Psychology Explains Why Some People Get Bored The Moment Someone Likes Them Back
Imágenes de jose carlos | Canva You recently started dating your dream guy. He’s cute, he’s got a great smile and a fantastic personality. He likes the same stuff you do. You both love watching old movies, and he has a pet you adore. He’s honest, trustworthy, and totally into you. He’s amazing.
And you? You’re bored. You’ve lost interest, and it’s probably not because there’s anything wrong with him. The problem lies with you. Research has shown how some people have a fixed mindset when it comes to passion. Believing love is found (and not created through hard work) is often the source of losing interest. If it isn't magical from the start, the study explained, you're more likely to become bored or give up.
This probably isn’t the first time you’ve felt this way. You met a guy and had a chance to make something great out of it, but then it wasn’t too long before you became annoyed at the way he chewed his straw in the restaurant or the wheezy sound of his snores. You got mad because he squeezed the toothpaste from the middle, or left his keys next to the key dish instead of putting them in it. Or even simpler: Once you snag him, you're over it.
Psychology explains why some people get bored once someone likes them back:
1. They're looking for a reason to end things
You’re inventing reasons in an attempt to find a way out. But why? He’s a great guy, and before you both became an official item, you were stoked that he liked you. And now that you’ve locked him in, you’ve totally lost interest. A study explained how relationship sabotage is a complex cycle of insecurity, high stress, and defensiveness. These work together to distort how you view yourself and the relationship, which makes you feel even more insecure and further reinforces the negativity you feel.
The mechanics of dating go far deeper in our brains than noticing certain aspects of a potential mate’s personality or the way he smiles. Subconsciously, your biology wants to match with someone who meets a specific quota of doable items so you can make babies with them further down the line, while consciously, you want a guy who’s put together and has a decent job, so you can do day trips and splurge on a bigger apartment together.
2. They only enjoy the chase
Photo by Matias Ilizarbe on Unsplash
If you’re someone who’s lost interest in your latest partner, you might also be unaware that you’re placing them on a pedestal, which they have no idea they’re on. You’re shoving them away because they made the mistake of actually being interested in you, and that means they’re not as good as you thought.
Part of the thrill of finding a new person is exactly that: they’re new, they don’t have any allegiances to you, and they’re glorious from afar. There’s a delight in getting to know someone, getting to know the things you like, finding unique parts you had no idea about, and overall, experiencing a bit of the chase.
You’re both pursuing each other, playing a careful dance that’s gone on in some form or another all the way back to the beginning of time. It’s exciting. But then you get him, and suddenly, you wonder what happened.
Psychotherapist Nancy Carbone explained, "A relationship self-saboteur finds ways to protect themselves from feelings of abandonment or feeling not good enough, in ways that push their partner away. You can push love away by protecting yourself from feeling rejected, and you can sabotage yourself from getting the love you want, preventing you from having healthy relationships."
3. They don't believe they deserve love
Insecurity plays a huge role in why you’re not happy when you finally achieve the thing you’ve been aiming for. When he’s aloof or playing hard to get, you feel comfortable because a part of you feels you don’t deserve to have the happiness of being in a relationship with this person.
If he’s honest and makes a play for you, you feel like he’s settled for you. And that means he’s not as great as you thought he was because he chose to like you rather than play the mysterious bad boy.
It’s easier to accept the person who rejects you than the one who wants to love you because you don’t feel that you’re worth the effort. So when he goes to that effort, it makes you feel small, not loved, because you don’t think you deserve it. A study showed that higher attachment anxiety can cause you to compensate for feelings of relationship insecurity by causing problems, which can throw a relationship out of balance.
4. They lose respect for people who actually like them
It makes him less glamorous in your eyes, because how could someone like him fall for someone like you? You end up putting a great person down for liking you. Somehow, in your mind, it counts as a negative, and your relationships are doomed before they even start.
Everyone deserves love and happiness, and no one should feel that being accepted by someone means there’s something wrong with them. You have to stop the cycle of rejection, because it starts and ends with you.
If you want to find someone to love you, you’re going to have to first stop rejecting the men who try. Make yourself aware of when you’re shooting down the affection you feel you haven’t earned. Someone being into you hasn’t settled for something lesser.
Acknowledge that you are a person who deserves love, and people out there will love you. After all, you deserve all the happiness love will bring. All you need to do is try.
Merethe Najjar is a professional writer, editor, and award-winning fiction author. Her articles have been featured in The Aviator Magazine, Infinite Press, Yahoo, BRIDES, and more.
