People Who Are Willing To Do This One Cringey Thing Are More Likely To Find Love, Says Study
Love isn't always logical.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock We already know that dating isn't easy, and trying to find "the one" feels like finding a needle in a haystack. But now, research has pretty much confirmed that it's time to throw out everything you thought you knew about matters of the heart and be a little more willing to defy conventional advice.
According to research from 2015, settling for Mr. Right Now is much better than waiting for Mr. Right when it comes to falling in love. While giving up hope that your dream partner is going to magically appear on a white horse to whisk you away might feel like you are lowering your standards, evolutionary scientists have found that our species, for as long as we've existed, thrived by pursuing the mate that's easier to get and is available in the present.
A study found that settling, although cringey to most singles, is the secret to finding love.
If you're over the age of 35, you're probably humming the lyrics, "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with." Stephen Stills apparently knew what he was talking about because it only took 45 years after that banger for science to catch up.
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It's the risk aversion that humans inherently have that has us settling for the now, as opposed to waiting, which has kept the species alive. We know, subconsciously, that avoiding being with a perfectly suitable partner, even if he or she isn't your dream, would mean jeopardizing being alone. Forever. And who wants that?
Researchers explained that settling is an instinctual behavior that helps us survive.
"Settling early for the sure bet gives you an evolutionary advantage," explained Professor Chris Adami of Michigan State University. And the smaller the community in which people live, the more likely they are to be averse to risk, because partnering up and having children is part of our evolutionary purpose.
However, the study also found that aversion to risk didn't guarantee individuals settling just because of the community size. In fact, there were and are plenty of people who would willingly wait for what they have decided is the best possible mate instead of falling down the rabbit hole of mediocrity like so many others.
For them, the thought of being alone and without offspring isn’t as scary an idea as it would be for someone else. "We do not all evolve to be the same," Professor Adami added. "Evolution creates a diversity in our acceptance of risk, so you see some people who are more likely to take bigger risks than others."
Social media is impacting the dating game even more than people's unwillingness to settle.
Objectively, the study's findings make total sense. When we lived in small tribal communities, the pool of singles was a heck of a lot smaller than what we have today. The more technology advances, the smaller the world gets. That pool has certainly grown, but even as everything has changed, so much still remains the same. As our world becomes smaller, we have become less inclined to go out and experience it.
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Think of it this way: Instead of going out and meeting new people, most of us now prefer to spend time watching complete strangers on social media. Even dating has taken a more technology-forward approach. Instead of the art of the in-person flirt, people are swiping solely based on looks, and that has decidedly decreased the pool of potential suitors. Charisma and personality cannot shine on dating apps the way they can in the real world.
This isn't just conjecture either. Gen Z struggles with in-person communication. It's well documented, and it's not exactly their fault. Maxine Williams, the founder of We Met IRL, a singles events group, told NBC News, “Our generation has been so online that when it comes to talking to people, it’s a bit scary. There’s not that natural sense of like, just, ‘Hey, how you doing?’”
Gen Z is facing a bit of a conundrum, though. They have heightened anxiety when it comes to social interactions, but they are also fed up with the dating app scene. That results in people simply staying single. Research has shown that only one in 10 Gen Zers is "committed to being committed," as the BBC put it.
Gen Z is still young, and they'll figure things out in the end. They are blazing the path in this new digital world, and that means it just might take a little bit longer. They shouldn't count out settling for someone they feel comfortable with, however. Who knows what that might result in? At the very least, they'll get some experience in relationships.
This study isn't giving you the a-OK to settle and waste your time (and the time of someone else) simply because you don't want to end up alone.
What it is saying, however, is that, for some, settling is just an inevitable part of their dynamic. They'd rather not rock the boat and would prefer to take the easy way out and end up with the person who's least likely to pose a risk to their lives through their own risky behavior.
Sometimes survival of the fittest means signing up for the Mr. Right Now, instead of Mr. Right, and that's not a bad thing. Mr. Right Now could actually become Mr. Right. You won't know unless you give him a chance. And maybe that's the takeaway from all of this. Sure, it feels cringey to think about dating someone just because they are available, but isn't it equally as cringey to reject someone based solely on a dating app photo?
Amanda Chatel is an essayist and intimacy health writer for Yourtango, Shape Magazine, Hello Giggles, Glamour, and Harper's Bazaar.
