5 Ways You Self-Sabotage Joy In Your Long-Term Relationship, According To Experts
Vitality Shevchenko | Unsplash If your partner calls you "pookie," beware — one book claims that mushy pet names for your partner actually indicate problems and that you have a shaky relationship. In the book Stop Calling Him Honey, authors Maggie Arana and Julienne Davis elaborate on a number of couple habits that ruin relationships by eroding joy and attraction.
Cute nicknames like "honey" sound generic, thus taking away the individuality. Other harmful practices include sharing hygiene habits and being intimate at the kitchen table to revive an interest in intimacy itself.
On the one hand, it feels sweet to receive justification for our annoyance at lovey-dovey couples. We get it, you're in love ... or aren't you? The book riles against "cute" nicknames, which seems to add up.
It's less annoying to outsiders to hear you calling your husband a playful, original nickname than something saccharine like "sweetie pie." And some gentle, playful teasing and silly nicknames are actually good for a relationship.
Of course, the wrong nickname can spell doom for a relationship, as it did for one couple who found themselves headed for divorce after the wife found out her husband had taken to calling her "Guantanamo." Let's take the "honey" argument a step further by outlining five ways you self-sabotage joy in a relationship.
Here are 5 ways you self-sabotage joy in your long-term relationship, according to experts:
1. You brag that you never fight
Telling people you don't fight with each other may make you feel superior at handling relationships, but it also suggests that you're not confident enough in your relationship's ability to grow from conflict.
Research found that people who avoid conflict must suppress their needs, which creates relationships that aren't sensitive to what each person actually wants. This makes partners feel disconnected and unsupported, creating serious risks for their mental health and overall happiness.
The interesting part is that couples who engage in healthy conflict actually report higher levels of well-being, more popularity, and less depression and anxiety than those who stuff it down. When you never argue, you're essentially teaching your relationship that honesty and authenticity aren't welcome, which means you'll either slowly grow apart through quiet resentment or blow up spectacularly when everything finally boils over.
2. You're attached at the hip
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Bringing your boyfriend to a girls' night out on more than one occasion might indicate that you no longer know how to function as an individual. To avoid getting bored with each other, happy couples make their own friends and hobbies so they can bring separate experiences to the table.
Autonomy is recognized as a fundamental psychological need for all individuals, not just a nice-to-have perk. When people continue to nurture their unique interests and hobbies, they preserve a strong sense of self and prevent dependency or identity loss within the relationship.
Research shows that couples who maintain their personal interests and social connections outside the relationship tend to have stronger bonds than those who don't. By bringing fresh energy and experiences to your partnership, you create a dynamic where both people can evolve without losing themselves, which ironically makes you want to spend more time together rather than less.
3. You only talk about your kids
Dr. Laurie Puhn, a couples mediator, claims that excessive attention on your kids de-romances the relationship. Eventually, your connection becomes completely dependent on your children. While we can see the truth in this argument, we're willing to forgive new parents who are still figuring out how to balance their social lives with child-rearing.
Research from The Gottman Institute shows that relationships face significant challenges when children enter the picture, with 66% of couples experiencing a decline in relationship satisfaction during the first three years after having a baby. Couples often end up focusing more on coordinating tasks and responsibilities than being romantic partners, letting the deep conversations and spontaneous moments of connection disappear.
Research found that in dual-career families, moms and dads are in the same room during the evening only 10% of the time, and the average amount of time they talk to one another is 35 minutes a week. When all that precious conversation time gets devoted to kid logistics instead of your actual relationship, you're essentially becoming business partners who happen to share a bed.
4. You constantly act as a matchmaker for your single friends
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While it's great to help people find love, becoming a serial matchmaker not only comes across as condescending but may suggest that you're trying to live vicariously through someone else's dating life.
Living vicariously through others becomes problematic when it starts taking happiness or satisfaction out of your own life, research has shown. When you're constantly reading about or watching others live your dreams instead of reaching them yourself, you risk neglecting your own desires as you become overly-engrossed in everyone else's lives.
The danger is that vicarious living serves as a shortcut that allows you to benefit from the trials and triumphs of others without having to risk your own failures. By becoming a serial matchmaker, you might be avoiding the vulnerability and effort required to keep your own relationship exciting and fresh, using other people's romantic adventures as a safe replacement for doing the work in your own partnership.
5. You overcompensate through excessive PDA
Puhn says that excessive PDA may be overcompensating for areas in your relationship that are lacking. Chemistry is essential, but only verbal communication and an emotional connection will deepen your relationship beyond the point where you publicly surrender to lust.
Excessive public displays of affection can be a sign of attachment insecurity and may serve as overcompensation for underlying fears within the relationship. It's important to remember that couples who appear very happy due to their PDA may not necessarily be as happy as they seem, especially when the affection goes beyond what they're comfortable expressing in person.
Studies found that people who use social media to post more affection than they normally express in private were actually less satisfied with their relationships. When you feel the need to constantly prove your love to an audience, it suggests you're seeking external validation to make up for something that's missing internally, which is why couples in genuinely secure relationships don't feel compelled to 'perform' their happiness for everyone around them.
Denise Ngo is a freelance web writer/editor who specializes in pop culture, fashion, science, faith, and relationships.
