The Right Way To Flirt With A Guy (So You Land The Date)

You may have been flirting the wrong way your whole life.

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Understanding how to flirt with a guy can be tough, but learning the right flirting strategy is key to building self-confidence, and self-esteem, and landing that date. If you Google phrases like "flirting tips" and "how to flirt", you’ll pull up over 40 million articles on this topic alone. Why do so many people believe that being able to flirt well is an important part of the mating game? In part, it has to do with the personality traits that a master flirt projects:

  • Relaxed
  • Playful
  • Confident

Those are universally attractive and entrancing qualities, to be sure. But what if, instead, you feel:

  • Stressed out
  • Anxious
  • Insecure       

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That might well be our default starting point after a long week. Not a very flirtatious mindset, right? But don’t despair: you don’t have to wait until you feel relaxed to get your flirt on. Instead, learn how to flirt first and your confidence will follow. If that seems impossible, it may be because you’ve read one of those 40 million articles on flirting. Unfortunately, most of those tips mistakenly confuse flirtation with…well…desperately drawing attention to yourself to spark interest instead of building confidence and self-esteem in yourself. A couple of popular examples of really bad flirting tips aimed at women include:

  • "Accidentally" pressing your body against a man whom you’ve just met
  • Using intimately-charged language, whether in person or via text
  • Teasing that involves mildly insulting or mocking a man

You may be relieved to know that a true man magnet would not be caught dead doing any of those things. To learn how to be more confident and build confidence, you don’t need to stretch outside the bounds of "nice girl" socializing to engage with others flirtatiously — world-class flirting is much subtler.

To start, consider this motivation for flirting: People long to be seen and acknowledged. Flirtation is just a playful way of saying "I see you, and I like what I see." A truly great flirt seeks to spread joy among everyone she encounters. And in affirming others, you will ultimately empower yourself. My tips on flirting will help you embody the innocence and childlike playfulness of a truly world-class flirt. With that said, high-impact flirting involves doing these 5 things.

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This is the right way to flirt with a guy, so you land the date:

1. Be mysterious

Let him wonder what your motives are. Do you flirt with everyone or are you romantically interested in him? The answer should be deliciously unclear.


2. Don't have a set goal

Never flirt to get something, such as a man’s time or attention — that’s begging, and ultimately comes across as desperate. Simply enjoy the encounter as one of life’s simple pleasures. If he wants to take it further, then let him find a way to do so.

3. Be tasteful

Accomplished flirting can always take place in daylight, in full view of your nosy neighbors, your boss, or even your children.

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4. Be mostly non-verbal

The most memorable encounters you will ever have make good use of longer-than-normal eye contact, a softer tone of voice, and maybe a whisper of physical touch. A bland conversation about the weather can be an effective backdrop for non-verbal flirtation.

5. Affirm him

By "affirming," I don’t mean that you need to explicitly reassure or stroke the ego of your guy — you are not his mom or therapist. But a man should feel energized and awakened through his interaction with you — like he is Superman. The experience should be positive. Some women mistakenly believe that they should take the opposite approach and "stir up" a guy with sharp, negative, jokey comments.

Aggressively baiting him may give him the idea that you’re a hot little spitfire looking for action, but you’ve lost your aura of innocence and a chance to be more than superficial interest. Finally, don’t think of flirting as a way to approach a man; leave the initial approach to him. The very essence of flirtatiousness is that it doesn’t necessarily lead anywhere. A master flirt isn’t interested in a specific outcome — she just lives in the moment. Flirting is like breathing to her, and it is her joyfulness that draws others to her. 


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Robyn Wahlgast is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach with a career spanning several decades, she has dedicated her life to helping women navigate the complex world of dating and relationships.