5 Things Unsuccessful Couples Blindly Believe About Marriage
Believing these myths can keep couples stuck in unhealthy patterns.
Stockbusters | Canva Every couple wants their marriage to thrive, but some widely accepted beliefs about relationships can undermine the very connection partners are trying to create.
Some would argue these misconceptions often seem logical or romantic on the surface, but they can prevent couples from developing the healthy practices that strong marriages need to thrive. Recognizing these patterns offers an opportunity to build relationships on more solid, sustainable foundations.
Here are five things unsuccessful couples blindly believe about marriage:
1. Spend your money how you want
When it comes to a girls' night out or a tech shopping spree, you may hear the advice that you only need to share what you spend with your spouse if you want to — and that the purchases you keep to yourself won't hurt him or her.
But keeping your spending a secret could lead to financial fights and a partner who feels blindsided, warns Jane Greer, Ph.D., a relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. "It undermines your working together as a couple, making joint financial decisions while leaving room for individual needs as well."
2. Never go to bed angry
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We've all heard that it's never a good idea to go to bed angry with your spouse. But while this sounds great in theory, Bash says that "sometimes an argument or issue can't be resolved quickly."
So rather than suppress genuine emotions, Bash recommends, "it can sometimes be better to get some shut-eye and readdress the problem with a fresh, clear perspective. Often, sleeping on the problem helps you realize what's worth holding onto."
Research suggests that the idea of never going to bed angry, while well-intentioned, can be detrimental to relationships. It can lead to rushing through conflicts, masking deeper issues, and disrupting sleep, which negatively impacts both physical and mental well-being.
3. Always listen to your mother-in-law
This advice may come straight from the horse's — err, mother-in-law's — mouth. And while it's smart to be open and receptive to what your new family member has to say and how she feels, "don't always listen to her demands because you may start to feel resentful and controlled by her," warns Greer.
Beyond that, don't bend to how she wants you to spend your time. "You may grow resentful about spending more time with that person's family than your own," she says. "You can also feel upset at not having enough alone time together with your partner."
While maintaining respectful relationships with your in-laws is important, establishing healthy boundaries and prioritizing the couple's autonomy is crucial for a healthy marriage. Research suggests that couples who experience high levels of conflict with in-laws, particularly mothers-in-law, are more likely to experience marital distress and divorce.
4. Your kids should always come first
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Many new mothers feel guilt-tripped by family, friends, and even a society that says children should always come first. Bash says, "and that any parent that ever considers putting their marriage — or, heaven forbid, herself — first is a selfish narcissist."
But the truth, she says, "is that having a strong, happy marriage will always make a child feel safe and secure. Of course, we need to think of our kids and their needs.
But if the marriage is suffering because we pay all our attention to our kids at the expense of our spouse, then the whole family will suffer. We need to learn to have time for our spouse, our kids, and ourselves."
While prioritizing children is natural, consistently placing them above the marital relationship can negatively impact the couple and, indirectly, the children themselves. Children learn about healthy relationships by observing their parents. One study suggested that if they witness constant conflict or a lack of affection between their parents, it can negatively impact their future relationship skills.
5. If you're unhappy, leave your marriage
When your marriage isn't as you envisioned it would be and you find your mind wandering toward the D word, your friends and family may give you a final push with the advice, "Don't stay if you're unhappy." Greer says that the feeling of wanting to leave a marriage is natural — something almost all couples feel at one point or another, especially after a heated fight.
"However," she says, "that doesn't mean your marital problems can't be solved. Encouraging someone to leave versus getting help is encouraging them to simply act on their anger."
Jillian Kramer is an award-winning storyteller. She's been featured in Food and Wine, Glamour, SELF, Brides, and Women's Health Magazine.
