Numbing Yourself Slows Your Divorce Recovery. Here Are 4 Gentle Ways To Heal.
Avoiding the pain might feel safer, but it only keeps you stuck.
Dean Drobot | Canva Divorce can feel like a failure. It can feel like a rejection. And it can feel like a betrayal. Divorce is a shock, even if you initiated it. Everything you know is turned upside down. So, it's no surprise that so many people faced with divorce do everything possible not to feel what they're feeling.
Emotional numbing comes in various forms — a gallon of ice cream, a bottle of wine, or a few little pills. But do any of these things give you lasting satisfaction? No. None of these things will fill the holes inside that you are so desperate to ignore. Divorce is a monumental change that happens to you. And for some reason, we seem to think that something outside of ourselves can make it better.
When we're coping with divorce, we immerse ourselves in whatever distracts us from the pain inside — food, drugs, physical intimacy, work, alcohol, shopping, TV, or the Internet — whatever is fast and easy. Rather than face our feelings of inadequacy, we turn to these seemingly quick fixes to give ourselves some relief. Is it real relief, though? And is it serving you?
Brené Brown's ground-breaking work on shame and vulnerability teaches us that it doesn't. In Daring Greatly, she says, "We numb the pain that comes from feeling inadequate and 'less than'. However, when we numb the pain of one emotion, we numb everything. We can't selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark, and you numb the light."
So, by numbing your difficult emotions, you are numbing everything. Through numbing, you might succeed at avoiding your feelings of pain and failure, but you are also cheating yourself out of feeling happiness and joy. And ultimately, numbing yourself to your feelings will keep you stuck in that place. So, how can you change your coping patterns and get unstuck?
Numbing yourself slows your divorce recovery, but here are 4 gentle ways to heal:
1. Feel what you feel without judgment
Accept that you are in this space, but know that it's temporary. Permit yourself to feel what you feel, without attachment or judgment. What are you meant to learn here? And how can you use it to give you clarity? How can you use it to move forward in the way that you want, with intention?
Judging yourself and your feelings puts you on a merry-go-round of shame and blame. And it will never go anywhere. The only path forward is through your emotions. Trust that once you let yourself experience them, they will lose their power over you.
Individuals who accept rather than judge their mental experiences may attain better psychological health, in part because acceptance helps them experience less negative emotion in response to stressors, research has found. Individuals who accept negative emotions and thoughts are less likely to ruminate, which perpetuates negative emotions, and less likely to try to suppress mental experiences, which can backfire.
2. Be mindful of your numbing patterns and what triggers them
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Take time to notice all the ways you numb yourself. Identify the emotions, people, and situations that trigger them. Choose recognition over avoidance. Once you recognize your patterns, you can intentionally choose a different path, one that gets you where you want to go.
Mindfulness practices help with this: increased awareness aids in recognizing patterns of emotional responses. This awareness is the first step in addressing the root causes of emotional distress. Studies confirm that decreased experiential avoidance and increased mindfulness significantly predicted improved mental health.
3. Accept that difficult emotions are uncomfortable, but they're also a space for growth
Pain, hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness, and loneliness are all difficult emotions to feel every day. They also challenge you to grow in ways you never imagined previously. So, rather than choosing distraction or avoidance, embrace them.
Own them so that they won’t own you. You are stronger than you realize. And like the phoenix in the flames, you will rise from the ashes stronger than ever before. Change can be difficult, so use it to your advantage. Use it to stretch and grow and find new paths of possibility for yourself.
People who are willing to face their trauma and can grieve and gradually accept it are more likely to experience post-traumatic growth, while those who try to deny their feelings or push the experience away don't. Research showed that viewing emotion as helpful promotes acceptance of emotional experience, which in turn allows people to recover quickly from distressing events.
4. Let go of the pain from the past and fear of the future
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Re-living all the "should haves" from the past won't serve you. You are powerless to change it. Worrying about what you will or won’t have in the future won't serve you. You're actually attracting it to you by choosing to focus on lack, rather than abundance.
Mindfulness helps individuals stay present, reducing rumination over past events and promoting acceptance of the present moment. A recent study found that mindfulness-based interventions significantly reduced emotional distress in individuals who had recently experienced a breakup, with participants reporting decreased levels of rumination and increased emotional clarity.
So, be present now. This moment is all that really matters. And these are the moments when you need to be focused on what you DO want in your life. Once you're focused in that direction, you can start walking that path. Make your dreams for yourself more important than your fears and past pain. If you do, you'll be walking that path before you know it.
Numbing yourself is self-sabotage. It keeps you stuck and powerless in a space of pain and confusion. You can't move forward from that place, nor can you make the important decisions divorce requires of you. So, stop judging yourself and your feelings. Stop avoiding what you feel.
Once you accept where you are and what you feel, you can be truly present to make better decisions in your divorce. Accept that there are gifts for you here, such as learning and personal growth. And give yourself the gifts of acceptance and appreciation, so you can be open to joy and happiness again in your life.
Laura Miolla is a Professional Certified Coach (CPCC and PCC), Mediator, and Parentology Coach. She's a contributor to Thought Catalog, Medium, Huffington Post, Babble, Parents Magazine, among many others.
