4 Habits That Make It Seem Like Someone Doesn't Care, But Are Just Life With An ADHD Partner
Four major problems and four solid solutions.
Cast Of Thousands via Shutterstock If you have a partner with ADHD, you probably love spending time together and talking for hours. But sometimes, things irk you. You know your partner wants to see you, but you struggle to understand why it's so hard to make it happen — at least after the first few weeks or months. Why do they get so distracted? Do they not care?
Your partner cares, but you don’t understand why they forget things. You know your partner wants to connect, but you don’t understand why there are so many communication challenges. The good news? It's not just you, and it's not just them. It's a clinical diagnosis, not a personality glitch.
1. Hyper-focusing on their partner at the beginning of the relationship
In their book, Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder, Dr. Edward Hallowell and Dr. John Ratey define ADHD as a "neurological syndrome whose classic defining triad of symptoms include impulsivity, distractibility, and hyperactivity or excess energy."
Partners with ADHD may hyperfocus on their partners. At the beginning of your relationship, hyper-focusing keeps partners engaged and motivated to see each other. You might like your partner's attention and the ability to make you feel special. This can come in both healthy and unhealthy forms, so it's important to be aware of the various dynamics at play.
As the relationship progresses, since the partner with ADHD has difficulty regulating their attention and is drawn to novel and new experiences, their attention on the relationship might wane.
What to do about: Be aware that this is a common issue for couples in which one partner has ADHD, and try to understand the shift in attention is not because you are less interesting, but because you are now a comfortable feature of their life.
2. High sensitivity to criticism
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Research has shown that people with ADHD are sensitive to criticism in general, but this likely goes double for things they've long been shamed or blamed for. For example, forgetting things, losing their keys, being late for appointments, and not picking up items at the store.
They may blame their partner for many of the issues in the relationships, such as losing a job due to issues of procrastination, not following through or meeting deadlines, not carrying their weight in the relationship, or the relationship not being fair and balanced. It's important to realize that these feelings come from within them, and, like in all good relationships, you should look at your own role in the issue objectively while also understanding that the partner with ADHD frequently holds a lot of shame around their mistakes and challenges in their life and relationships.
The shame and blame situation likely leaves them feeling worthless and viewing themselves as defective, less than, or not good enough.
What to do about it: The partner with ADHD needs to learn ways to accommodate these challenges. As a couples therapist that counsels couples with ADHD, I highly recommend ADHD coaching or therapy to learn coping strategies to improve daily and executive functioning.
The other partner would benefit from learning about the ADHD experience to better understand their partner’s struggles, too.
3. Forgetfulness, interruptions, and jumping topic-to-topic
When partners with ADHD can’t remember what they were going to say, impulsively interrupt, jump from topic to topic, the other partner can feel frustrated and irritated by these behaviors. It may feel like they don't even know why they're in the conversation if it's just going to be about the other person.
Studies have shown that ADHD is linked with many different types of memory impairment, which means your ADHD partner may have difficulty following the thread of the conversation, especially in a crowded room or with distractions, such as cell phones. This is not unique to your partner and is likely not about you or your value to them.
You may notice that their thoughts are expressed in a disorganized fashion. They may jump from one topic to another and you may have difficulty understanding what they are trying to say, no matter who they are talking to.
What to do about it: The partner with ADHD is not trying to disrupt the conversation or cause upset, but they need to learn ways to slow down (which is not an easy task) and listen to their partner.
Before this communication problem occurs again, ask your partner if you can handle this situation by practicing active listening together. Here's how it works:
- One partner will speak (called the speaker) and the other partner is going to listen (called the listener).
- The listener will take notes on what the speaker is saying. When the speaker is finished sharing their thoughts, then the listener can summarize what they heard the speaker say. Then you switch roles.
- The speaker should share their thoughts for no longer than five minutes (set a timer if you need to) because it may be difficult for the listener to focus for more than five minutes.
You can always switch back and forth a few times. Try to keep your ideas succinct though. Taking notes on what your partner is saying and this time limit can help the listener focus on the conversation.
4. High distractibility
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If you are trying to talk and a partner with ADHD keeps looking away or has difficulty following the conversation, you may sometimes feel rejected, abandoned, or unloved by these behaviors. When you try to bring up your feelings, your partner may feel triggered by old shame and react poorly.
A person with ADHD may also feel frustrated by how others perceive their distraction. After all, they don't know another way to be, and simply saying "stop being so distracted" may leave them wondering how you expect them to do that. Ultimately, they may feel misunderstood and misrepresented.
What to do about it: You need to put away the cell phones and turn off the television or music or any other distractions. Yes, that goes for you as the non-ADHD partner. You may think you're better at multi-tasking than your ADHD partner, but it will just come across as hypocrisy and double standards.
If you're parents and thinking that you can’t turn off your kids, then if you have children who are interrupting your conversation. You may need to ask them to wait, go into another room, or have the conversation when the kids are not around.
Sometimes sitting close to your partner and having direct eye contact (this is not a staring contest) may help with the distractions, too. Some people with ADHD talk best with something to fiddle with in their hands or while holding your hands or being hugged/held.
ADHD does not have to negatively impact your relationship, but you will need to understand the challenges and issues to be able to address them.
All couples have communication problems, but when you have a partner with ADHD, you need to learn more effective methods of solving your communication problems.
Lisa Rabinowitz, LCPC is a licensed counselor and a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist and PACT Level 3 who works with couples to develop more secure attachment styles for healthy, happy relationships.
