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Your relationship may not be evolving the way you think.
By Rebecca Jane Stokes
Last updated on Mar 04, 2024
The goal for many women is to meet a man, fall in love and, ideally, build a life together. But one of the big perils of relationships is when one or both partners starts to get comfortable.
When we start to get comfortable in our relationships, we adopt certain behaviors that can drive our men, specifically, away from us, even without knowing it. And what do men think when you get comfortable? Could it be hurting your chances of a successful long-term relationship?
Here are 5 things women start doing when they get comfortable in a relationship — that scare some men away
1. Wearing pajamas constantly
Look, we get it. As a man, he's never had to wear a bra all day or shoes that pinch in a terrible way. He doesn't understand how uncomfortable you feel by the time you get home from work or just being out on your feet all day.
Yes, it's not fair that he wants you to be all dolled up with a full face of makeup whenever he gets to see you, but there's a happy medium between your full face of makeup paired with fancy work clothes, and that pair of pajamas you bought at a gas station in college that has holes everywhere.
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It doesn't need to be every day, but keeping your work clothes on for a while, or changing into a favorite pair of jeans and a cozy t-shirt, can let him know that you want to look your best for him.
Relationships are all about putting in effort, even for something as tiny as what you wear. Because when you toss your hair up and put on a sleep shirt the second you see him, it can make him feel like you don't really care.
2. Watching too much television
We're in the second golden age of television, so there is something great on television every single day of the week. Plus, with plenty of streaming services available, it's easy to just plop on the couch and get into the zone.
And once you have determined the relationship and decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend, the pressure is off — to a certain extent. But that doesn't mean you now have the right to sit inside together staring blankly at the TV every single night of the week.
While a night at home making out, eating pizza, and watching the latest season of "Love Is Blind" is great, your man still wants to go out and experience new things with you. Besides, if he wanted to just watch television and not talk, he would move back into his fraternity.
Life doesn't stop when a relationship starts — it has only just begun! Don't get stuck in a couch slump with your guy. Try new things together, and make it a point to stay off the couch.
3. Hiding your true feelings
Out of all the things women start doing when they get comfortable in a relationship, hiding their feelings may be the most destructive.
Hiding how you really feel from your partner is a phase every couple has to get through if they hope to make it in a long-term relationship. So if you love your guy and want to make things work, you have to stop fighting the way you did before you knew he was in this thing for real.
That means that when you're upset about something, you have to tell him, rather than skirting around the issue. It might not always be easy, and he might not say the right thing, but at least you'll be having a real argument instead of passive-aggressively walking on eggshells around each other.
It's important to fight well. If you don't fight well and express what's on your mind, you become stuck in that game-playing stage of when you just start talking to someone. And no one wants to be stuck in that for all time.
4. Changing the way you express affection
When the two of you started dating, you probably gave him lots of passionate kisses. You probably rubbed his back, ran your fingers through your hair, and were physically affectionate. You also probably texted him throughout the day just to let him know you care.
But now, when you text him throughout the day, it's to remind him to make sure to pick up the dry cleaning, to buy a specific item at the grocery store, and to make sure the car is filled with gas. It's never a call or text to check in and see how his day is going.
When you become too comfortable in a relationship, the romance and affection may begin to fade away. But they don't have to. You can still assign household responsibilities and send a loving text every now and then.
Stability doesn't have to mean an end to the physical side of your relationship. In fact, one of the great things about being in a long-term relationship is finding all of the different ways your love for each other can manifest positively day-to-day.
So make it a point to rethink the way you express affection to your man. Otherwise, it may mean you've become too comfortable in your relationship, and he's not going to stick around to see what happens next.
Photo: Danik Prihodko / Pexels
5. Being standoffish to his friends
When you first start dating a guy, you don't even take the time to consider whether or not you like his friends; all that matters is that they like you, and you get along with one another. But when you're dating and officially in a relationship, that sometimes means you treat his friends differently than you did when the two of you first started dating.
While this doesn't mean you treat the guys like garbage, not inviting them to your home or joining them for a drink every once in a while sends a message, and that message is: "I don't think you matter to my guy." And he not only notices, but so do they.
Instead of being standoffish and treating his friends like they are a burden on your relationship, make the effort to truly get to know them. After all, they were a part of your partner's life before you came along, so it only makes sense to show them respect.
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Rebecca Jane Stokes is a freelance writer, editor, former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek, and contributor to YourTango. She has a passion for lifestyle, geek news, and true crime topics. Her bylines have appeared on Fatherly, Bustle, SheKnows, Jezebel, and many others.