9 Relationship-Fortifying Behaviors Most Women Neglect
As people become secure in love, they get lazy and don’t try as hard.
South_agency | Canva One theme that runs through conversations with people who are dissatisfied in their relationships is shock at who their lover is. The woman they met and fell in love with has disappeared. Now, the one they fell in love with is a stranger. This happens for two primary reasons.
The first is women often present themselves as someone other than their authentic selves at the beginning of relationships — chill, flexible, secure, and open intimately. The other person falls in love with someone who hasn't presented themselves as authentic, and that causes problems.
The second reason is human beings become complacent when we are secure. At the beginning of a relationship, we work hard to maintain it. As we become secure, we get lazy and don’t try so hard.
Both of those situations will destroy a relationship. Becoming complacent is the one you have the ultimate power to change!
Nine behaviors that strengthen relationships, but are often neglected over time
1. Continuing to be nice
This one should seem obvious, but it isn’t. Many women stop being nice to their partners.
Why? Well, it’s a vicious circle. A woman becomes disconnected from her partner either because of neglect or frustrations. Then they stop being kind and start being disdainful and passive-aggressive. This doesn’t improve anything, and the partner starts becoming more distant and inflexible, so they keep their head down, not wanting to be the receiver of their partner’s disdain.
Are you nice to your partner? Take a good look to see if you are nice, or not. You must do it!
2. Giving your person their freedom
Women are very good at doing this at the start of a relationship. But they seem to lose sight of its importance, especially if they have children.
Everyone needs the freedom to do what they enjoy, take time for themselves, and find happiness outside their relationship. Many women immerse themselves in the lives of their partners, often forsaking all else. When their partner wants to do something outside of the relationship, they feel threatened and often clingy. They guilt their person into staying, and their person gets resentful. Do you give your partner freedom?
3. Taking care of yourself
After my husband asked for a divorce, I made much more effort with my physical appearance. I hoped if I looked better, he would take me back. When he commented about the change, I realized I had stopped doing this in the 20 years of my marriage. I had become complacent and didn’t try anymore.
I am not saying a woman always needs to make an effort with makeup or sexy clothes. However, you do need to take care of yourself. You will be a happier person, and your partner will appreciate it.
4. Listening and hearing them
Many people aren’t very good at this anyway, and unfortunately, many women have particular trouble with it, especially when they are in a committed relationship.
Because they are trying to keep the peace, many people are willing to agree to whatever their lover wants to forsake their needs to keep the other person happy. Unfortunately, this makes one person think they are in charge and know best, and listening to her partner when they talk about their wants and needs is unnecessary.
But it’s not. Everyone wants to be heard. So, when your partner has something to say, stop, listen, and hear them. Respect is appreciated!
5. How nagging never works
Again, this is another thing people dissatisfied with their relationships complain about — their partners nag and nag and nag.
Don’t get me wrong, I know many people aren’t great at doing the things we ask them to do, and when they repeatedly don’t, we tend to get testy and nag. We also know nagging never really works. It might bring temporary change, but that is it.
If you find you are nagging in your relationship, stop. Think about how you can bring about change without nagging, as you do at work with an employee who isn’t doing their job. Sit down, address the issue, make a change plan, and move on.
Discussion is more effective than nagging to get things done and keep your relationship happy.
6. Being flexible about control
Women often think of themselves as bosses in a relationship, and because we are the boss, whatever we want goes. What we want, we get. Our partner’s needs be damned.
As a result, our partners feel caged in. When we aren’t willing to be flexible with our time or our needs, our partner will only feel resentful and frustrated. They are adults and should have some say in how their lives work.
So, pay attention to your flexibility in your relationship. Is this something that is part of it?
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7. Nuturing physicality
I know you are probably thinking I am talking about physical intimacy. Many women struggle with this, especially if a relationship is rocky!
No woman is obligated to be intimate with anyone just because they want it. Many women do it out of ‘duty,’ and this is not okay.
What is OK is to be willing to touch your partner. You can hold their hand, hug them, and cuddle on the couch. Many people have physical touch as their love language, and when their partner never touches them lovingly, they don’t feel loved and only feel neglected.
8. Letting go of the past
Is this you? Can you recount every little wrong that happened in your relationship? Do you bring those things up whenever there is an argument? Does your partner have no idea what you are talking about most of the time?
A critical part of maintaining a happy relationship is letting go of the past. Knowing what happened is what happened while harping on it over and over isn’t going to change what happened.
Couples must work to put an issue to bed and not shove it to the side, thinking they will work on it later. If a couple can do that, there will be no need to talk about ancient history because, hopefully, those things are no longer an issue!
9. Prioritizing a hectic life
Work. Kids. Friends. Exercise. Sleep. Extended family. All of these things are part of our everyday lives. And often, one (or more) of them have to give. Unfortunately, the thing that usually gives the most is our relationship.
Why? Because we have become complacent and assume it is strong enough to be put to the side.
This is why people have affairs and get divorced. Because being put to the side is a recipe for disaster.
A new client told me he and his wife never spend time together. There is just too much going on. When I encouraged him to do so, he pushed back hard. There was just no time.
We all know we make time for what is a priority. If keeping your relationship healthy is important, you will do it. It can just be small things. Date night, movies together, taking a walk, listening to what your partner needs, giving them the freedom to do what they want. Anything that will make you feel connected and prioritized.
You know I am right here. So, do it!
If you want to fix your relationship, and these things ring true, it’s time to change.
Remember, only you can change your behaviors — you can’t change someone else. If you want to see a shift in your relationship, you are the one who will make it happen. I am not saying only you can fix it, but you can take responsibility for your role in what is going on, and by doing so you are setting yourself up for success.
You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.