6 Signs Someone's Attachment Style Is Acting As A Major Roadblock To Love
Overcoming this challenge is the key to freedom and love beyond measure.
Look Studio | Shutterstock We are hardwired to need people, and there is nothing wrong with that. For example, you might lean on or need your partner or spouse more during challenging times in your life. Sometimes, our attachment to others forms in an unhealthy way.
We can become stand-offish or overly clingy and quickly sour an otherwise good relationship. Being able to live in a relationship where you can support one another without clinging, controlling, or abandoning one another has much to do with your personality and attachment style.
6 signs someone's attachment style is acting as a major roadblock to love:
1. There is attachment anxiety
Insecure attachments can affect how needy they feel and behave. Psychologists used to think our attachment style was predominantly due to our upbringing, meaning the way we were cared for as a baby and in childhood determined our attachment style. However, we now know that it is only a piece of the puzzle.
In their book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine, M.D., and psychologist Rachel S.F. Heller explained that there are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Anxious attachment can create some of the biggest blocks to. love.
There are many resonating behaviors common to people with anxious attachment style.
2. They are worrying about love
In casual relationships, you might find you are not as needy, but when you find yourself in a romantic relationship, the tendency to be needy may rise to the top. Your relationship can become unhealthy, and you might find yourself feeling a bit out of control.
You worry about your partner's love and "search out" mannerisms and nuances that might indicate your partner doesn't love you.
3. They get emotionally overwhelmed
Being overly emotionally needy by being too demanding, clingy, annoying, and fragile can spell disaster for your relationship. Much of your energy is spent managing your own emotions around the relationship.
You are often emotionally overwhelmed and will reach out, needing your partner to make you feel secure, or constantly reminding them of how you feel.
4. They act too sensitive to minor things
You are insecure and overly sensitive to any slight. You tend to want to be very close to your partner and need great intimacy.
However, you fear your partner doesn't want to be as close as you want to be. Because of this fear, you find yourself being very sensitive to any changes in their behavior or small fluctuations in their mood.
5. They had inconsistent upbringing
You had parents (or a parent) who were inconsistently nurturing. This created an inner angst and turmoil that contributes to your anxiety, especially around relationships.
Clingy, anxious behavior leaves partners feeling emotionally tapped out and overwhelmed by the constant neediness. They feel worn out and may have expressed this to you. Yet, if you are anxious in your relationship, you do the very thing you know you shouldn't, and push your partner away.
But it’s like you cannot stop. In your mind, you might be screaming, "Stop doing this! Don't be so needy! Don't keep asking the same question!" but you cannot stop. You are drawn to these unhealthy behaviors like a moth to a flame.
Your behaviors are counterproductive, yet, in the moment, it seems like a good idea and feels so comforting for you.
Your partner experiences something very different. They are likely telling themselves to run because no matter how much they do, it just isn't enough for you. It never is. Your partner cannot encourage your growth, compliment you, or reassure you enough.
6. They answer yes to questions about being emotionally needy
- Do you look at your romantic partner to make you happy?
- Do you look to your partner to fulfill all of your needs?
- Do you look to your partner for constant reassurance and validation, and are you looking for others to make you feel good about yourself? And even if you get it, do you depend on it all the time?
- Do you feel abandoned if your partner isn't available? Are you afraid your partner won't be there for you when you need them?
- Do you get upset if your partner doesn’t react in a certain way or meet a certain need?
- Do you find it difficult to be alone, and when you are, do you do things to fill the void with other distractions or revisit past conversations, worrying that your partner might leave you?
- Is your relationship the center of your universe, and does it always take precedence over your relationship with other friends or family?
- Does it bother you if you are not included in your partner’s plans?
- Do you get jealous of things that your partner does without you?
If you answered yes to all or most of the questions above, the good news is you can overcome it and have a healthy, happy relationship. But first, you must come to terms with the realities of your anxious attachment style. Yes, this work can be done! Even the Gottman Institute agrees.
How to clear the anxious attachment roadblock and open up to love
The biggest challenge to people whose relationships end due to one partner's anxious attachment style is recognizing what role they play. It's easy to say everything is your partner's fault, but, as adults in adult relationships, it's key to take responsibility.
A few ideas for getting to the point of accountability: Try writing down some of the questions above in a journal. Revisit it after spending time with your partner (and especially after an argument) to see where things may have gone wrong. This can also help you come to terms with things you're not doing, as long as you are honest with yourself.
If you have an anxious attachment style, you will often present as more needy than others. Minimizing or denying your own needs causes you to look to others or your current partner to fill the emotional gaps and emptiness. And, if you are not careful, it can become manipulative.
Dr. Kristin Davin is a solution-focused clinical psychologist and relationship coach specializing in marriage, divorce, dating, and relationships.
