People Who Are Naturally Charming Often 6 Old-School Traits That Still Really Work
chesterf | Shutterstock When was the last time you felt completely appreciated- the kind of appreciation that leaves no doubt about how fully gorgeous/handsome, talented, honored, respected, and loved you are? When was the last time you were so authentically charming that you caused someone to react like that?
As confident as you already feel, dating someone who makes you feel deeply appreciated is incredibly special. And being able to appreciate someone authentically is a skill worth mastering, and that old-school skill is called chivalry.
Naturally charming people often have old-school traits that really work:
1. Courtesy
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Did you know that former Vice President Al Gore commissioned a study on the positive effects of courtesy in the workplace? Why? Because common, thoughtful courtesy works. It's a best practice. It's chivalry lite. Whichever side of the chivalry debate you stand on, I'm sure you'd prefer a stranger not to slam a door in your face or cut you off in traffic.
In an intimate relationship, expect your partner to treat you courteously in the ways that are most meaningful to you. But also do the same for them. If they're lost on what that means, be direct and tell them. Nothing says charm like a partner who knows what they want and how to express that.
2. Honesty
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Chivalry offers a way to commit to deeper, more satisfying personal interaction, whether dating, courting, marrying, or starting a business. You can't build a connection without integrity and honesty; they cultivate trust. Be truthful with yourself and your partner. Look deep into your partner's eyes when you tell your truth; look beyond your own words and consider how it feels to hear them. Learn to master honesty delivered kindly. Practice this. Shared honesty is a huge intimacy-builder.
3. Loyalty
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If you aren't clear about your loyalty, please don't expect it back. Want an exclusive relationship? Non-exclusive? Married? Polyamorous? Make sure you share that with your partner. Make your loyalty clear, and show your partner the same level of honesty and faithfulness you expect in return.
4. Helpful
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Nothing is more off-putting than feeling patronized. Nothing is charming about it. That said, everyone needs a hand now and then, and modern chivalry includes doing the hard work of figuring out what makes your partner feel looked after.
To find out what they like, ask! "May I order an Uber for you?" "Would you like me to carry this for you?" Ask and pay attention to the ways your partner likes you to step in and assist (and ways they don't). As they teach you about their needs (and you likewise communicate your own to them), you grow more sensitive to each other.
5. Solution-oriented
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Justice may not seem attractive, but people who know how to be chivalrous see both sides of poignant issues and speak passionately about them before taking sides. This is just another example of how authenticity is charming.
In relationships, chivalry demands that you each feel genuinely understood by the other (which deepens your connection). Look deeply into your partner's eyes and listen to them (the same way you want them to hear you). Your opinion matters, but just listen first. Use the question "What do I feel is just?" as a springboard to know each other more deeply.
6. Compassion
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Your partner wants to know you have compassion. One way to show this is in how you respond to today's social ills; how do you respond? Whether you keep some energy bars in your car to give to the man holding a "hungry and homeless" sign or stand up to your friends when they make a racist or misogynistic joke, your partner needs to know the breadth of your courage and compassion. It says a lot about you.
Bill Protzmann founded Music Care Inc., a for-profit corporation dedicated to teaching practical ways to use music for self-care. His latest book, More Than Human, explains how and why re-engaging the human spirit can make a practical and positive difference.
