5 Simple Ways To Argue With Your Spouse Without Bringing Up Stuff From 2017
Camand | Shutterstock Couples’ communication can be incredibly subtle and quick. When a series of irritable interactions happens, you wish you and your partner could calm down and talk. Couples have a special sense for the smallest cue of a potential negativity, and once things heat up, it's hard to calm down. The tiniest sniff, shift, or smirk can enrage a partner, even if it has nothing to do with them.
Sometimes it takes next to nothing to bug your partner. When the energy between you is so reactive, no productive conversation can happen. That's where a few couples therapy techniques can help hit the reset button, calm things down, and help you move forward without dragging the fight any further.
Here are 5 simple ways to argue with your spouse without bringing up stuff from 2017:
1. Slow yourself down before saying the thing you'll regret
Research shows that slowing your breathing helps calm your nervous system and makes it easier to think clearly. So if you can, pause for a moment during an argument and stop yourself before saying the next thing.
Let your partner know you need a second to collect yourself. I realize this is easier said than done, but if you can agree to a safe escape plan before you get into an argumentative mood, you will both understand it is a good calming tool rather than a way to avoid or disregard the other.
2. Accept that you might be part of the problem too
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Every part of you probably believes it is your partner's fault. But for just a second, take a breath and accept you might have a little bit to do with the interactions you are having. Trust me, when you own 100 percent of your part in a relationship, you’ll have a lot more power over what happens within it.
After you’ve slowed down and shifted your attention inward, you open the possibility to learn from whatever is happening. Now learning something about yourself has become your "win".
3. Remember that you still love the person you're arguing with
If it's genuinely possible, offer your partner a gift: patience, curiosity, or compassion. I don’t care which one, as long as you can sincerely feel even a tiny bit of any of these characteristics.
Here are a few of the ways you could approach it:
- "I see you are hurting. I'm calmer now and can get a little curious about what is most hurtful for you."
- "I feel a little stuck and frustrated when I really just want to feel loved and understood. I imagine you might feel the same way. Let’s try to get on the same side."
- "I feel really confused right now, by both of our emotions. How about we take a few moments when I can get clear about what I need and open up to hear more about your thoughts as well?"
- "I’m sorry. This is a familiar fight we’re in. I bet you feel it too. I love you, you know."
- "Listen, I’m a little upset, and I can see you’re feeling some strong feelings too. Maybe we hit a nerve, huh?"
The Gottman Institute advised, "Knowing how your partner receives love and what they need to repair from conflict is like having a secret weapon tailored just to them and their happiness. Of course, simply making a good repair attempt doesn’t ensure success. It’s also incumbent upon the other spouse to recognize and accept the attempt. Both spouses need to do the work toward dissolving negativity and, when possible, resolving conflict."
4. Pay attention to what's getting activated inside you
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When you have a second to yourself, take a deep, calming breath and notice what you feel like in your body or what you hear yourself say in your mind. I encourage you to create enough space from this feeling to perceive it as a part of you, rather than the whole. This part of you needs some loving care. If, for example, you say your partner is being “selfish,” rather than focusing on your partner’s selfishness, focus on the part of you that feels harmed by selfishness.
What is the pain this part of you feels? Sometimes parts of us hold deep feelings about not being acceptable or enough. You might feel deeply disappointed and unloved or unlovable.
A lot of our relationship patterns start early. Consultant Ruth Schimel, Ph.D., points out that the first relationships we witness, even if they weren’t our parents, can leave impressions that stick with us and shape what we expect, want, and worry about as adults.
Don't be surprised if you start to feel younger when you look at these deeper parts of yourself. Noticing the age you feel can offer clues about when those hurt feelings first took root.
It may feel easier to be angry and blame them for these feelings. However, what you learn about the parts of you that hold these deeper sensations will create a springboard for improved communication and self-confidence. This is the gift of conflict — not how we can change the other but what we can learn about ourselves.
5. Share once you're calm enough to be honest
After you do all of this, you now have genuine options about how to move forward. When your body is calmer, your mind can think more clearly, which makes it easier to talk about your feelings without shame. And when you notice the younger, more reactive parts of yourself showing up, you’re better able to respond in a grounded, present way instead of letting the argument run the show.
From there, you can choose what feels kindest for both of you. You might ask to share what's coming up for you, or invite your partner to do the same. When a couple can slow down and get curious about what is happening inside themselves instead of staying defensive, they often realize they're actually wanting the same thing.
Take a moment and imagine you both want the same thing — to be heard and loved — but you've been going about it in the wrong way. At first, you will feel very awkward, but see if you can practice together with a little humor and lightheartedness. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship, let’s face it, you’ve probably practiced arguing plenty. Why not give a calm connection a try?
Ingrid Helander is a marriage and family therapist helping people who suffer from insecurity, doubt, impossible communication patterns, and overwhelming stress.
