12 Specific Signs Of A Man Who Will Emotionally Drain You
How to know if you're in love with a toxic, emotionally exhausting man.
Dikushin Dmitry | Shutterstock Relationships are supposed to be fun and filled with love, but if your boyfriend or husband is showing some red flags that have you worried, it might be time to figure out how to end the relationship. If you're seeing these specific signs of a man who will emotionally drain you in your relationship, the man you've fallen for is a whole lot more toxic than you realize.
Do you go from happy to sad at the drop of a hat? Have you stayed up late asking your friends for advice about your man's unpredictable behavior? Does he shift from hot to cold in an instant? If you found yourself nodding to these questions, it’s time to consider the strong possibility that you're in a relationship with an emotionally draining man. Recognizing these signs can help you determine when it's time to leave a toxic relationship.
Here are 12 signs you're in love with an emotionally draining person:
1. You make excuses for his behavior
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When he lets you down, you tell yourself (or worse, your friends and family) the most seemingly logical reasons why: "He's tired." "He was busy at work."
But deep down, you know better. His behavior sucks, and you’re doing your best to rationalize and explain it away.
2. His attention feels like a intoxicating
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When he shows you attention, you feel happy. When he lets you down for the twenty-third time this month, his withdrawal hits you right in the gut.
If he's running hot, you can relax a little, but watch out when he goes cold. Your emotions hinge on his actions in an unhealthy way. Research indicates that such emotional dependency can mimic addiction, leading to withdrawal symptoms and impaired emotional regulation.
3. He tosses you emotional crumbs
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One night, he may stand you up completely, then text you the next day happily, as if nothing happened.
You might have no luck getting a response one day, but the next day, he's completely on top of the communication. He has a hard time committing to making time for you.
You feel like you’re dead last on his priority list.
4. He regularly flakes on you
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You’ve come to realize that all plans with him are “tentative,” since he only comes through for you some of the time. According to research, this pattern can often bring about more uncertainty and emotional frustration, making things feel even more challenging.
5. He makes you feel crazy or 'unhinged'
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When the other person goes hot and cold, your emotions cycle from downright bliss to abject depression. A little bit of attention from him is enough to make you wonder if you’re going off the deep end.
The crumbs of his attention and his lame excuses for his behavior are enough to make you wonder if it’s all in your head.
6. He insists you do everything to his impossible standards
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You might not even know what his standards are, but it feels like whatever you do is wrong. He's critical of the efforts that you make, even in good faith. The relationship feels difficult — a dynamic that can lead to dissatisfaction if the relationship is not strong.
7. You feel like you have to chase him to get your needs met
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Because he doesn’t have your best interests at heart (or even vaguely on his mind), getting appreciation, encouragement, or even acknowledgment is an uphill battle.
He may make vague promises, but more often than not, he doesn't keep them.
8. He doesn't ever ask about you
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He doesn’t seem to want to know much about you. Your conversations are deep and wonderful (because he managed to hook you in the first place).
But over time, it becomes clear that he doesn’t seem to take much interest in you, except maybe when you’re in his immediate company.
9. When you need him, he's always busy
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Need a favor? When someone is unreachable or comes up with a weak excuse for not helping, it can make you feel neglected and less satisfied in your relationship. Remember, open communication really matters.
10. He's extremely selfish
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It feels like you’re constantly dancing to the beat of his drum rather than the other way around. When given the choice between doing something nice for you or himself, you suspect he’d choose himself every time — a pattern often seen in individuals with narcissistic traits, who prioritize personal gain over mutual care.
11. He's disrespectful and uses mean humor to insult you
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Jerks make mean jokes at your expense. He might call you a mean-spirited pet name like “the ball and chain," or even a curse word.
When you get offended and speak up about his disrespect, he will try to claim that it was all a joke. Even worse, he might accuse you of being the sensitive one. He may tone it down for a while, but over time, his disrespect keeps creeping back into your interactions.
12. He uses how 'damaged' he is to excuse his poor behavior
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As a fun, zany hybrid of excuse-making, he blames his shabby relationship behavior on “being damaged,” “previous bad relationships,” “not being sure how to love again,” and/or “having trust issues" — a pattern that often leads to perceptions of unreliability and narcissism.
If he's particularly jerky, he’ll resort to sob stories and let you feel sorry for him and make up your excuses.
This is probably the case if you find yourself thinking, "All I have to do is show him kindness. He's been through so much." This makes you want to heal his broken wing by being particularly forgiving.
The worst part about this is that while you’re “being understanding,” he's learning just how much he can get away with.
Elizabeth Stone is an author, dating coach, and personal development coach who helps women restore themselves to improve their relationships.
