4 Reasons Couples Who Are Deeply In Love Never Block Each Other's Numbers, Even During A Big Fight
It feels like the best option in the moment, but you're the one that suffers.
AYA images via YourTango There are times when you need to block a number. We've all blocked a million junk numbers, and many of us have even had to block a former friend or maybe an ex. These are all legitimate reasons to use that block button. But blocking your currrent partner when you're angry? Not so much.
Not long ago I was talking with a client about a disagreement she had with her long-distance boyfriend. He found out that his job was being transferred to another location even further away, and after a particularly tense "discussion" with her, he got defensive.
Then she casually mentioned that she "blocked his number" in retaliation.
Blocking your partner during a fight is pure self-sabotage
"Hold the phone!" I said. "You blocked him?" She mentioned it so casually that clearly it was no big deal to her. In fact, when I asked her, she even admitted that it's a move she had pulled multiple times in the past, always unblocking eventually. She does it every time she's upset.
That's when I had to stop her.
I know blocking is common and can be a relief when someone is being irrational or making unhealthy choices like texting or calling incessantly or being cruel or unkind. If that's the case and happens multiple times, then blocking is just a band-aid, not a solution, and bigger issues need to be addressed.
But harassment wasn't the case in this situation, it was just tense. We talked about how it can be a huge form of self-sabotage that was costing her dearly over and over again in every relationship. The fact that she's used this strategy over and over again for years, without success, should have been a clue as to its ineffectiveness.
Four reasons couples who stay in love don't block calls, even in a fight
1. It's passive-aggressive.
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By disappearing and withholding contact, you're taking away the one and only shot you have at resolving the issue. This may seem like a good idea when you're hurting, but healthy relationships will never be touble-free. That's what makes resolution so important.
For my client, by punishing her guy with enforced silence, there was no way to initiate and sustain a productive dialogue that could have yielded a solution that was a win/win for both parties.
2. It prevents true authenticity
If no one is talking, that also means no one has an opportunity to just be vulnerable and speak from the heart. That means no one gets to speak their truth either, so the risk of false assumptions and misunderstandings is unnecessarily high.
No one has the opportunity to own their own role in the breakdown and not make the other party wrong. No one gets to hold a safe space for their partner to work out or heal an old wound that might get discovered.
3. It blocks intimacy
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When two people just get real and express their feelings without having to make any one else wrong, that's where the breakthroughs happen. That's when people bridge the gaps, get closer than ever and develop real, heartfelt understanding.
The client I mentioned at the beginning was certainly using blocking as a way to block intimacy. As she started to see how that might be the case, I asked her where she got the idea that cutting off communication might be a good strategy, and her answer kind of floored me.
Without missing a beat, she said it was something she started doing as a way to punish her Dad for not being there, or for falling short of what she hoped he would be for her. In that moment, a beautiful accomplished woman suddenly sounded like a hurt and disappointed little girl.
Nearly four decades later, my client was still working out her "daddy issues," and up until we started working together, she still wasn't entirely clear on what exactly she needed to heal. But now she knew: she used blocking not just as a punishment, but also as a self-protective tool so she wouldn't have to be disappointed when he failed to reply. In repeating that, she kept partners from showing up for her and creating real trust.
4. It forces you to play small
It stands to reason that if you don't step up and rise to the occasion in a way that makes you just a little bit uncomfortable — and, at the same time, very proud and satisfied — you've missed an opportunity for massive growth.
The truth is, the bigger the upset, the greater the opportunity for massive and rapid growth. That's because there are essentially two types of growth: evolutionary and revolutionary.
Evolutionary growth happens slowly over time, and when you stop many years later, you may notice the huge growth in the rear view mirror, but you seldom see it in real time.
By contrast, revolutionary growth takes place when you come up against something huge, painful, and maybe even seemingly insurmountable, but you somehow rise up and conquer because you find a strong enough "why." Usually, it requires an immediate response because it is so very painful.
When it comes to creating an amazing relationship, you might as well give it everything you’ve got if you hope to succeed. After all, those who only make small, safe investments rarely enjoy a great return.
Dave Elliot is a Neurostrategist and Coach who is known for getting results with a variety of techniques that enable rapid transformational change. Connect with him for support in moving past bad relationship cycles or a toxic bad boy phase.
