8 Signs Of A Miserable Wife Married To A Narcissistic Husband, According To Psychology
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock A covert narcissist husband doesn't always reveal himself right away; rather, he love bombs, then reveals his true self later down the line. And, unfortunately, many wives often show how miserable they are by silencing themselves, choosing to purposely shut their mouths and turn inward to protect themselves.
Unhappy wives who silence themselves to appease narcissistic husbands often show these signs:
1. They feel numb and indifferent
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The constant emotional abuse has left you feeling disconnected from yourself and everything around you. As narcissistic abuse recovery coach Danish Bashir described it, "This relentless cycle has left her numb, not just towards her partner, but towards the world. She has stopped expecting anything, and she just takes it one day at a time. She's hid her soul deep within, because she knows she can't be vulnerable; she can't be herself."
As a silent wife, you're living in pure survival mode, so you shut down to protect yourself. You've lost sight of what makes you feel like yourself, because you're so worn down. You avoid expressing how you feel because speaking your mind inevitably leads to conflict, and that conflict leads to you and your husband fighting, or him stonewalling you, until he's pushed you even deeper into your shell.
2. They've lost interest in the things they once loved
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The parts of life that once brought you joy no longer interest you. You've stopped caring about the things you used to care about, the things that made you feel whole. You feel broken, and you're putting all your energy into collecting the shattered pieces. Relationship therapist Nancy Carbone explained, "Somehow, you've come to believe that everything was your fault, and you've questioned your sense of self. It's easy to lose yourself when you're beaten down in a narcissistic relationship, especially if you defend yourself."
You keep your thoughts to yourself and suppress anything you might want. You don't want to enrage him by suggesting a restaurant for dinner or asking him to validate how you feel. You meet your own practical needs, and his, and feel yourself diminish. Your sense of self slowly diminishes until you've lost yourself completely. This loss of identity means you stop reading the books you love, you don't listen to your favorite songs, or do anything that might set your husband off. You stay in your confined, narrow lane, just to keep some semblance of peace.
3. They feel isolated from their favorite people
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A narcissistic husband often cuts you off from the people you love, forcing you to feel totally alone. You avoid calls from your sister, and you've lost touch with the friends you used to do monthly karaoke with. He's the only person in your orbit, and he reminds you that he's in control, either by giving you the silent treatment or exploding over some small thing you did wrong, in his eyes.
Relationship expert and educator Dr. Margaret Paul shared that the silent treatment "is a form of punishment, a way of attempting to control your partner or others into doing what you want them to do. It's a withdrawal of approval and can generate much fear in people who are vulnerable to this." Taking care of yourself in such a tense and hostile environment means "bringing love inside, letting yourself know that you are a good person and deserving of love.
4. They've given up trying to leave the relationship
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You're so defeated that you shut down to cope, because there's no other way to survive the emotional neglect and continuous manipulation. On the American Psychological Association's podcast, host Audrey Hamilton spoke with clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasala about her book, Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, asking, "How do we, or should we, stay in these relationships? I think most people would say if you're in a relationship with someone who is bad for you, you should leave. But you're saying that's not always possible."
Dr. Ramani shared that she looked at people caught in narcissistic relationships with a "compassionate and realistic lens," noting, "The fact of the matter is that relationships aren't that simple, are they? The bigger question becomes, what do you do? If you're never going to be enough, one thing you need to do is to stop exhausting yourself to try to be so. Every human being in the world comes into this world more than enough and exits this world more than enough. So that's got to be the central premise."
"The key then becomes managing your expectations," Dr. Ramani continued. "Nothing is ever going to be enough for the narcissist, and so it's really about being your best version of yourself for yourself, for your meaning, for your purpose, to live in line with that."
5. They focus all their energy on his needs
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All your energy goes to keeping him happy, which means folding yourself up smaller and smaller. Your life is all about him. Everything revolves around him, and it's your job to keep him from blowing up. Establishing any limits around what you can give often only makes things worse.
Dr. Ramani also spoke with author Mel Robbins, explaining, "Setting boundaries with narcissistic people is akin to hugging a porcupine: It's really a bad idea, and it's a fool's errand." She called boundary-setting with narcissists "a pointless endeavor; all it does is create more friction. Your better bet is to set an internal boundary because boundaries are an inside game."
Dr. Ramani shared that you should set boundaries but keep them to yourself, because telling your narcissistic husband that you're doing so will lead him to act out. This way, you can live your life without setting him of and keep yourself safe at the same time, too.
6. They feel powerless
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A vulnerable narcissist will manipulate your emotions in a subtle way, essentially gaslighting you to believe everything is your fault and you don't deserve love. He makes you feel like you have no control over your life because he's the one in control. Vulnerable narcissists share several traits with malignant narcissists, including extreme selfishness and a sense of entitlement. They're manipulative in every sense, and they'll weaponize your emotions against you, making you feel like you're powerless.
As Dr. Ramani explained, vulnerable narcissists "are people who are not actually always socially successful, but they think they deserve to be, they think they deserve more success, and they don't understand why somebody else had it so easy." Their insecurities manifest as having a fragile yet oversized ego, and they lash out whenever they feel personally attacked. Their anger overwhelms you and makes you feel like all your agency is gone.
7. They walk on eggshells so he won't explode
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You're always working around his potential rage, and when he inevitably does explode, you navigate the storm he's causing. You live in a constant state of stress and anxiety. You're hyper-vigilant around him, and existing in that state of chronic tension and fear takes a toll on your health and well-being. You can't relax, and you have trouble sleeping, even though you're always fatigued. You might get headaches or changes in your appetite. You're in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze, which has left you feeling totally dysregulated.
8. They constantly question their value
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His toxic behavior has pretty much destroyed your sense of self, and you begin to believe him when he tells you that you're not worth anything. You've internalized his negativity, and now, you think you'll never be enough.
Holistic dating coaches Orna and Matthew Walters shared the psychological reasons so many incredible women are drawn to narcissistic men. "At the beginning of the relationship, when he is love-bombing you, you'll feel overwhelmed by how much attention he is directing your way," they explained, but at some point, the mask will drop, and he'll reveal who he really is. He'll eventually turn on you and completely undermine your confidence. "This is a way of controlling you and keeping you under his sway. He knows he can turn his attention back to you anytime he needs to, and you'll respond accordingly."
Healing from narcissistic abuse isn't a linear or straightforward path, but with the right support in place, you can come back to yourself and live in a way that honors who you are.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
