The Art Of Being Secure: 7 Simple Habits Of The Most Naturally Secure Couples
Secure couples share certain behaviors that make their bond resilient.
Sofia Shultz Photography | Canva Finding a person to live out your days with can be a beautiful thing. But as time goes on and we connect on a deeper level, our attachments can be toxic and dysfunctional or healthy and uplifting. So, we must choose a mate whose attachment style is compatible with our own.
There are four attachment styles: secure, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized. They are formed in childhood and grow stronger as we progress through life, eventually affecting how you see and respond to your partner. People with a secure attachment style tend to have the best relationships.
A TikToker who goes by Therapist Jeff shared seven characteristics that let you know when a couple is securely attached. His list was inspired by renowned relationship expert, Dr. Sue Johnson, author of The Attachment Theory. Dr. Johnson has spent years researching the science of attachments and bonding in close relationships.
Here are 7 simple habits of the most naturally secure couples:
1. They're accessible
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Couples who have a secure attachment style are “totally there for each other,” according to Therapist Jeff. They are open, receptive, and responsive to each other’s needs and willing to lend an ear or allow their partner to cry on their shoulder when they need to.
Studies examining attachment behaviors in couples have confirmed that accessibility, along with responsiveness and engagement, plays a crucial role in creating and maintaining secure attachment bonds between romantic partners. This emotional reprocessing creates a shift away from hostility and avoidance toward increased accessibility and responsiveness.
2. They're responsive
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“They’ve got each other’s backs, empathizing with and validating each other’s emotions,” Therapist Jeff told viewers. These couples comfort and support one another during tough times, giving each other the strength they need to overcome the challenges that come up.
According to Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emotional responsiveness is the key ingredient in a secure loving bond. When partners demonstrate this level of attentiveness to each other's emotional needs, they create a foundation of trust and safety that allows their relationship to thrive even during difficult moments.
3. They're emotionally engaged
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Engaging emotionally means that these partners are comfortable expressing their emotions openly and honestly. They are able to be transparent because they don’t fear their mate’s reaction. The ability to share their emotions build a deeper connection.
Studies have demonstrated that individuals who express their emotions more generally report greater well-being, while emotion regulation strategies like suppression have been associated with lower marital quality and increased thoughts about relationship dissolution. The ability to share their emotions builds a deeper connection.
4. They're effective communicators
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Jeff explains that couples with a secure attachment are “pros at talking about and resolving conflicts in a positive way”. He says that they don’t create drama and express their feelings, needs, and desires freely because they are not worried about rejection or criticism.
Couples with secure attachment styles excel at navigating difficult conversations without the drama that often derails other relationships. Clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone, explains that the ability to be open and truthful with a partner is a sign of trust and security in the relationship, noting that feeling comfortable enough to disclose something vulnerable or meaningful is indicative of the relationship's strength.
5. They're trusting
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Without trust, there is nowhere for a relationship to go. Therapist Jeff says that securely attached couples know that they can rely on each other emotionally and physically. “They know they’ve got a rock-solid support system in their relationship,” he explains.
Studies reveal that trust is essential for establishing stable and fulfilling romantic relationships, with securely attached individuals showing significantly higher levels of interpersonal trust compared to those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles. This mutual reliability creates couples with secure attachment who report higher relationship satisfaction and demonstrate confidence that support is available to them both emotionally and physically.
6. They're safe
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Safety is another important factor in the relationships between people with a secure attachment style. “These couples feel safe and secure in their relationships, knowing they share a strong, stable bond that can weather any storm,” the therapist clarified.
Mental health counselor Teresa Maples-Zuvela explains that most couples come to therapy wanting help because they are feeling unsafe emotionally or have experienced some form of betrayal of trust. Safety and developing a secure bond in the relationship can be encouraged by building an emotional connection with your partner.
7. They're flexible
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The ability to adapt to unforeseen changes and tackle problems as a team is key to developing a secure attachment between couples. They are flexible and can adjust to the highs and lows of life while staying closely connected and working together.
Your and your partner’s attachment styles can make or break the relationship. When couples have negative attachment styles, they can kill the relationship. A partner with an anxious attachment style might have low self-esteem, be hyper-focused on their partner, be filled with anxiety when they are away from each other, fear abandonment, and be so needy that it pushes their mate away.
In order for two people to attach to one another in a way that makes each of them feel secure in the relationship, they must each be secure in their own rights. Each partner must be healed from past relationship traumas that may have scarred them. They must be whole, healthy, healed, and ready to experience the best that the relationship has to offer.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
