknowledged emotional problem found that seventy-eight percent of participants felt counseling would be helpful. Fortunately, the mental health stigma that kept many people from seeking treatment has crumbled. Mental health advocacy has made going to therapy acceptable and more useful in the process.
When women seek therapy to help with emotional challenges and obstacles, their friends and family might worry about what is being said. However, for women, this is taking the first important step toward gaining better control and establishing healthier boundaries. But what marriage complaints do women share most in therapy? We asked for insight from some top healing and relationship experts and therapists.
Here's the #1 marriage complaint women secretly share in therapy, according to experts:
1. 'My partner shows no interest in my life'
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Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., does a great deal of couples therapy. One common complaint women have is that their partner does not seem interested in their life or attuned to their feelings. It’s as if her partner is not listening to what he was told is on the woman’s plate for the day or the week. He can't answer a question about how life is treating her these days.
For example, there is no checking in to see how the stressful physician’s appointment went yesterday, or what happened when she visited with her troublesome sister. Or, are her chronic headaches getting any better? There is no concern paid, or at least none is voiced, until, of course, their partner’s needs arise.
At that point, all of a sudden, the charm and attention are turned on. “How are you, darling?” Kiss, kiss, hug, hug. But it feels transactional and phony to the woman, so she doesn’t trust that his expression of concern and love is real.
2. 'I don't feel heard'
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After decades of therapy experience, therapist Dr. Gloria Brame says the most common complaint is that wives don't feel genuinely heard by their husbands. Research from the Journal of Marriage and the Family confirmed that communication breakdown is a leading cause of marital dissatisfaction.
Women tell me their partners pretend to listen but quickly forget or ignore what they said. Whether it's about childcare responsibilities, household chores, or especially when remembering important dates like birthdays and anniversaries. It leads to feelings of invalidation and near-invisibility in the marriage.
For some wives, the emotional disconnect is often what brings them to my office. Often alone, which is a statement about the disconnect in itself.
3. 'I give, but never receive'
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Another top marriage complaint Dr. Brame hears from women in therapy revolves around a double standard. When it comes to intimacy, the most common issue my female clients raise is an intimacy gap between themselves and their partners.
Most men typically complain they aren't getting enough intimacy, whereas most women are not as focused on frequency as they are on the quality.
One client reported her husband picked on her if she didn't fix her hair and dress up while he remained ungroomed and in unwashed boxers and socks. In other words, women's complaints tend to revolve around specifics in intimate behaviors, while men tend to complain about frequency.
In both peri-menopausal and menopausal women, the complaint shifts. They want less physical intimacy than before, and some don't want any at all. They get resentful because their partners won't accept the loss of interest. This creates new problems that extend beyond the bedroom, including communication breakdowns, emotional distancing, arguments, and resentments on both sides.
From there, it's a slippery slope to gray divorce. In order to heal the rift, they need to have a meeting of the minds so they can freely communicate, work on their differences, and achieve a peaceful compromise.
4. 'I don't feel emotionally supported'
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Life coach Sidhharrth S. Kumaar is aware that one of the most prevalent and difficult problems in long-term relationships and marriages is not having enough emotional closeness. More often, women in therapy are talking about how their intimacy, connection, and sense of being truly understood by their partner are slowly fading away.
The slow fade is often tied to a lack of support for personal growth. So, women get frustrated when their needs, aspirations, or growth aren't recognized or supported. As a result, the relationship changes to stasis instead of growth.
5. 'I'm not happy'
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Life coach Mitzi Bockmann has heard many women in therapy complain that they aren't happy. But they also can't identify what it would take to be happy again.
This lack of awareness is what keeps them stuck. We all have issues — knowing and accepting them is the key to being emotionally strong. You can certainly try to fix them as well, but just knowing they are with you will take you a long way towards emotional strength.
The other piece of self-awareness is knowing who you are in a relationship. What kind of things, good and bad, do you bring into it? Take a deep breath, figure out what your issue is, and address it in a way you can be proud of.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
