5 Things The Happiest Couples Never Do, Even When They’re Really, Really Mad At Each Other
We all get mad. It's how we handle it that matters.
Antoni Shkraba Studio | Pexels If you never get mad at your partner, you're either lying or you haven't been together long enough to become irrationally outraged over the way they load the dishwasher. The fact is, all couples fight, even the ones in the happiest relationships. The difference is in how they handle those moments of being really mad at each other. In a happy relationship, mutual respect should remain constant, even when the wet towels never seem to make it to the hamper. That way, when the dust settles, you can still see your partner as someone who loves you deeply and chooses respect over being right.
According to therapist Dr. Michelle Maidenberg, the happiest couples know how to get mad at each other without it ruining the relationship. In a recent video, she shared five important rules couples never break, even when the proverbial [redacted] is about to hit the fan, that keep their love alive and thriving.
Even when they are hopping mad, the happiest couples never make these 5 mistakes:
1. They don't spill secrets
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"No venting to friends," Dr. Maidenberg said, "no exposing each other's flaws for laughs." She emphasized the need to keep the secrets your partner tells you "sacred." You should treat their vulnerability like a gift, not gossip.
If you're stressing because you just called your bestie for a vent session about your boyfriend's bad habit of losing his keys and asking you every other day where they are, that's not what Dr. Maidenberg was talking about. She meant the vulnerable moments that you know your partner would be hurt if they were shared with others. When in doubt, ask yourself if what you're telling your friends is something you would tell them if your partner were seated at brunch with you.
This idea is supported by what experts call Communication Privacy Management Theory, developed by communication researcher Sandra Petronio. In its simplest terms, people see themselves as the owners of their private information and want control over who has access to it. When someone shares a secret, the person they tell becomes a kind of “co-owner” of that information. If that co-owner shares the secret without permission, it's a breach of trust.
It can often go beyond that, too, however. As dating coach Nick Notas explained, all you're doing by venting to others or spilling vulnerable information about your partner to your friends is avoiding the root of the conflict. The person you should be talking to is your partner. It's as simple as that.
2. They don't ignore each other's emotional blind spots
“If one is anxious in crowds, the other stays close,” Dr. Maidenberg said. “If one spirals after criticism, the other softens the delivery.” She explained that in a healthy relationship, you naturally adjust to your partner, not out of obligation, but out of care.
Every single one of us struggles in some way, and the beauty of a supportive relationship is knowing that there's a person in the world who knows your weaknesses and helps set you up for success. When your husband struggles with small talk, help him break the ice. Pretending he doesn't have a fear of talking to strangers doesn't bolster his confidence; it makes him retreat into the fear.
This ties back to what American psychologist Dr. John M. Gottman believes, which is that you need to understand your feelings. For instance, Dr. Maidenberg explained that a partner should adjust to the other’s emotional needs. But first, one partner needs to identify their own emotional needs so they can communicate them to the other. This is exactly what Dr. Gottman supported. Understanding yourself comes before understanding each other.
3. They don't multitask when it's time to listen
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“They give each other their full attention,” Dr. Maidenberg said. “No phones, no multitasking, just being fully present when the other is speaking.” She explained it’s essential to be engaged when your partner is talking to show you genuinely care.
If communication is integral to fostering connection, then active listening is an equally important part of the equation. As relationship expert Esther Perel sagely explained, "No matter the type of relationship — romantic, platonic, familial, or collegial — actively showing that we are listening to the other person validates their experience and their vulnerability. It’s not enough to say 'I’m hearing you.' Whether we are sharing a story, a grievance, a need, a want, or even a desire, nothing makes us feel more deeply connected than when we are engaged in a healthy balance of thoughtful speaking and hardcore listening."
4. They don't assume the worst
Dr. Maidenberg emphasized the importance of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt in happy relationships. “When something feels off,” she said, “they don’t assume the worst. They ask, ‘Are you okay?’ instead of jumping to, ‘What’s wrong with you?’”
This idea is supported by psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein. Writing for Psychology Today, he explained that “people in satisfying, fulfilling relationships give each other the benefit of the doubt.” He added that this kind of response “conveys trust and appreciation,” and that when you do so, your partner will feel closer to you and more valued.
5. They don't hide their ugliest thoughts
“The happiest couples aren't perfect,” Dr. Maidenberg said, “but they create a space where they can say, ‘I'm feeling insecure today.’” She explained that a partner should feel comfortable enough to share when something has made them feel bad, without shame or being shut down.
The takeaway from Dr. Maidenberg’s insights and the expert-backed research is clear: a healthy relationship requires respect, active listening, and emotional safety. It’s essential to show your love whenever you can and to avoid the kinds of behaviors that damage trust or connection. In the end, to be truly loved, you must lead with love and respect.
Matt Machado is a writer studying journalism at the University of Central Florida. He covers relationships, psychology, celebrities, pop culture, and human interest topics.
