11 Things I Really Wish Someone Had Told Me When I Was Deeply Ashamed Of My Divorce
johannes krupinski | Unsplash Divorce can leave a woman carrying an enormous amount of shame.
The stigma attached to the "D" word can make a woman feel ashamed. She's failed at marriage, at being a good wife, and feels guilty for letting down the children and breaking the vow of "till death do us part". When those vows were written in mid-16th-century England, people were getting married in their teens and only living another decade or two, but today we live far beyond that. Ending a marriage doesn't make someone a failure, and feeling ashamed only adds another painful burden to an already stressful experience. Divorce changes everything, from your finances and family relationships to your plans for the future, but it can also teach you just how capable you are of healing and rebuilding.
These are the things I wish someone had told me when I was deeply ashamed of my divorce:
1. You can't just 'get over' a divorce
Divorce is one of the most stressful life events ever, next to someone dying. The only thing is that you go through a similar grief cycle, and yet the person you are grieving is still alive. (Not that we want them dead, no, really, we don’t.)
As divorce coach Karen Finn put it, "It doesn't matter which side of the divorce decision you’re on or the reason for the decision. The end of a marriage that began with dreams of happily ever after is heartbreaking. It’s okay to experience grief after a divorce. Grief after a divorce is profound because the end of your marriage means your entire life must change — whether you want it to or not."
2. Divorce can feel overwhelming
The great unknown. What do you do next? Who do you trust and reach out to first? What are your legal rights? How much is this going to cost?
Seeing your lawyer or mediator for the first time is daunting. No one can be prepared for the conversations you are about to have around finances and parenting. But what you fear facing needs to be dealt with.
"Finding clarity around what you want, empowerment to ask for it, and a laser focus on what is most important will ensure you’re finally making this change work for you," advised divorce coach Laura Miolla. "You are not at the mercy of the waves and the current. You’re not drowning."
3. You'll learn more about yourself than you ever expected
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This is life's biggest learning curve. If there’s ever a time in your life when you are going to learn more about someone else, other family and friends, and, more importantly, yourself, this is the time.
You will question and second-guess pretty much everything. What does marriage mean? Where did you go wrong (you didn’t, by the way)? How could this happen to you? You get the drift. There’s a fair chance you’ll see the good, the bad, and the toxic in some people’s behavior. Remember, there are lessons to be learned.
4. You can show your children what healthy relationships look like
When D-day comes around to legally dissolve the marriage, you are likely still in a relationship with your former partner until death do you part (those vows again!) when there are children involved.
You will have to see each other, and you will have to talk to each other. You will bite your tongue more than you’d want to. You will be setting an example for your children; remember that. Know that treating your former partner with respect can help your children feel more secure.
5. You may feel broken, but you will heal
Most of us have some idea that marriage isn’t what we signed up for anymore. Counseling didn’t work. You're feeling pretty much alone and confused. Your world has been shaken upside down and inside out. Who do you even trust?
Then, little by little, you begin picking yourself back up. Divorce may not make life easier right away, but healing can lead you toward a life that feels healthier and more like your own.
6. You're capable of rebuilding your life
Many women I’ve spoken to have had to go back to full-time work to support their families. However, some have been out of work for so long that they have to learn a new skill for a completely new industry.
Financially, it can take a lot longer for a woman to rebuild and reestablish herself and her career, all while juggling the little people, managing the role of a solo parent, and trying to have a life. Not only is divorce a financial rebuild, but it's also a confidence do-over.
7. You get to decide who you are now
You’ve gone from a Mrs. to a Ms., from married to separated, and then to divorced (or unmarried, as I prefer to say). The other half of the ex. People you once considered family may no longer be part of your life. The ring comes off, and sometimes the gloves go on.
Who are you? You may wonder. Your family now looks different, your place of love. What happens to the home, your place of safety? What will everyone think or say about you?
You are amazing, and you are enough. Your identity, on a subconscious level, has had a bit of a shakeup. Redefine who you are and set some new standards.
8. Sharing custody may give you time for yourself
Dealing with time away from your children can be one of the hardest things for both parents. Your children may face different rules in their other home, along with new people and unfamiliar routines.
What happens when your little people aren’t with you? You have no control over it, so you need to let go of that, which can be challenging for some women. Then, to figure out what to do with the time by yourself? Look at the flip side, what fun can you get up to in that time to fill up your cup?
9. You'll learn when it's time to compromise
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Compromise is what I mean. Maybe you’ve had to compromise on a few things, like who gets the house or the car, who lives where, and who does what. There is generally no ‘fair’ ground in divorce, only what is seen as equitable by the law. When you let go of the resistance, the push and pull of the tug-of-war, there is no more war. Maybe there is more peace?
10. Forgiveness can help you let go of some of the pain
We master the art of forgiveness so that the peace we are looking for has room to reside in our bodies, minds, souls, and hearts. We let go of anger, choose to be the bigger person, take some emotional control, and find our inner happiness.
11. You really can start over
Life begins again. In time, you’ll be ready. You’ll get out there and experience all the fun, the things you never did, and tick off bucket list items. You’ll get more social and live the life you are meant to have.
Divorce may shake your confidence, change your family, and force you to rebuild parts of your life you thought were settled. None of that means you have something to be ashamed of.
You're still worthy of love, connection, and happiness, even if your marriage didn't last forever. Ending one chapter doesn’t make you a failure. It means you survived something painful and now have the chance to decide what comes next.
Renee Catt is a certified business and personal coach, a nationally accredited mediator with a diploma in Dispute Resolution, and the leading female relationship coach in Australia, specializing in separation and divorce issues.
