4 Simple Ways To Keep Your Marriage Affair-Free And Deeply Connected, According To A Marriage Counselor
Connection is key.
Curated Lifestyle | Unsplash As a marriage counselor who works with couples all over the world, I help couples recover and transform their marriage to help reduce the chance of an affair and prevent the building of resentment.
Examining the factors contributing to affairs is futile. To affair-proof your marriage, a couple must stay deeply connected, and a bleak outlook doesn’t help a couple remain connected. Research from the American Psychological Association indicated that relationship connection is enhanced by being mindful of individual well-being, emotional intelligence, intimacy, empathy, and stress responses.
Here are 4 simple ways to keep your marriage affair-free and deeply connected, according to a marriage counselor:
1. Accept that no one's immune to temptation — and talk about it
We are all vulnerable, and it can happen to any couple. More often than not, it comes down to needs not being met.
If there is any amount of frustration, hurt, or resentment about our needs not being met over time, and someone comes along and offers us those needs, we will be tempted.
Whether it's attention, affection, intimacy, engaging conversation, care, or protection, if we feel we are lacking it, we become resentful. If someone else offers what we are lacking, even those with the strongest willpower may crack — only if they are not aware we are all vulnerable.
It may sound strange, but awareness is the first key to protecting your marriage.
Often, the person someone has an affair with is never someone they could see themselves with long-term. It’s a case of filling their unmet needs being offered. Once you are aware of what you need and what your partner needs, you can set about meeting those needs.
Some people say to me, "Nicola, I would never cheat." That may be so, but my experience has taught me that in certain circumstances and conditions, anyone is susceptible.
2. Show up for your partner with the 4 As: Attention, Affection, Appreciation, and Admiration
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They will reciprocate, and the impact of this is massive. One person has the power to transform a marriage. Focus on turning these 4 A’s into actions you take daily.
Make it a habit to greet your partner when they come home. Kiss and cuddle them every morning and night before you say goodbye or goodnight. Ask them how they are and listen, give them your undivided attention, no phones, TV, or other distractions.
Express and show appreciation for their unique qualities, not just a "thank you" or "you’re great". Be specific about what is special about them. A 2019 study of the effects of showing appreciation to a spouse found "gratitude, directly and indirectly, through increased optimism, is associated with higher marital satisfaction."
Admire them. We love and need to be admired by our partner. It makes us want to be around them more. If we feel criticized, not good enough, or not respected, we will want to avoid our partner.
Make an effort to do this, especially if you're spending time apart. If one of you travels a lot for business, make sure the first 4 hours you or they return home, you give each other undivided attention, affection, and appreciation. This will set a positive, loving tone for the rest of your weekend or week.
It’s loving actions, not talking about problems, that can save a marriage and help prevent a cheating husband or wife.
3. Don't play with fire — protect your boundaries early
The best thing you can do for your marriage if you feel yourself getting close to someone inside or outside of work is to pull away and avoid being alone with that person. Ideally, only see them in group settings and decline any one-on-one invitations to protect your marriage.
Another thing that works well is to bring your spouse along to meet them or invite them over for dinner with your spouse. It will change how you interact, and that is a good thing if flirting has been going on.
Some married men and women end up avoiding the person. While that may seem a bit extreme, are your marriage and family worth protecting? Most people say "yes", especially those who have cheated.
You need to be honest with yourself; if you do this, your spouse won’t need to control you. Controlling each other doesn’t work; monitoring each other’s phone, social media, and whereabouts will drive you further away.
A study of dual-earner couple, boundary management, and gender explained how "Coupled individuals are rarely aware that their boundary management behaviors may affect the well-being of their partner’s as well as their own," and it is "worthwhile for couples to assess their partner’s boundary management preferences and behaviors and to examine how their family unit’s roles and responsibilities can best be met."
4. Use your fantasies as a wake-up call, not a warning sign
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If you do find yourself fantasizing about what it might be like to be with someone else, look for what the fantasy could be telling you about your relationship.
- Could it be a signal you need more attention, affection, or a more fulfilling intimate life?
- Is it highlighting that something is missing?
- Can it give you clues of what you and your partner could work on to be happier?
Analyze your thoughts and see what you can learn from them. Our thoughts often teach us how we wish we were with our partner. Psychologist Barbara L Fredrickson explained, "When people open their hearts to positive emotions, they seed their own growth in ways that transform them for the better." Then, you can use the information to increase the love, passion, and happiness in your marriage.
To reconnect, you need to focus on their needs, and they will reciprocate.
I recommend you first ask them how they view the relationship and what you could do to make them happier. This open approach, if done well, can spark transformation and a new era for your marriage.
Connection is key.
It is important to note that couples who socialize together and stay connected when a spouse is absent thrive. In contrast, other couples who lead separate lives tend to suffer a loss of connection, which can make them more vulnerable to affairs happening.
Nicola Beer is a marriage transformation specialist, founder of the Save My Marriage Program, and the author of 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage.
